I have the same worries when I need to put Mum in respite, I find I am better not to tell her until a day or so before as she does get upset. I also explain that I really need to know that she is safe and that I really need to have a break, I make it more as though she is helping me by going to a safe place for a short stay.
I have also found that in a few days Mum seems to settle in and finds a friend in respite and that helps me with my guilt feelings.
I do not think there is any easy way but for our own sanity we have to think of ourselves sometimes. I have been caring for my 88 year old Mum in my home for 3 years 24/7.
I wish you all the best
regards paris07
My Mum & I had our first experience of Respite Care for 1 week last month. Her SW had been to talk to Mum about it, had arranged for us to visit for a 'look-see' visit/assessment with the Manager, and subsequently I tried to talk to her about it. I found that these advance preparations were (for Mum) to no avail. Whilst still mobile, lucid & generally reasonable in her behaviour & social skills, Mum's short-term memory just does not work (at least at a conscious level - of which more later). She remembered nothing of it for longer than 10 minutes; visit of SW, our visit to respite care home, conversations about it; none of it.
In the end I told Mum a week before that I was going away for a short break on Doctor's Orders (appealing to her maternal instincts!) & I had arranged respite accommodation for her. She agreed, I needed the break
( Oh, the guilt! Even tho it was certainly true) I told her we had been to visit the c.h. together and she had liked it, which was true. This conversation took place in the morning, as I didnt want her to go to bed on unsettling thoughts. Her chief concern seemed to centre on what would happen to the Cat! I didn't mention it again until the Saturday morning when she was going in for respite care. There was just no point.
When we arrived we were shown to her room, and I stayed with her for about 2 hours, during which 'we' unpacked her clothes and put them away, had a cuppa, were introduced to 'her' carer, had a walk around. Because she has been diagnosed with AD, she had to be in the dementia unit 'upstairs', with locked/alarmed doors to the staircases. She understood they are for the safety of those residents who might fall on the stairs. So far so good.
The first bad moment was when we were taken to the dining room for lunch. Although not eating with her, I sat with her. Her other table companions were a man & a woman considerably more advanced in dementia than she is. The man entertained me with an animated account of a wartime experience, whilst the lady appeared to be making a sculpture on her plate from her food and didn't speak.
(Please do not misunderstand me at this point - I KNOW that dementia is a one way street & she could well be sculpting or story-telling herself in a year or two.)
BUT my little Mum isn't there yet, and was looking frightened & horrified. So I talked to the manager & tried to explain my concerns, and asked that she be introduced to some more chatty & sociable residents. It was difficult to get across that I was not trying to say that she is any more a 'special case' than anyone else's mum, BUT ... By half an hour later nothing had happened, so I went down again & stated my concerns more strongly, again asked that she be introduced to some more chatty & sociable residents, this time finishing rather firmly "Before I leave here". To their credit, they did immediately take us to a sitting room where there were some animated conversations going on
confused:
) & I was able to leave with an easier mind.
During the week, I phoned every afternoon to ask the Duty Manager how things were going (in detail) and was pleased to find that they were bringing her downstairs every day after breakfast, to spend the day with the more 'able' residents and take part in their activities. She was eating well, & not incontinent at night (she's not usually at home). I believe she was well and compassionately cared for.
When I picked her up she seemed calm, chatty & not distressed, although 'normally' confused given the circumstances. Within 2 hours of getting home she had no recall at all of ever having been away
at a conscious level. However, she was/is considerably unsettled sub-consciously, as she has been having nightmares about being 'lost in a strange place, not being able to find anyone, with strangers who couldn't understand her' etc. Also she is somewhat more anxious & clingy than she was before.
So that's my experiences added to the pot, for what they may be worth.
For me? The week off was a huge relief while it lasted, but has largely been knocked for six by the increased stresses of the 3 weeks since. C'est la vie.
