Respite and feelings of guilt

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Best74, May 31, 2015.

  1. Best74

    Best74 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2014
    My Dad is 69 and has Alzheimer's. He lives at home My mum is his main carer and I help too. He has deteriorated considerably in the last few months, to the point where we are now considering respite but the feelings of guilt both my mum and myself have even thinking about respite are totally overwhelming.
    The last week has been awful with sleepless nights due to Dad's incontinence and wandering. He has also started ' seeing things' I guess a bit like hallucinations . Respite is a last resort but we now feel we have no choice and so are visiting two homes tomorrow to have a look. But actually making the decision will be unbearable and is already stressing me out. I know for my Mum's health and well being it is something we have to plan for and dad going into respite for a week will help us to keep him at home longer but it doesn't make the decision any easier. Has anyone else been in this situation ? x
  2. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Its a respite break - dont make it bigger in your mind

    My mum did not have respite but had to go to hospital for months and I had to find a care home for her. I dreaded this and worried about it for 2 years. I did not believe she would ever be happy in a care home. I was totally wrong. My mum is very happy and settled. On one of her clearer days she actually told me she was happy and that I had made a good choice and sell her house.

    You Dad might be OK in respite. He will be safe and cared for and you can all recharge your batteries. He will pick up on your mood so see it as a holiday for him. He needs you all to be healthy and able to go on.

    Take it a day at a time and dont try to imagine what might happen. Its a short holiday. Try to see it that way. His reality is very different to yours. Best of luck in finding a place you like and recharging your batteries.
  3. Isabella41

    Isabella41 Registered User

    Feb 20, 2012
    Northern Ireland
    I agree with Qilty. Treat it as you booking a nice holiday for your dad. Your mum and you need a break. Take it from someone (and there are plenty of us on here) who has been on this journey a while that you need to pace yourself and be kind to yourself.
  4. sarahjg

    sarahjg Registered User

    Apr 15, 2015
    Hi- We found ourselves in this position last year. Mum so needed a break from everything she was doing for Dad but felt as if she was letting him down… his time in respite turned out to be a real blessing. She went away with my aunty for a few days and I was able to visit him regularly ...despite all our misgivings he was absolutely fine. We were very lucky in that he was able to have respite care where he was already going to a day centre and the staff knew him and he had some sense of familiarity. As other posters have said - think of it as a short holiday. The break did us all good and long term enabled Mum and I to take better care of him having had a 'breather'… thinking of you xx
  5. Desperate39

    Desperate39 Registered User

    Nov 30, 2012
    My mum went into respite for the first time last week and I can't sing its praises highly enough, for everyone, including mum. Dad and I looked at a few places til we found somewhere we were both happy with. I took mum there, and I dreaded it. But she walked in quite happily and was quickly whisked off by staff for a cuppa. When I collected her 2 days later she was sitting in the dining room with 3 other women, happy as Larry. She said she had had a lovely time. In fact when she got home she was seemingly more animated and happy than I had seen in a while, I presume as a result of the company and activities. My dad also really benefitted from three days to himself. All in all, very positive and we plan to do it again very soon.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  6. Best74

    Best74 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2014
    Thank you all for your posts and I agree to treat it as a holiday for Dad. We have visited 2 homes today, one of which seems to suit both mum and dads needs so going to try and get something sorted with social services . I'm unsure how Dad will or if he will settle in any home but we will have to see how if goes. I'll let you all know how it goes x x

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