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Reminded dad mum had died, did I do the right thing?

Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
414
Glasgow
Dad was speaking today(whispering really). He hasn't for days. He's on antibiotics for chest infection again, nurses speaking about sub cut fluids( whole other dilemma). He asked me if I knew he was dying..As he was speaking, I couldn't resist asking if anything else was worrying him. He said 'I'm worried about your mum'. He used to think she was sleeping in the room next to him. Today, he looked so desolate that she wasn't there, that I gently reminded him she was in heaven, and 'with him all the time',I said. He's so frail. He's so far away in most aspects of his illness- but, he does know who I am. Now, I'm sitting here wondering if I said the right thing. I also asked him why he thought he was dying, he didn't answer me. He's probably forgotten I was even there, but I just don't know.


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nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,529
Bristol
I don't know the answer to that one Gwendy, but OH has asked a few times about her dad and about her mum. While i am trying to find the rights answers she remembers they died. Of course, she mourns them all over again and often thinks she will not live much longer herself. That needs a lot of reassurance and comforting before she moves on and forgets again.

Sorry no advice, just empathy.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
Such a difficult one, Gwendy. It's never easy to know what to say, is it? It sounds as though you didn't say the wrong thing, which is sometimes the best we can do.....your dad wasn't upset by what you said, so I hope you can accept it too.

Sending you every good wish

Lindy xx
 

Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
414
Glasgow
Thank you both. It is very tricky. Used to be ok when dad said ,'shh be quiet, your mums sleeping!'.. When we passed the room next door in CH. I thought that he might have felt a bit of peace today if he thought mum was not in pain anymore. I'm afraid that mum dying of cancer a couple of years ago catapulted dad into severe alzheimers. He watched it all, and I have to say, dealt with it with great dignity at the time. He really is a star❤️Just want peace for him. X


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Red66

Registered User
Feb 29, 2016
363
Dad was speaking today(whispering really). He hasn't for days. He's on antibiotics for chest infection again, nurses speaking about sub cut fluids( whole other dilemma). He asked me if I knew he was dying..As he was speaking, I couldn't resist asking if anything else was worrying him. He said 'I'm worried about your mum'. He used to think she was sleeping in the room next to him. Today, he looked so desolate that she wasn't there, that I gently reminded him she was in heaven, and 'with him all the time',I said. He's so frail. He's so far away in most aspects of his illness- but, he does know who I am. Now, I'm sitting here wondering if I said the right thing. I also asked him why he thought he was dying, he didn't answer me. He's probably forgotten I was even there, but I just don't know.


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Hi Gwendy, there was no right answer I don't think. It sounds like he was fretting that she wasn't there, that he couldn't see her, and then would fret that she is now in heaven. You can't win, please don't get yourself worked up about it. This illness is cruel on the sufferer and cruel on the family too. You did what you thought was right at the time, and that is good enough, you can only trust your own instincts. Xxx
 

Wigan

Registered User
May 5, 2013
73
If mum ever says "where's your dad", I will say he is helping my brother with the garden and won't be long. If however she says "your dad's not alive now is he" then I will reply that he isn't and talk about my dad and our lives when he was alive.

I adapt my answer according to what mum believes at that time.

I hope this helps.
 
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Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
414
Glasgow
Thank you all. Saw dad after work and he wasn't speaking again ( apart from saying he was 'not great') He's getting frailer by the day. I've decided about the sub cut thing, read a lot, it's not the answer. He does drink the thickened stuff, he just takes ages to drink it, with help. I have a feeling I can't shake about dad just now... Even that he mentioned my mum- he never does. I think he's had enough, don't know how he has the strength to fight every chest infection. Poor wee soul. Thank u again for sharing your experiences. ❤️Xx


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Red66

Registered User
Feb 29, 2016
363
Thank you all. Saw dad after work and he wasn't speaking again ( apart from saying he was 'not great') He's getting frailer by the day. I've decided about the sub cut thing, read a lot, it's not the answer. He does drink the thickened stuff, he just takes ages to drink it, with help. I have a feeling I can't shake about dad just now... Even that he mentioned my mum- he never does. I think he's had enough, don't know how he has the strength to fight every chest infection. Poor wee soul. Thank u again for sharing your experiences. ❤️Xx


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Hi Gwendy, I was told by an out of hours doc that even though the fluid is sub cut it can still collect on the lungs and cause them to aspirate. I have no idea where the strength comes from to fight each infection, my dad was the same. It's so sad. I wish you strength xxx
 

Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
414
Glasgow
Thanks, Red. I read that.... Saw fluid overload thing with my mum.. Don't ever wish to see it again! Hope you're doing okay? Silly question in the circumstances. Love to u and your family. Xx


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Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,806
Ireland
Thanks, Red. I read that.... Saw fluid overload thing with my mum.. Don't ever wish to see it again! Hope you're doing okay? Silly question in the circumstances. Love to u and your family. Xx


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Ah Gwendy I am so sorry. It must be so difficult for you. Virtual hugs.

Aisling xx
 

Lets_Stop_Time

Registered User
Aug 23, 2015
45
Mother in law never asked where FIL was, always wondered how we would respond if she did. I think she thought he was just at work as she progressed back about say 25 years and thought her kids were young and still at school. I think we may have played it by ear as in what mood she was in at the time.
Theres no right and wrong.
 

Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
414
Glasgow
Ah Gwendy I am so sorry. It must be so difficult for you. Virtual hugs.

Aisling xx
Thank u Aisling, and everyone. Yes, it is very hard that I'm here again, facing the same outcome through very different circumstances. My mum was soooo on the ball, mentally. Her body let her down. She carried so much, with dad,even when she knew she was terminally ill. Further down the line now, I've never missed her so much, she would have known what to do about dad, and probably would have ran the care home by now!! I'll take your hug, thank u, I need it!! Strength, to all who need it-that'll be everyone here. X


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sky90

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
44
Eastsussex
Hey Gwendy1 before we knew about my mum's dementia one day we were on holiday and she said ' I must ring dad and see if he's had dinner ' which I replied mum grandad isn't at home anymore he died about 2 years ago. She broke down crying as if she just found out. It was the worse thing Iv ever seen and since then I have never said that to her again. If she ask me to make him a cup of tea I reply saying he's just had one. That seem's to help her. It's such a sad thing to experience. I love my mum so much and seeing her like that broke my heart. I hope you and your dad are doing well x
 

Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
414
Glasgow
Hi Red, how lovely to hear from you❤️. I'm doing ok. Dad finished antibiotics Friday, chest still rattling away. Had a bizarre visit today, he was speaking again- really 'with it'. I was so excited I took my partner up a few hours later, but it had passed and poor dad was staring again well, you know...I'm just trying to enjoy the 'good' bits, and stop crying at the rest. I hope you're coping? Letting yourself grieve is important, I think. Sending you a massive hug❤️X


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Red66

Registered User
Feb 29, 2016
363
Hi Red, how lovely to hear from you❤️. I'm doing ok. Dad finished antibiotics Friday, chest still rattling away. Had a bizarre visit today, he was speaking again- really 'with it'. I was so excited I took my partner up a few hours later, but it had passed and poor dad was staring again well, you know...I'm just trying to enjoy the 'good' bits, and stop crying at the rest. I hope you're coping? Letting yourself grieve is important, I think. Sending you a massive hug❤️X


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Dementia really is 'weird'! It's hard to get your head around the ups and downs, it's not even day by day it's throughout the day isn't it hour by hour . I used to explain things to my brother (who lives 200 miles away) that he was really bad that day and then when they would visit he would seem a little better than I thought earlier on. Then I would feel a fool as it was if I making him out to be worse than he really was. But that wasn't the case. It's so hard to watch all the chest infections and to listen to them too, just awful to see them struggling! Stay strong, you are doing a brilliant job stepping up. Your Mum would have been so proud of you. Plain to see (hear) that you are a loving daughter xx
 

Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
414
Glasgow
Thank you, Red❤️..Just left dad, his chest sounds dreadful this evening. Told him to cough, he said 'it's not that easy.' How awful. Too frail to cough when you need to nurses said theyd keep a special eye on him tonight. I'll probably go tomorro and he'll be okay again, for now, I'm listening for the phone...X


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Red66

Registered User
Feb 29, 2016
363
Reading your post brings back awful memories Gwendy. I truly sympathise. It's awful. Dad was too frail to cough too, I used to cough so he could see what to do in case he had forgot how to, I think sometimes he had, he had forgot how to spit (out the mucus) so it was likely. Other times you could see he was trying to cough but not even the sound would happen. Dementia does have a laugh with us that's for sure, like you say he could seem much better today, I say that loosely as you know. That anxiety is still there for you though. I have to be honest, now my dad has passed a lot of that anxiety has left me. Now I find that only now I am starting to deal with stuff that happened a long time ago. Grief, it's weird!! I wish your Dad peace but I know how hard that will be for you. Stay strong, you are doing a marvellous job, you must take a break as you must be tired as it will break you if you don't xxxp
 

Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
414
Glasgow
My wee dad is an enigma! Yesterday, choking, blank face. Today, sleeping on and off, but smiling! Yes, smiling at us when we were talking to him. I have no clue, really, what type of 'dementia' dad has. I am so grateful for the smiles that come thru. 'Hells teeth'!!! .. As dad used to say. :)! The mind is a strange thing. Love his wee smile❤️ whatever comes, I'll remember today, and his smile. X


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Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,806
Ireland
My wee dad is an enigma! Yesterday, choking, blank face. Today, sleeping on and off, but smiling! Yes, smiling at us when we were talking to him. I have no clue, really, what type of 'dementia' dad has. I am so grateful for the smiles that come thru. 'Hells teeth'!!! .. As dad used to say. :)! The mind is a strange thing. Love his wee smile❤️ whatever comes, I'll remember today, and his smile. X


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Enjoy the moments Gwendy.

Aisling xxxxxxxx