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Resolving family conflict

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Rayofsunshine, Jun 14, 2019.

  1. Rayofsunshine

    Rayofsunshine New member

    Jun 13, 2019
    #1 Rayofsunshine, Jun 14, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2019
    So I'm looking to get a view point on a family situation not sure where to start.. other people's view points would be welcome!
    My mother lives with my sister and her husband in my mother's house, our mother has Alzheimer's and She has to have help with washing, can't prepare any meals/drinks/ we have had issues with tolieting and she has to have someone with her all the time she has been known to wander in recent times which has been a worry! And she gets up a fair bit in the night and has to be put back to bed. To describe in a crude way it's like looking after a young child/ that level of care.
    My sister is pregnant, first child and I'm really concerned that this situation is not going to work for many reasons but she said she had cope with it.
    Has anyone got experience of this situation? Can suggest how we best handle this situation without it ending up in a big fallout? My sister does not contribute to the house in the form of rental, we do have a carer for when she's at work which is very expensive and my mother pays for. My mother Is a self funder due to savings which are currently being used for her care but that won't last forever. I feel that if my sister is not going to be working we should not longer have the carer as she'll be home with the baby but how will she cope with it all?
    I have suggested in the past that Perhaps it was time to move out if she was starting a family and how would it work but it was met with the response of we will deal with it and it felt to them like I was trying to push them out which I wasn't, I was just trying to be realistic about the situation and has everyone's welfare at heart. I have children myself with my ex so I know how hard life with children is, unfortunately I live 100 miles away from my mother and only live in a 1 bedroom flat. I regularly go down and see my mother and help out and take her away for the weekend. I'm worried the impact this situation is going to have on everyone living in the house!
  2. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Rayofsunshine. Sorry about your family's hard complicated situation. For what it is worth I think you should keep the carers coming in after your sister has the baby as she will need all the help she can get. I live with my partner, who has vascular dementia, and having someone else take the burden of personal care is a huge help to both of us. When savings drop below £23,000 you can get financial help, and also as your mum needs care then she should be entitled to attendance allowance which is not means tested. Ask her local authority for a care needs assessment and ask AgeUK for advice on benefits, if you have not already done so, would be the best advice I have.
  3. Fullticket

    Fullticket Registered User

    Apr 19, 2016
    Chard, Somerset
    I think you are dealing with more than one issue here and they probably need to be addressed one at a time.
    Your mother is having some assistance to help her. It is paid for but presumably allows you to feel a little more relaxed about her welfare. Personally, I don't think this should stop just because your sister (or whoever) is about to be around a lot more as it might be difficult to reinstate in the same way, with the same people.
    Your sister may be around once the child is born but, as with any new mother, her time will disappear simply in dealing with the welfare of the child, e.g.allow three hours to get baby up, fed, dressed, in pram, out the door.
    Factor in appointments for new mother and child; factor in the exhaustion of being up all night, etc. etc.
    Will she have time to look after her mother, who in essence is a big child? What if mum walks out the door and sister is left with dilemma of leaving child to follow mum or letting mum wander while she gets child into pram, etc. etc.
    Finally, are you annoyed that your sister is living rent free? Be honest.
  4. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    Are you concerned about your sister's welfare or just about your Mum's? Firstly you're complaining that she lives rent-free, and secondly that the additional carers are expensive. Do you think she ought to pay rent AND take up all the caring by herself while she is on maternity leave? That is not realistic, and as your sister I would be quite upset by such a suggestion. You don't seem to consider her caring as work, when she is helping enormously by just being there. Thirdly, she seems to think she can manage as before, so why not see how it goes first? Why should your sister move out, causing not only a disruption to your mother's care but probably also more expenses through in-bought care? If your sister says she can't cope, that will be a different scenario, but I would cross that bridge when you come to it.
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I agree that your sister should not stop the carers once the baby is born - your sister will definitely need them once she has a baby and your mum to care for. As someone has said, once your mums saving fall below £25,000 then the Local Authority will help with the finances. To be honest, from what you have described (unable to make even a drink and wandering) if your sister was unable to look after your mum, she would have to move into a care home. So, you see, I would not begrudge your sister living there rent free - if you got a professional to do it it would cost a fortune.

    I think it is very likely that your sister has underestimated how much work having a baby and your mum is going to be, but I think you will have to leave it to her to find out. Has anyone considered your mum going to daycare some days? It would give your sister a break, would give your mum other company and would probably be cheaper than a carer.
  6. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    I can understand your feelings, in that if your sister is living rent free, the return would normally be that she is the carer - which she is for part of the time, but your mother also has hours of self-funded care each day too.

    What would your solution be? If your sister moves out, your mother would need 24 hour care so she would have to pay for that, whether it's at home or in a care home - more expensive than the current situation.

    I suspect the situation will resolve 'naturally' once the baby is born, because your sister will quickly realise she cannot cope with a baby and your mother, even with a carer part of the day. Your mother may also find it difficult to accept the intrusions of a baby making a noise and needing attention. In that case, your mother would presumably need to move to a care home (cheaper than 24 hour care at home) and your sister would need to move elsewhere.
  7. myss

    myss Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    Hello @Rayofsunshine welcome to the forum. I have to agree with Beate's sentiments here. You seem to have issues with something that has not become an issue as yet.

    I know it's good to plan ahead - especially if when your sister become a carer and a new parent - and I'm proactive like this too, but while your mum does have a carer in the form of your sister and external help, and your sister has stated that she will cope, I'm presuming that your sister has her husband there for additional help and can increase the external help if she needs it too.
  8. silversea2020

    silversea2020 Registered User

    May 12, 2019
    I’d say you’ve be darn lucky to have a sister who’s been caring for your mum! How wonderful of her to do this - do you realise how expensive 24 hour care costs are? I’d say your sister has earned her ‘rent free’ position - not sure why you mention this - you live a distance away and do what you can but please don’t think it’s easy for your sister. Your sister is most certainly coping with an awful lot. I wouldn’t stop the carers which are even more vital now that your sister is expecting a baby. I’d let your sister continue as she is by not saying or suggesting anything for now - let her see how it all goes being as she’s the one doing the ‘donkey work’
  9. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    I am a sister who has moved in with dad almost full time as someone needs to be with dad 24/7 now. I have a brother who does what he can but he works and also has a busy social life so I get the brunt of this.

    I would say that your sister has it pretty tough and pregnant too, she is going to need help when she has the baby. My dad sounds much easier to cope with than your mum as he is still very compliant, good natured and no toilet problems at the moment but it is still very hard.

    Dad does not have outside carers yet as there is no need but when the time comes he will pay for them. I would not expect to to provide personal care for dad. I think your sister will have enough to do.

    Should I pay dad rent for the privilege of living at dad's while looking after him. I would not like to print my reply to that on here.
  10. Alzheimer's Society

    Alzheimer's Society Volunteer Moderator

    This thread has run its course and so has been closed to further posts. Thank you everyone.
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