Resentment from partner's family

[wdfortyplus]

I do try my best not to over step the mark when it comes to my MIL! As she has family who are aware of the situation...but we the ones living closest to her. Distance wise. So can 'pop in', can 'resolve' a problem. But now just heard from my partner that her sister replied to her that my MIL thinks "the sun shines out of my ....!" to me that is resentment! Seriously don't know wether I'm coming or going with this now as I want to be of support to my partner but seriously can do without the 'resentment' factor. Have enough to deal with when I have my own mum to care about. And is making me think twice about how I proceed now. I've just spent the morning with MIL to get her back on par with eating and get this in the ear........! I thought I was helping but that comment was hurful! Maybe need to just completely back off.

 

[jenniferpa]

I'm going to be blunt here - what was your partner thinking about to share this little titbit with you? Has it helped matters? Or was it a rather clueless attempt to let you see how much your MIL values you?

Whatever the reason, it's now been reported. To be honest, I'm not sure its so much about resentment as frustration. Sometimes in these situations it seems as if there is always one person who has the halo, and the rest of the family are disregarded by the person with dementia. Sometimes the halo is fairly awarded and sometimes it isn't - it sounds as if in this case it has been. However, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with if you aren't the flavour of the month. She shouldn't have said it, no, but we all sometimes say what we shouldn't in the heat of the moment.

Just my take on the situation: feel free to ignore.

 

[SWMBO1950]

Hi wdfortyplus

Just ignore the sarky comments.

I think they should be grateful for your input and caring. Don't be influenced by any of it. I would sum it up as a guilty concience on the part of your partners sister.

I have a similar situation with my own sister who apparently needs to forgive me for making her feel guilty for leaving the country (some 40+ years ago for Australia - no one forced her and it was her choice). Any guilt is her own and not of my making

Carry on with being a caring person you have always been and you know the saying "Don't let the b*****ds grind you down !!

 

[Grommit]

Sounds like some of your partners family are suffering from guilt complexes.

They prefer to criticise when you are helping usually because they know that they can do no better themselves or are not prepared to give up the time and effort to help.

It is natural that your MIL will praise you to everyone for your help and for that, you will find yourself between a rock and a hard place as far as the other family members are concerned.

You have two choices, carry on and take no notice or pack it in and let them get on with it. The problem is that packing it in would be very difficult. Not many of us can turn round, walk away and leave someone in need of help and I suspect your own feelings will not allow you to do that.

Call the family together round the kitchen table and have it out with them. Just see how many volunteer to take your place and then you and they will know exactly where you stand.

 

[SWMBO1950]

For the record despite all I do for my own mother I overheard her telling my sister "Irene is alright but she is hard like her father" (which he was not) - she did not realise I was behind her. If she had stabbed me in the chest with knife it would not have hurt any less I don't think flavours don't come into it personally just the odd workings of a mind with dementia.

And yes maybe your partner should have kept their mouth shut but maybe it was meant as a moral booster to you

I'm going to be blunt here - what was your partner thinking about to share this little titbit with you? Has it helped matters? Or was it a rather clueless attempt to let you see how much your MIL values you?

Whatever the reason, it's now been reported. To be honest, I'm not sure its so much about resentment as frustration. Sometimes in these situations it seems as if there is always one person who has the halo, and the rest of the family are disregarded by the person with dementia. Sometimes the halo is fairly awarded and sometimes it isn't - it sounds as if in this case it has been. However, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with if you aren't the flavour of the month. She shouldn't have said it, no, but we all sometimes say what we shouldn't in the heat of the moment.

Just my take on the situation: feel free to ignore.

 

[hollycat]

I am going to take the OPPOSITE VIEW.

WHAT A COMPLIMENT............you are obviously doing a fantastic job.

So FANTASTIC, that those around feel SO GUILTY that they have to pass nasty remarks.

RISE ABOVE IT. YOU ARE BETTER THAN ALL OF THEM. I CAN SEE YOU CARE.

P.S. Agree with Jennifer, what was your partner thinking of ?

 

[Haylett]

wdfortyplus, sounds like you are doing a great job!! Your MIL certainly appreciates you (mine thinks I'm the scullery maid with designs on the 'master' of the house!) - which means that you are doing absolutely the right thing and being both a support to your partner and a real help to your MIL. You obviously have a generous spirit, so I would laugh it off with good grace, and say that you will willingly sit down (warn the family, there might be a total eclipse..), back off etc, if anyone wants to lend a hand. My guess is that you're not at all. Perhaps it was one of those unfortunate remarks, meant to be said with roll of eyes, hail the conquering hero with his shiny pants - it came out wrong but was fundamentally well meant to acknowledge all that you do. Failing that, I'd happily recruit a willing BIL!!!!

 

[wdfortyplus]

thank you for perspective.....

It so happened we'd had an argument the night before, with being stressed out over what had happened with MIL. But when my partner came home she showed me the text message sent by her sister; it did nothing to convince me otherwise but to save the peace I smiled gracefully...and went to make a cup of tea.

We replaced the microwave, the canopener for MIL. and made sure she sat down to eat her evening meal tonight. She was a lot more lucid than what she was lastnight. I helps to know that I didn't just imagine what I was hearing or seeing; as sometimes feel is very much a push and pull battle with MIL family.

Very much the case of 'yes - you come and stand in my shoes and step upto the plate' when there is a real need for help with MIL ...but ''reasons'' are at the ready and it falls to both of us or one of us.

It is not always picked up what MIL is feeling; but my guess is she is anxious over the building work that is to be carried out shortly. So is worrying about it all. But when try to explain this is not always understood in the right way of 'hindsight'.

I count us lucky as not having to 'live in' with our mums; as so many of carers do. But it is also a strain in a lot of ways; as with my mum not there to 'pop in' as I do with MIL! So when something like such a comment is stated; I do think twice about it. But at the heart of it my MIL has been there in ways my own mum hasn't. And soley for that reason; is the reason I care.