Respite care for mum

[JayneB6367]

Hi all,

Background is my mother has mixed vascular dementia and Alzheimer's and had been coping with help from my sister and I and a wonderful Carer who comes 3-4 times a week.

Issue is mum has started to leave the house, just to walk the shops or church but this is despite us telling her one of us will be there later that day to take her ourselves. She forgets we have told her this as soon as she puts the phone down. She gets there and back but my worry is in don't feel she is road safe anymore and I also worry about her paying for things as she asks the person on the till how much to take. Fine if we are with her but not on her own.

At the end of August we are having a family holiday for my sons 21st and we will both be out if the country a week and now I am worried sick what will happen when both my sister and i are away. We can't take mum, heat, flight, familiarity all make it impossible. I want to cancel but this situation is putting enough pressure on my family and cancelling the family holiday would be the final straw i feel. I think my husband is as patient as he can be but I know mum seems to be my only topic of conversation these days.

Is this the time to think about more permanent care? My sister and I both live 60 miles away and can only go once every 5-7 days each as we work full time so I am now thinking that we should be thinking about getting a more permanent care either in home or a care home itself.

She is with it in so many other ways and it breaks my heart to think about her leaving her home.

I just don't know to do, both in the short term about the holiday and long term re mums care.

Any advice gratefully received!

 

[Adcat]

My sympathy and empathy. I was in a very similar situation exactly a year ago. I organised private home care 24/7 whilst I was away on holiday. Social services did not assist. Your mother is very vulnerable. Don't take any risks.

 

[starryuk]

You must go on your holiday. Your son's 21st is too important to miss.

This is the most difficult time, when the sufferer is still 'with it in so many ways' and has the capacity to make her own decisions, albeit unwise ones. Perhaps you could increase the carer visits to several a day now and while you are away. It might encourage your mum to stay in for the visitors. Start looking at care homes, with the idea of dealing with a permanent solution when you get back.

I wrestled with this problem with my mum too. She kept saying. 'If I get run over by a bus, so be it'. I sort of agreed with her, but in the end we more or less forced her into a
care home when she was unable to look after herself at home. She herself had stopped going out by then as she 'knew' she would get lost.

Let us know what you decide and how you get on.

 

[JayneB6367]

Thanks both I think today I am going to contact the care agency and see what extra services they can offer while I am away. See if I can get someone to pop in 3 times a day. At the moment she is settled at night and gets herself up and makes herself breakfast every morning (even if she tells me she is having lunch Day seems to be the issue.

Sods law this will change when we are away but there is no timetable with this and I suppose like every other decision and change that has happened so far we will have to deal with it as it occurs.

Mum would love to just not wake up although she is generally happy she talks about wanting to die like most people discuss going shopping and sometimes I wish that would happen too. How awful is this disease that it could have me thinking this thought about my beautiful mother.

Onwards and upwards eh....

 

[Beate]

Have you ever had a care/carers assessment? You should qualify for respite i.e be able to have a care home look after her for the time you are away. Contact Social Services.

 

[mancmum]

Is it worth going into care for such a short time.

If its the summer why not book 2 x students who are 'friends of your sons'.

I had a third year pyschology student provide some assistance in our house. She was wonderful we paid her and the experience was useful to her professionally.

I find that 'person centred' care works best. Think my dad had a much better time when my sons looked after him than the week he spent in a care home.

Dustbin full of takeaway containers but my dad likes takeaway curries as much as they do.

 

[ferniegirl]

Hi all,

Background is my mother has mixed vascular dementia and Alzheimer's and had been coping with help from my sister and I and a wonderful Carer who comes 3-4 times a week.

Issue is mum has started to leave the house, just to walk the shops or church but this is despite us telling her one of us will be there later that day to take her ourselves. She forgets we have told her this as soon as she puts the phone down. She gets there and back but my worry is in don't feel she is road safe anymore and I also worry about her paying for things as she asks the person on the till how much to take. Fine if we are with her but not on her own.

At the end of August we are having a family holiday for my sons 21st and we will both be out if the country a week and now I am worried sick what will happen when both my sister and i are away. We can't take mum, heat, flight, familiarity all make it impossible. I want to cancel but this situation is putting enough pressure on my family and cancelling the family holiday would be the final straw i feel. I think my husband is as patient as he can be but I know mum seems to be my only topic of conversation these days.

Is this the time to think about more permanent care? My sister and I both live 60 miles away and can only go once every 5-7 days each as we work full time so I am now thinking that we should be thinking about getting a more permanent care either in home or a care home itself.

She is with it in so many other ways and it breaks my heart to think about her leaving her home.

I just don't know to do, both in the short term about the holiday and long term re mums care.

Any advice gratefully received!

Hi Jayne

I wonder if you could stick a big sign on the inside of the front door saying "mum, do not go out without me or (sister) - we will be along to take you later!!"

It may just stop her in her tracks?

You must go on holiday! Maybe respite care in a home would also be a good 'testing' experience for when the time comes for her to have more permanent care. She may get on fine with it and then you will feel more confident about her future in a home.

X

 

[JayneB6367]

All your ideas are so good. Thank you! Daughter studying psychology so may get her to ask around her network.

Mum was assessed recently but they said she was not at risk, instead described her as having "eccentric episodes"! Mainly because although she goes out on her own she gets home on her own too. As we all know we are on our own with this, I always feel SS don't step in until it's too late half the time.

Still feeling more positive tonight as have so many ideas from you all to think about.

Many thanks x