Respite before nursing home?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by laura07, Feb 7, 2007.

  1. laura07

    laura07 Registered User

    Feb 5, 2007

    Did anyone else not have respite before looking to place in a nursing home?
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    My wife Jan never went into respite care, mostly because it is scarce as hen's teeth, especially for early onset patients. There was a 6 month waiting list, and that was useless to me as I was working full time as well as caring for Jan at the time, and needed 1-2 week's notice placements.
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hi Laura, We didn`t have respite for my mother. She was in Day Care, 5 days a week and I cared for her evenings and weekends. She lived in her own home.

    I had a Care Home lined up in case of emergencies. One day the Transport dropped her off at home, after a day in care. When I got there after work, she asked why she had been brought there. I told her she had been brought home and she asked `what home?`

    She actually agreed to go in the Care home, as she was so frightened, and that is what she did. The same night. It was hard but it was necessary.

    I hope you find the right solution. Love Sylvia
  4. suptowngirl

    suptowngirl Registered User

    Sep 19, 2005
    #4 suptowngirl, Feb 8, 2007
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2007

    Hi Laura,
    My mum was supposed to go for respite care this coming Saturday ( 10th ). Today she had to go to the home just to have a look around and to get the feel of the place. It was dreadful, she said my sister and I were plotting to put her away, (we didn't take her, my brother and brother-in-law did ). She refused to mix with anyone and also refused to eat anything, she spent most of the time crying in the managers office.
    The manager of the home said it would be the wrong thing to do to put her in for respite at this moment. Mum lives alone and is sometimes a danger to herself.
    Her GP wanted her in a residential home but she obviously isn't at that stage.
    So it seems respite care would sometimes be a good move.
    Mum does go to a day centre six days a week, but she thinks this is a job and she is going to work.
    Take Care
  5. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Ages ago (6 years) I first sold Lionel on respite as a holiday for him, as I was going away with my girlfriends.

    It was the best single thing I ever did. He went to a private residential home for a week, and I went away.

    All they had to do at that time was see to his medications..................but for me it set the pattern. I am so, so fortunate that he has never taken against respite, and it therefore made the move to permanent care last year so much easier for him.

    All cases are different I know.........but it worked for me
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #6 Margarita, Feb 10, 2007
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2007
    I could not look after my mother if I did not have respite , one year ago on my mother first respite my mother look around first at her respite was very negative worried that I was leavening her there no matter how much reassurance would convince her that I was not leavening her there , but on the day I still took her there she was very worried and keep phoning me , but settle down after a day .

    Now a year on mum say she going on holiday to anyone when I need a rest and she go in to respite

    I hope you don't mind me saying but suptowngirl
    I don’t think you pick the right care home as that manger should not of said to you

    He should have had more understanding for you in leavening your mother in respite, maybe they did not want the hassle of trying to cram your mother down when you left her there, because it does pass the upset and they should understand that.


    If I was you I would phone SW book another respite? Don’t show her the respite home she going to

    Why did she have to Mix with people when viewing it or eat with them
    It make me think no wonder she thought you where
    You where giving her too much information in one day scaring her . who told you to do it like that in the 1st place? (as in you mum speanding the day there mixing with people and eating ).

    If you don't mind me asking
  7. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    My mother had to go to the respite place for an assessment day before they'd agree to take her. The assessment was to be both ways, i.e. they were assessing her and she was assessing them. She was being reasonable at that time and we all agreed it would be OK for 12 days.

    She already knew about the place from neighbours, carers, nurses etc. so there wouldn't have been any question of lying to her about it, anyway she always knew if someone was lying to her.

  8. suptowngirl

    suptowngirl Registered User

    Sep 19, 2005
    Respite before care home

    Thank you all for your replies.
    I haven't been on for a while. It was the social worker who told us to take mum to the home so she could get the feel of the place. We told her she was going on holiday for a week's rest. She had no idea it was a care home. It seems it is how things are run here.
    Since all that happened mum has deteriorated and we have had to take her back to the hospital to see her doctor. He has now said she has to be admitted into a secure hospital for assessment and then into an EMI unit in a care home. This was a week ago, he said either last week or this week. We haven't had the call yet and it's as if we are treading on hot coals, every time the phone rings our hearts miss a beat.
    I have just come home from my mum's after putting her to bed. I love her so dearly but she hasn't got a clue. She knows my face but she doesn't know I'm her daughter.
    She is now " my daughter " and the love and care she gave me unconditionally is now given to her. I bath her , I dress her, I cook for her but I can't give her the 24 hr care she needs now.
    My heart is breaking, seeing my mum who has always been such a strong healthy lady turn into such a deffencless victim of this desease.
    So no, no information was given to my mum at all and perhaps the manager of the home was wrong to say it was the wrong time for her to go in for respite, I don't know but I wish she was well enough for a week's respite care. She seems to be jumping stages of this AD and deteriorating rapidly.
    I have to go now as I am having trouble trying to type through the tears.
    I was told that " they don't give us anything we can't handle " but this IS hard, this is MY MUM.
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hi suptowngirl,

    I relate to your pain on leaving your mother in a secure hospital for assessment for an EMI unit.

    My mother had to go in an EMI unit, because she wandered, would have tried to leave the main building, and would go in other people`s rooms. It was extremely distressing for both of us, but there was no alternative.

    I personally don`t think it would have made much difference if she had been accepted for respite in February, because she would most probably have forgotten that experience by now, if, as you say, she has deteriorated.

    It`s a situation you wouldn`t wish on your worst enemy, but what can you do? I just hope, following her assessment, arrangements are made which you are more able to come to terms with.

    Take care
  10. suptowngirl

    suptowngirl Registered User

    Sep 19, 2005
    Respite before care home

    Thanks Sylvia,
    We know we have to face it head on sometime this week and we also know that will be better for mum as she will have 24/7 care. She has started wandering but she has also started to trash her house and of course someone else has done it. It's getting to the stage where she is becoming a danger to herself as this happens through the night. She is also getting aggressive too, not physically but verbally and that is not my mum. She worked until she was 70 as a home help, looking after people in her situation now. I never thought this would happen to her.
    So here is another day where our hearts will miss a beat every time the phone rings.
    My mum , bless her , is oblivious to this and goes" to work" ( day centre ) to earn her keep. :) . I just only hope she understands even a little that she is going into hospital for help. It hurts so so much and I know you all understand how we feel but that doesn't stop the pain. I love my mum and this feeling of guilt and "what if" is constantly with us.
    Thank You for listening
    Sheila .X

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