Dear Joy
I hope this forum will help you in some small way to feel less alone - it has certainly helped me a great deal to find that there are so many other people out there experiencing the same things and understanding what you are saying, no matter what.
Your posting rang so many bells with me - my husband is also under a Section 3 and was admitted to an NHS hospital dementia assessment unit just before Christmas after a rapid deterioration in the last 4 months following several years of slow progression of the disease. He too was aggressive on occasions, usually when he didn't want to have help with dressing, bathing etc, or when he wanted to get out of the house in the middle of the night and I tried to persuade him otherwise. You may also have read on a previous posting that the final decision sort of made itself when he turned a gas tap on in the night and luckily I woke up and managed to avoid an explosion! My husband, like yours, also lost a great deal of weight around the time the deterioration started, but has now put it all back on again.
Has your husband been tested for other conditions eg urinary or other infections, as I understand that these can lead to sudden deterioration? My husband is being investigated for prostate problems (awaiting cystoscopy and biopsy) as a urine flow test and ultrasound revealed that there may be a waterworks problem. Not sure if it will be any help, as I understand that even if the underlying cause can be remedied, it doesn't usually reverse the mental deterioration. But it may prevent or alleviate possible physical discomfort, so I want the investigation to take place.
It is such a terrible blow when you finally have to come to the decision to let your husband go into care after struggling keep him at home as long as possible (and even when it feels impossible). My two sons (who live away from home, but visited over Christmas), my husband's twin brother and other friends all did their best to keep me occupied over Christmas, but it was hard to keep a brave face on things, and I've had a good many tearful times.
Over the following two weeks I started to come to terms with it all to some extent, as my husband settled down on the ward immediately (it was the one he had been on before) and seemed reasonably happy, but two weeks ago he was suddenly transferred with little warning to an adjacent longer stay ward to continue his assessment for permanent care. The ward has quite a different atmosphere for a number of reasons, but mainly because most of the patients are much older, more advanced and many are completely immobile and unable to communicate in any way, which seems to affect the spirit of the nursing staff. My husband is still mobile and aware to some extent of his surroundings, and for the first week was very unhappy and tearful. He was also confused by the move and has had incontinence problems (which he didn't have at home, even in the last week when I had to show him where the toilet was every time) so have given the consultant and the nursing staff a piece of my mind! I could do without this right now.
Just this week he seems to have settled a bit, but is still confused and lost, and says things like "it's horrible here" - about the longest coherent sentence he's capable of now. The consultant has agreed that his brother and I can take him out of the ward for short outings (he is a big strong man and if he decided not to return I would need his brother to help).
You shouldn't feel guilty - you have done everything you can, and you wouldn't have let your husband go into care if you could have coped any longer - but I know it's no good saying that to you, as we all suffer from guilt to some degree. I am glad that I did make that one last attempt to have my husband back at home, even if it went pear-shaped in the end, as I think I feel slightly less guilty than if I'd just given up while he was in hospital the time before - perhaps you too can feel a little less guilty because you did this as well.
Of course, the other problem is that Disabled Living Allowance and Carer's Allowance stops as soon as permanent care starts - so I had to go to the Job Centre to sign on immediately after Christmas as my means of support became very slim - the last thing I felt capable of was taking on a full time job if it was offered - but needs must! A very understanding advisor said that I couldn't possibly be in a fit state to look for work after everything I'd been through, and that I was to go immediately to my GP and he would sign me off for Incapacity Benefit. He agreed that I needed to rest and recover from the stress of the last few years, and has signed the note for me, which helps, as my husband's hospital is 20 miles away and it takes about a 3 hour round trip to visit for an hour. I think that the financial implications are much more significant for families of those with early onset dementia.
I have found that the Age Concern website has some excellent and quite detailed information sheets about going into care and charging for care. They are free of charge. The Alzheimer's Society also has loads of information sheets and have a helpl line for advice. I think the website links for these two are in a "sticky" note at the top of the general discussion forum.
I have just found the Care Standards Agency site (I think it's
www.carestandards.org.uk, but a search for "carestandards" should find it). This publishes very detailed and recent reports on care homes of all sorts and is one way of checking out quite a lot of information about specific care homes. I am told that my husband will need to go into a specialist care home because of his "challenging behaviour" and escaping abilities, but they are not sure which one is appropriate. They are very limited in number in our area, and none nearer than 20 miles away. I'm in limbo about this and certainly don't want him moved until a really suitable place is found, even though the Consultant does admit that his current situation is not appropriate.
Well, I seem to have run away with myself - I'm sorry I have gone on at such great length - partly "sounding off" for myself, I'm afraid, but I hope that some of the leads to other sources of information may be of some help.
Kindest regards - will be thinking of you. Please let us know how things go.
Ruthie