Removing a loved one from care and having them home again.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Snowedunder, Nov 4, 2015.

  1. Snowedunder

    Snowedunder Registered User

    Jun 13, 2013
    27
    West Country
    Ever since my husband went into a care home eighteen months ago, I have frequently considered bringing him back home again. He is becoming less mobile and so more manageable in many ways.
    He is very impaired and has little language but he still responds to classical music and he enjoys food. The care home food is pretty grim and the sitting room TV is usually tuned to Capital Radio or sport, depending on which carers are on duty.
    I visit him for a couple of hours each day and take him to his room to listen to CD's when I can get him to move.
    The carers are kind but the home is not run well and it seems to me that his quality of life would be so much better if he were in his own home.
    I know there would be a lot to put in place to ensure his care and safety and that it would be very restricting for me but caring for him would give me peace of mind.
    Has anyone done this and how did it work out? I really would welcome feedback.
     
  2. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,942
    North East England
    Dear Snowedunder,
    I cannot advise you, luckily I was not in your position.
    I would like you to ask yourself a few questions though. Your member name gives me a few clues about how you were managing before Dementia put your OH into care :eek:

    At present, there is somone available to your husband 24/7. At home, that somone will be you. Is your physical health good enough to cope with the heavy demands that a less mobile person causes?
    Do you have sufficient room for the equipment your husband's condition will require.
    Will your washing machine be able to cope with the extra loads for example?
    Will you be able to get sitters in order for you to go shopping, to the Dentist or Doctor, or even just out for a walk?
    Is your perception of a manageable condition simply a result of his being in 24 hour care. Is it because he has his medication regularly given and checked?

    These are just a few of the questions you need to ask yourself and to ask the Social Workers and the Care Home staff and Manager.
    You are dissatisfied with the running of the care home but you think that the staff are kind. I think that your husband is also happy because he is settled, but also because his disease has progressed leaving him calmer.

    While I'm not saying you can't manage at home, I would suggest looking at some other homes as well, You may find one that suits you better, but the question you need to ask is " will it suit him better?"
    Good luck with your choices.....whichever you chose, I know it will have been chosen with love.X
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,809
    Female
    South coast
    It is so difficult when someone you love goes into a CH and you just feel you want to scoop them up and take them home when there are problems. I think sometimes we mistake care for love and feel that if we are not caring for them then it means that we dont love them (NOT true)

    Mum is in a CH and she too is much happier, less agitated and when I visit she seems easy to care for, but I know it is only because she is in a CH and there is someone onhand 24/7. If there were only me then Im pretty sure that the old confusion and fears would raise their ugly heads again.

    Im not saying dont do it - some people on here look after their loved ones till the end, but many, many more find that it is just too hard for one person (even with carers going in and out of the home) to deal with. An immobile person requires hoisting, which can take up space and usually required two people. There is also incontinence problems. Does he object to personal care? Does it take more than one person to deal with the personal care (in mums case I know that she is resistant to personal care and it take two people)? What would happen if his personal care needs sorting out when the carers arnt there - especially if he requires hoisting? Can you deal with regular soiled bedding? Will it all fit in your washing machine? Would he have to wait until the carers arrive? Does your home have wheelchair access (difficult to organise if it doesnt)? You dont have to answer any of these - its just things to think about and Im sure Ive not covered everything.

    Have you tried approaching the CH about your concerns? There may be ways of sorting it out and you will be happy for him to remain there. Otherwise perhaps you might want to look at other CHs just to see what option you have.
     
  4. Padraig

    Padraig Registered User

    Dec 10, 2009
    1,039
    Hereford
    Has anyone done this and how did it work out? I really would welcome feedback.
     
  5. Aitchbee

    Aitchbee Registered User

    Nov 3, 2013
    87
    Hi Snowedunder. My sister and I brought Mum home after a year spent in a Nursing Home. The home was badly run and understaffed. One of us would spend every afternoon with Mum. Mum has been home now for 9 months and it isn't easy but we feel it is the right thing for us. We have carers coming in 4 x a day, plus one night call to change Mum during the night. Mum is unable to walk and most of the time is reasonably settled. We had good support from the social worker and admiral nurse. We have been able to do this because there are two of us to share the burden of care and, because we have sufficient room at home. I am not sure I could manage on my own, mainly because of the emotional strain, but also because of the tiredness and lack of time to get things done. The advice from others Cragmaid and Canary is good and they make some good points to consider. Perhaps you need to discuss this with a social worker? Do you have an Admiral Nurse in your area? You could always ring the Admiral Nursing helpline - they are very helpful and knowledgeable. Talk to your GP? I hope you come to a decision that gives you peace of mind, whatever that decision is
     
  6. Padraig

    Padraig Registered User

    Dec 10, 2009
    1,039
    Hereford
    The answer to your question is: yes I did it. This question has often been asked, and the answers are always the same.

    Years ago I removed my wife from a NH when she was in the final stages and chose to care for her on my own, in my own way till she passed. Initially I went on line for the first time in the hope of finding someone else in the same boat. That boat I must admit did leak. My search proved futile, the advice was the same as the doctors and other experts: it's not possible for one person to care 24/7 year on year. I chose to ignore the advice and I'm pleased I did.
    The best way I can describe the experience in a nutshell: it's like looking after a new born large baby. They sleep a lot, require feeding, changing, taking for walks in wheelchairs and like most housewives there's more washing and cooking. Of course you can get help to give your a break, but I chose to be selfish and do everything myself.

    My post may be a waste of time as i never followed conventional methods. One thing, I never used medication for a whole host of problems. But then nobody has ever asked how I managed each aspect of Alzheimer's a long the way.
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,809
    Female
    South coast
    Yes, padraig, I was thinking of you when I said that some people have looked after their loved one till the end.
    I also have a friend in real life who looks after his mother, who is now bedbound and I go and visit. She has carers come in 4x a day, but nevertheless he looks after her 24/7. He does all his shopping etc on-line and never ever goes out.
    I take my hat off to the pair of you.
     
  8. Snowedunder

    Snowedunder Registered User

    Jun 13, 2013
    27
    West Country
    Thank you

    Thank you all for responding. I have thought about changing care homes but this is already the second one - the first one decided they could no longer cope with my husband after eight months.
    I have also thought about the practicalities of caring at home - I looked after his mother when she had dementia forty years ago and after my mother when she had MS, so I'm familiar with the endless laundry and the use of hoists etc though I was younger and probably stronger then.
    I suppose my main concern is that it might prove all too difficult and then there would be the major trauma of putting him back into a care home. I know that there is a move to keep people in their own homes but I don't know how well-supported we would be.

    ps When I called myself Snowedunder I was also trying to look after my SIL who also had dementia but she has since died.
     
  9. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    I think you have put your finger on the most important point. Before making any decision, I would talk to SS and find out, especially if you are not self-funding.
     

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