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Repeatedly saying moved to a home unnecessarily, ideas please

KiwiDotty

New member
Jan 17, 2020
4
Hi not sure if this is in the right thread as a newbie to this!
My mother was diagnosed with dementia 24 months ago. We have gradually increased the wrap around services as her ability to do day to day activities become more challenging. After a fall and hospital stay of several weeks, mum was allowed home again with more input. Unfortunately her confusion and general deterioration continued and 10 days ago we had to have her put into a Rest home. My mother is hating it, tears and accusations that we have put her there unnecessarily, it is a huge strain and so upsetting to see her now. Any tips on how to approach this next phase would be good, at the moment when we visit it is all rehashed again and again. Have tried simple crosswords but not successful. Open to suggestions please
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
10,881
Merseyside
Hi not sure if this is in the Welcome thread as a newbie to this! My mother was diagnosed with dementia 24 months ago. We have gradually increased the wrap around services as her ability to do day to day activities become more challenging. After a fall and hospital stay of several weeks, mum was allowed home again with more input. Unfortunately her confusion and general deterioration continued and 10 days ago we had to have her put into a Rest home. My mother is hating it, tears and accusations that we have put her there unnecessarily, it is a huge strain and so upsetting to see her now. Any tips on how to approach this next phase would be good, at the moment when we visit it is all rehashed again and again. Have tried simple crosswords but not successful. Open to suggestions please
Welcome to DTP @KiwiDotty
Could you blame the doctor for her being there? She’s there until she’s stronger or to recuperate?
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,754
Yorkshire
Hello @KiwiDotty
It can take some time to settle into the new environment and routines
I think you are right to try distractions.. maybe take in a treat each visit, a cake or fruit or whatever your mother enjoys so she has something to concentrate on.. maybe a magazine with lots of pictures

try not to get into a discussion with your mother, no explanations, just some acknowledgement of her feeling(not the situation) eg I'm sorry you feel upset, let's have a cuppa and see if I can find a biscuit too... and if possible move to another room or chair so her mind is taken elsewhere as well as her body

Maybe keep visits short for now and not every day.. possibly leave as she is going for a meal so she has that to think about... and no long goodbyes, just quietly leave, no putting on your coat in front of her

I also took every chance I could to praise something about her new home eg the view, the thoughtful staff, the delicious food, the comfortable bedroom... so dad only picked up good vibes from me
 

KiwiDotty

New member
Jan 17, 2020
4
Hello @KiwiDotty
It can take some time to settle into the new environment and routines
I think you are right to try distractions.. maybe take in a treat each visit, a cake or fruit or whatever your mother enjoys so she has something to concentrate on.. maybe a magazine with lots of pictures

try not to get into a discussion with your mother, no explanations, just some acknowledgement of her feeling(not the situation) eg I'm sorry you feel upset, let's have a cuppa and see if I can find a biscuit too... and if possible move to another room or chair so her mind is taken elsewhere as well as her body

Maybe keep visits short for now and not every day.. possibly leave as she is going for a meal so she has that to think about... and no long goodbyes, just quietly leave, no putting on your coat in front of her

I also took every chance I could to praise something about her new home eg the view, the thoughtful staff, the delicious food, the comfortable bedroom... so dad only picked up good vibes from me
Hello @KiwiDotty
It can take some time to settle into the new environment and routines
I think you are right to try distractions.. maybe take in a treat each visit, a cake or fruit or whatever your mother enjoys so she has something to concentrate on.. maybe a magazine with lots of pictures

try not to get into a discussion with your mother, no explanations, just some acknowledgement of her feeling(not the situation) eg I'm sorry you feel upset, let's have a cuppa and see if I can find a biscuit too... and if possible move to another room or chair so her mind is taken elsewhere as well as her body

Maybe keep visits short for now and not every day.. possibly leave as she is going for a meal so she has that to think about... and no long goodbyes, just quietly leave, no putting on your coat in front of her

I also took every chance I could to praise something about her new home eg the view, the thoughtful staff, the delicious food, the comfortable bedroom... so dad only picked up good vibes from me
Thank you for some great ideas. Last couple of visits have been so much better as I have changed subject when my mother started with who put me here etc. I have also changed from visiting every day, and take my mother out to the communal lounge for a cuppa. Have been thrilled to discover on the days I don’t visit my mother has got involved in the activities. Early days yet, but starting to believe we made the right choice. Not only is my mother safe but with people around her more opportunity for interaction and a quality of life rather than existence.
 

Avis

Registered User
Nov 2, 2019
106
Thank you for some great ideas. Last couple of visits have been so much better as I have changed subject when my mother started with who put me here etc. I have also changed from visiting every day, and take my mother out to the communal lounge for a cuppa. Have been thrilled to discover on the days I don’t visit my mother has got involved in the activities. Early days yet, but starting to believe we made the right choice. Not only is my mother safe but with people around her more opportunity for interaction and a quality of life rather than existence.
Glad to hear that your mother is settling. My daughter works in aged care and says that creating a memory book can be a lovely activity for those new to care. Don't do it all in one visit but take some photos in and get her to select a few and tell yu about them so you can write a bit about each one. Each time you come bring something for the book. Just a suggestion. Hope it helps.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,166
Hi not sure if this is in the right thread as a newbie to this!
My mother was diagnosed with dementia 24 months ago. We have gradually increased the wrap around services as her ability to do day to day activities become more challenging. After a fall and hospital stay of several weeks, mum was allowed home again with more input. Unfortunately her confusion and general deterioration continued and 10 days ago we had to have her put into a Rest home. My mother is hating it, tears and accusations that we have put her there unnecessarily, it is a huge strain and so upsetting to see her now. Any tips on how to approach this next phase would be good, at the moment when we visit it is all rehashed again and again. Have tried simple crosswords but not successful. Open to suggestions please
My mother-in-law went into care in 2018 and my husband and I were always confronted by verbal abuse about it being a "living hell". There was always complaints about how the staff ignored her . Well the care home had a Facebook page and there she was in one of their uploaded photos, smiling, taking part in the activities. After that, we just ignored the complaints
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,630
South coast
Its early days @KiwiDotty - it took mum a couple of months to settle down and some people take longer.
people with dementia often complain to their nearest and dearest about how they hate it, no one feeds them, everyone ignores them, etc etc, but then the rest of the time they are fine and not upset at all. I guess seeing family reminds them of home and gets them into that loop. You have probably found that trying to explain will just make it worse and It sounds like distraction is working well for your mum, so just continue with the distraction. I used to take cake or sweets as a treat for mum and as soon as I could see the way the conversation was headed, or her bottom lip started to tremble I would produce the treat and go and make her a cuppa. After that I would leave quite soon, so she never managed to get up stream. I also found that going home would trigger mum off and she would beg me to take her with me, so on advice from these boards I never said goodbye to her - I used to keep my bag and coat in the managers office (so there was no visual cue that I was going home) and when I went I tried to time it to coincide with a meal - more distraction, although sometimes I had to cut the visit short. Then when I left I just said I needed the loo and I would be back soon.