1. Just thinking

    Just thinking Registered User

    May 7, 2008
    152
    North west
    I'm going on holiday soon and I'm really worried about what to do with mum. I think she'd be safer going into a respite care home but how on earth do I get her there? Should I just take her on the day and leave or should I try to explain to her what's happening and hope she doesn't get awkward or upset? There's no one else who could stay with her and there's a chance she'll go 'walk-about' if left at home with only the home-help coming in twice a day for a half hour visit. Can anyone give suggestions about how they handled this situation? :confused:
     
  2. Charlyparly

    Charlyparly Registered User

    Nov 26, 2006
    221
    Lancashire
    Hi,

    I think this depends on various things really. How do you think she would react if you happened to mention it to her?

    Has she ever had care / help from anyone other than yourself?
     
  3. HelenMG

    HelenMG Registered User

    May 1, 2008
    194
    Dublin, Ireland
    We are in this position with my dad too. We have him booked in for a day's care on Friday to get him used to the home where we hope he can go for respite. We told him today that J, his carer cant come on Friday, and so we are "trying to sort something out". We are going to try him for a number of fridays in the hope that he will get used to the staff and people there so it wont be so traumatic if he goes in for respite. But the telling him is the hardest part. He loves going out for walks and goes walking several times a day. Don't know how he will deal with not being able to walk as freely as he might like. Hopefully the activities in the home will occupy him for the day.
    Think I will say that we would be too worried about him if he was on his own,
    Will let you know how we get on.

    Helen
     
  4. paris07

    paris07 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    74
    australia
    Hello Just Thinking,
    I have the same worries when I need to put Mum in respite, I find I am better not to tell her until a day or so before as she does get upset. I also explain that I really need to know that she is safe and that I really need to have a break, I make it more as though she is helping me by going to a safe place for a short stay.
    I have also found that in a few days Mum seems to settle in and finds a friend in respite and that helps me with my guilt feelings.
    I do not think there is any easy way but for our own sanity we have to think of ourselves sometimes. I have been caring for my 88 year old Mum in my home for 3 years 24/7.
    I wish you all the best
    regards paris07
     
  5. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    My Mum & I had our first experience of Respite Care for 1 week last month. Her SW had been to talk to Mum about it, had arranged for us to visit for a 'look-see' visit/assessment with the Manager, and subsequently I tried to talk to her about it. I found that these advance preparations were (for Mum) to no avail. Whilst still mobile, lucid & generally reasonable in her behaviour & social skills, Mum's short-term memory just does not work (at least at a conscious level - of which more later). She remembered nothing of it for longer than 10 minutes; visit of SW, our visit to respite care home, conversations about it; none of it.

    In the end I told Mum a week before that I was going away for a short break on Doctor's Orders (appealing to her maternal instincts!) & I had arranged respite accommodation for her. She agreed, I needed the break :)( Oh, the guilt! Even tho it was certainly true) I told her we had been to visit the c.h. together and she had liked it, which was true. This conversation took place in the morning, as I didnt want her to go to bed on unsettling thoughts. Her chief concern seemed to centre on what would happen to the Cat! I didn't mention it again until the Saturday morning when she was going in for respite care. There was just no point.

    When we arrived we were shown to her room, and I stayed with her for about 2 hours, during which 'we' unpacked her clothes and put them away, had a cuppa, were introduced to 'her' carer, had a walk around. Because she has been diagnosed with AD, she had to be in the dementia unit 'upstairs', with locked/alarmed doors to the staircases. She understood they are for the safety of those residents who might fall on the stairs. So far so good.

    The first bad moment was when we were taken to the dining room for lunch. Although not eating with her, I sat with her. Her other table companions were a man & a woman considerably more advanced in dementia than she is. The man entertained me with an animated account of a wartime experience, whilst the lady appeared to be making a sculpture on her plate from her food and didn't speak. (Please do not misunderstand me at this point - I KNOW that dementia is a one way street & she could well be sculpting or story-telling herself in a year or two.)
    BUT my little Mum isn't there yet, and was looking frightened & horrified. So I talked to the manager & tried to explain my concerns, and asked that she be introduced to some more chatty & sociable residents. It was difficult to get across that I was not trying to say that she is any more a 'special case' than anyone else's mum, BUT ... By half an hour later nothing had happened, so I went down again & stated my concerns more strongly, again asked that she be introduced to some more chatty & sociable residents, this time finishing rather firmly "Before I leave here". To their credit, they did immediately take us to a sitting room where there were some animated conversations going on :)confused::):eek:) & I was able to leave with an easier mind.

    During the week, I phoned every afternoon to ask the Duty Manager how things were going (in detail) and was pleased to find that they were bringing her downstairs every day after breakfast, to spend the day with the more 'able' residents and take part in their activities. She was eating well, & not incontinent at night (she's not usually at home). I believe she was well and compassionately cared for.

    When I picked her up she seemed calm, chatty & not distressed, although 'normally' confused given the circumstances. Within 2 hours of getting home she had no recall at all of ever having been away at a conscious level. However, she was/is considerably unsettled sub-consciously, as she has been having nightmares about being 'lost in a strange place, not being able to find anyone, with strangers who couldn't understand her' etc. Also she is somewhat more anxious & clingy than she was before.

    So that's my experiences added to the pot, for what they may be worth.

    For me? The week off was a huge relief while it lasted, but has largely been knocked for six by the increased stresses of the 3 weeks since. C'est la vie.
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,537
    Kent
    No guilt Lynne. Get rid of it.

    Your description of your mother in respite matches taking my mother into permanent care. She was talkative and aware and was shocked by the appearances and behaviours of some of her co-residents.

    We had never used respite care for my mother. She was such a worry to us and caused so much concern, the day she showed fear of being alone and did not know her own home, was the day she went, willingly, into permanent care.

    My mother was living by herself. I have no guilt. At that time I acted to keep her safe. I did the best I could have done.

    And this is what you are doing Lynne.

    And this is what everyone on this Thread is doing.......doing their absolute best. It will never be perfect it is impossible for it to be perfect, so please believe best is good enough.

    Love xx
     
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    From my own Experience with my mother going into respite I found telling her the day before ( if I can get away with it ) she going into respite . yes she does need a lot of reassurance that I am going to pick her up as that is my mother main concern , she does not like going into respite ( who would )

    I can't tell her on the same day , because I have to pack her cases she live with me . I would be also packing clothes for my holiday..


    They only one wrong way to do it , that is to tell my mother a week before I am going , because that well be the only thought in her mind , so she be distressing herself with the most negative thought about care home .

    I have done the taking her to respite showing her around it , (when she was first offered respite ) bring her back home , telling her she staying they while I go on holiday.

    she work herself up so much about it, that she would not stop repeating the same conversation about it for the whole 2 weeks before I went on holiday . over , over , over again. I only done that, because SW said , it was best to do it that way .

    Well I never done it that way again .

    Just except that your mother may find it
    distressing about going no matter when you tell her , but when she gets they she be fine , if anything like my mother after a few years of going into respite she may still not like going ,
    but she except it more , won’t get so upset about it

    Also telling her the day before she going , is better then seeing her getting worried about it for the whole duration of the time , when you first told her she going into respite
     
  8. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,103
    Toronto, Canada
    Hi Just Thinking,
    What about referring to the CH as a hotel geared to special needs people might have? This gets around the respite issue and might make your mother feel more comfortable with it. Also say that you'll pay for it.

    Learning to lie was one of the most valuable tools I developed for dealing with AD.
     
  9. Just thinking

    Just thinking Registered User

    May 7, 2008
    152
    North west
    Hi all and thanks for all your suggestions. I read with interest Lynn's thoughts as the points you raised are of particular concern. I visited the 'designated' AZ local care home last week where the SW has booked Mum into and I have to admit I was kind of horrified as the residents at that time appeared to be much further on than Mum currently is and I'm very afraid that even she would come back home after 2 weeks far worse than she went in. It seems to me there needs to be 'intermediate severity' homes so that those not yet too badly affected (but need a safe place) can go. :(

    The 'problem' of packing has concerned me too as there's no way I could do that without Mum questioning what/why I was doing it...:confused:

    I took Mum to a Day Care centre today for a little pre-arranged visit as I'd like her to have some sort of 'social life' with people of her own age. She was clearly nervous and worried that I was going to leave her. As it was, we were in and out inside 15mins and I felt really quite irritated with the place as they'd told us what day to come and that they'd even offer mum some lunch. I'd prepared her the night before and, (God Love her), she'd put her rollers in and made a little bit of effort (which isn't easy)only to be told to come back on Wednesday. Fortunately she didn't question what had happened about 'lunch' but I felt very let down on her behalf! But frankly, I've felt that way about a LOT of the services. Think I'll be looking for somewhere else. :mad:
     
  10. Just thinking

    Just thinking Registered User

    May 7, 2008
    152
    North west
    Hi all and thanks for all your suggestions. I read with interest Lynn's thoughts as the points you raised are of particular concern. I visited the 'designated' AZ local care home last week where the SW has booked Mum into and I have to admit I was kind of horrified as the residents at that time appeared to be much further on than Mum currently is and I'm very afraid that even she would come back home after 2 weeks far worse than she went in. It seems to me there needs to be 'intermediate severity' homes so that those not yet too badly affected (but need a safe place) can go. :(

    The 'problem' of packing has concerned me too as there's no way I could do that without Mum questioning what/why I was doing it...:confused:

    I took Mum to a Day Care centre today for a little pre-arranged visit as I'd like her to have some sort of 'social life' with people of her own age. She was clearly nervous and worried that I was going to leave her. As it was, we were in and out inside 15mins and I felt really quite irritated with the place as they'd told us what day to come and that they'd even offer mum some lunch. I'd prepared her the night before and, (God Love her), she'd put her rollers in and made a little bit of effort (which isn't easy)only to be told to come back on Wednesday. Fortunately she didn't question what had happened about 'lunch' but I felt very let down on her behalf! But frankly, I've felt that way about a LOT of the services. Think I'll be looking for somewhere else. :mad:
     
  11. Just thinking

    Just thinking Registered User

    May 7, 2008
    152
    North west
    I thought about that but as I said in my main reply there is no way ANYONE could describe that place as a hotel and Mum still has too much awareness to be duped into the idea either. I smiled at your idea of 'me paying' as that wouldn't change much as she knows she's got plenty of money to 'pay for herself' and she'd argue that she'd choose her own holiday!!! ha ha!
    Couldn't help noticing where you live by the way....I used to live in Scarborough until I was 16 and 'Mum was younger and healthier' (small world eh) Back in the UK now.
     

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