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Residential home/ own flat

Janma

New member
Oct 23, 2020
4
0
My friend was diagnosed with mixed dementia 3 years ago. He lives on his own in a flat. Over the past 2 years has got steadily worse, now has carers 3 times a day. I am his friend, but since covid just became his carer. I dealt with his shopping, meds, appointments, phone calls, etc and everyday visited 2/3 hours, no sooner I had left he would phone, this is apart from phone calls before I got there.up to 20 times a day. He has had problems with locking his door , locking himself out, and the worst is his frustration, as he has started banging his head, or hitting the wall with his fist, once or twice he has hit me too, quite unexpectedly. His speech is going now as well.
He recently went into respite care for 3 weeks and is due to come out tomorrow, but social services are having a meeting with him for mental capacity and assessment for him to stay in there. He rings me in a morning, asking to go back to his flat, he doesn't like it there, although they do have activities every day, and seem quite nice. I have not been invited to the meeting, I hold p o a for him. Do you think I should be present, or will that complicated his answers.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
3,173
0
Dorset
I had PoA for The Banjoman, made sure SS knew about it and went to every meeting armed with every reason as to why, despite his protestations, he should be admitted to residential care.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
412
0
Janma, you have done such a lot for your friend. I am in a similar situation to you with my friend and have reached the limit of what support I am willing to provide, You need to decide what support you are able to give your friend in the future and make sure that SS are aware of your limits so that when they decide on your friend's future living arrangements they are realistic about your input. If you don't do that then SS may well make a care plan which is dependent on you if they think that he might be able to manage at home for a while longer.
 

Janma

New member
Oct 23, 2020
4
0
Janma, you have done such a lot for your friend. I am in a similar situation to you with my friend and have reached the limit of what support I am willing to provide, You need to decide what support you are able to give your friend in the future and make sure that SS are aware of your limits so that when they decide on your friend's future living arrangements they are realistic about your input. If you don't do that then SS may well make a care plan which is dependent on you if they think that he might be able to manage at home for a while longer.
I have already told them that I am his friend, and not his carer, despite the last 2 years every day, throughout the night, I have suggested he has more help with carers at his home, and day centres , which he loves. Unfortunately everyone sees him as a lovely gentle natured polite person, but lately when I am around, his frustrations are taken out on me,he is so unpredictable..he would never swear, but of late that has got bad. It's not nice to see him become so frustrated with himself, that has calmed down whilst he has been in respite care, but today he wanted picking up to go back,and was getting very angry down the phone...I know deep down he is in the best place now, but feel so sorry for him, I need to stay strong...i know deep down what level of help I have left to give him, and he is only going to get worse. I just think I should support him, being there, whilst he has 2 social workers applying a mental capacity assessment etc. He has no capacity for his everyday care anymore. sorry you are in the same position, I hope you can get help too...
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
412
0
My friend has recently been found to have capacity in relation to her living arrangements. I’ve decided that if my friend won’t accept live-in care then I will have to walk away as I am finding it all too much. Like you, my friend has a care package but there are so many things that it doesn’t cover, in particular, things breaking down in the house. I find being the first port of call for everything and everyone especially wearing. Essentially, I am running her house, her care package, her finances and her life and health admin. The week before I went on holiday I was at her house every day doing things and that was without her being there (she was in hospital).

I hope that you will be able to come to terms with stepping back or away. It will be difficult to do because you are fond of your friend but once you reach your limit you must. SS will have to find a solution.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,290
0
If it is true, make the point that you have both types of power of attorney, financial and health. A move into a care home is both a financial decision and a health decision. That's true even if he is to be funded by the local authority because his pension will be used to part-fund the care home so as his attorney for finance you are involved. Insist on being there.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,290
0
Like you, my friend has a care package but there are so many things that it doesn’t cover, in particular, things breaking down in the house. I find being the first port of call for everything and everyone especially wearing. Essentially, I am running her house, her care package, her finances and her life and health admin. The week before I went on holiday I was at her house every day doing things and that was without her being there (she was in hospital).
This makes a point that I have noticed regularly - how do people who depend on care get things done to maintain their homes? Carers do not organise the electrician, the plumber, or do minor maintenance. On my weekly visits to my father I am always doing practical things or organising more specialist help like a heating engineer. The other day I fitted a new door handle, next week I need to clear some gutters, and then there is the garden.... Getting minor maintenance like that done by professionals when most people would do DIY could be absurdly expensive and if people are cared for by social services... well would you trust a local authority to swiftly organise minor repairs? Perhaps there is a role here for a different sort of carer, someone who has practical and organisational skils to take on the upkeep of a property whilst somoene is living there who cannot cope....
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
412
0
Picking up on post #10, I’d make two points.

First, research has shown that people without children go into residential care earlier than those who do have children and I suspect that one of the reasons for that is that no care package covers the house and most life admin. Care packages are designed to provide personal care and a bit of cleaning only. Although many adult children do not provide day to day care they will arrange for things to be done / deal with appointments etc and, very often, even if they live some distance away will sort out problems in the house themselves and take their parents to appointments.

Secondly, when solicitors are involved as court appointed deputies they engage case managers to sort out practical things.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,882
0
Nottinghamshire
This makes a point that I have noticed regularly - how do people who depend on care get things done to maintain their homes? Carers do not organise the electrician, the plumber, or do minor maintenance. On my weekly visits to my father I am always doing practical things or organising more specialist help like a heating engineer. The other day I fitted a new door handle, next week I need to clear some gutters, and then there is the garden.... Getting minor maintenance like that done by professionals when most people would do DIY could be absurdly expensive and if people are cared for by social services... well would you trust a local authority to swiftly organise minor repairs? Perhaps there is a role here for a different sort of carer, someone who has practical and organisational skils to take on the upkeep of a property whilst somoene is living there who cannot cope....

I have a friend who offers this type of care service. She used to take my dad shopping, clean, do laundry, gardening, remind him to take his meds, sort out minor repairs and organise professional help if needed and I wasn’t available to do it. She advertises on Nextdoor for work in the local area and demand for her services are high. I imagine others are doing the same - but probably not easy to find.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,290
0
I have a friend who offers this type of care service. She used to take my dad shopping, clean, do laundry, gardening, remind him to take his meds, sort out minor repairs and organise professional help if needed and I wasn’t available to do it. She advertises on Nextdoor for work in the local area and demand for her services are high. I imagine others are doing the same - but probably not easy to find.
Interesting. There ought to be a name for it. How about "Housecarer"?
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
412
0
Yes, it’s house (and garden) maintenance and the repair or replacement of items in the house that break down that are the problem. I don’t know what happens about these things if the PWD has no family or no family willing and able to help. And by the time that dementia has really set in the house might not have had much maintenance or attention for a number of years. As people get older they can be reluctant to get tradesmen in, perhaps because they are worried about the cost (whether or not that’s justified) / they worry about being ripped off / they just can’t face the hassle. Apathy / inability to plan are common in the early stages of dementia before it becomes really noticeable. My friend’s house has been well maintained but everything is old and things are breaking down. She has a large garden which she can no longer manage. She used to have a gardener but she doesn’t want to come any more, for reasons that I haven’t quite been able to pin down (I’ve heard various explanations) and so the garden has had no attention for over a year (and little attention before that) and has become very overgrown. I got a man round to cut everything back. That was nine hours work, with my son and I helping much of the time. And there’s probably another 40% of the back garden left.
 

Janma

New member
Oct 23, 2020
4
0
My friend has recently been found to have capacity in relation to her living arrangements. I’ve decided that if my friend won’t accept live-in care then I will have to walk away as I am finding it all too much. Like you, my friend has a care package but there are so many things that it doesn’t cover, in particular, things breaking down in the house. I find being the first port of call for everything and everyone especially wearing. Essentially, I am running her house, her care package, her finances and her life and health admin. The week before I went on holiday I was at her house every day doing things and that was without her being there (she was in hospital).

I hope that you will be able to come to terms with stepping back or away. It will be difficult to do because you are fond of your friend but once you reach your limit you must. SS will have to find a solution.
Hello, just an update on my friends visit from ss. He does have capacity, and really wants to get back to his own flat. 3 days on the trot now he has phoned me, begging me to collect him, he hates it there, but he doesn't complain to any one in there, and they assume he has settled. Ss, want to offer him a rolling respite, not quite sure how that works, I have a meeting with them on Wednesday next, Will update then.
 

Feeling unsupported

Registered User
Jul 9, 2021
49
0
My friend has recently been found to have capacity in relation to her living arrangements. I’ve decided that if my friend won’t accept live-in care then I will have to walk away as I am finding it all too much. Like you, my friend has a care package but there are so many things that it doesn’t cover, in particular, things breaking down in the house. I find being the first port of call for everything and everyone especially wearing. Essentially, I am running her house, her care package, her finances and her life and health admin. The week before I went on holiday I was at her house every day doing things and that was without her being there (she was in hospital).

I hope that you will be able to come to terms with stepping back or away. It will be difficult to do because you are fond of your friend but once you reach your limit you must. SS will have to find a solution.
For several years I have had to be very pro-active in organising mum's care. I do not and am not, willing to provide her personal care and have therefore not been classed as a carer. This has meant her supported living establishment would not allow me to visit her, for much of the last 18 months. I could not get any support or priority for covid jabs etc, in my role as a carer. However, I have spent innumerable hours most weeks, battling with her admin re household expenditure, generally trying to get things sorted, chasing medical professionals and prescriptions, the list is endless. I was almost pushed to breaking point. How you amazing people manage, when also living with and providing hands on care for your PWD is just phenomenal, you have my utmost admiration.👏😘