• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Remembrance Service

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
528
0
Hi all, So today I received an email from the vicar that conducted my dads Funeral Service in February this year it says she is holding a Service of Remembrance to those lost this year and has sent me an invitation. The vicar and I did speak at the time of dads passing and she did say a couple of prayers for me on the telephone as I was so ill. Its not at the church/cemetery where dad is buried along with mum but still very local she says there will be prayers, hymns and each person lost will have their name mentioned also a candle can be lit in their memory. I confess I am not very religious but am so pleased to get the invitation and the opportunity to go as I missed dads funeral because of my hospitalisation with covid 19. I really hope this will help ease some pain in my heart as I have very much struggled because I haven't really forgiven myself for missing dads funeral. I had even thought of contacting her after Christmas to see if there was a chance she could say a prayer at mum and dads grave when the memorial stone gets returned but will be happy to attend the service instead. The email said I was welcome to invite my family and friends so partner will come with me. My daughter has already made plans to visit me in November so won't be attending. I felt I had to forward sister the email to give her the option to attend particularly as dad only had a service at the graveside and not a service in church as my mum did. I do actually dread having to be in the same place as sister because of all the animosity and we haven't spoken in 9 months only email when dads affairs were settled and even then she complained as thought she 'deserved' more of what money dad left but it was divided equally. I hope my sister declines because she did get to go to dads funeral and blatantly invited someone I didn't want there an old neighbour that had been awful to me with sister in my dads home really upsetting dad because of how they behaved towards me. For me will be even worse if she asks this neighbour to attend too although the email does say my friends and family.
I had some good news yesterday in that the doctor in the respiratory clinic has said I can finally come off the blood thinners and that my breathing tests are now normal. I have now been discharged from the clinic so really happy about that. Doctor was unable to bring up the echocardiogram results because of a computer blip but says she will ask the GP to forward a copy of her letter to me which will have the results in.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,262
0
Southampton
Hi all, So today I received an email from the vicar that conducted my dads Funeral Service in February this year it says she is holding a Service of Remembrance to those lost this year and has sent me an invitation. The vicar and I did speak at the time of dads passing and she did say a couple of prayers for me on the telephone as I was so ill. Its not at the church/cemetery where dad is buried along with mum but still very local she says there will be prayers, hymns and each person lost will have their name mentioned also a candle can be lit in their memory. I confess I am not very religious but am so pleased to get the invitation and the opportunity to go as I missed dads funeral because of my hospitalisation with covid 19. I really hope this will help ease some pain in my heart as I have very much struggled because I haven't really forgiven myself for missing dads funeral. I had even thought of contacting her after Christmas to see if there was a chance she could say a prayer at mum and dads grave when the memorial stone gets returned but will be happy to attend the service instead. The email said I was welcome to invite my family and friends so partner will come with me. My daughter has already made plans to visit me in November so won't be attending. I felt I had to forward sister the email to give her the option to attend particularly as dad only had a service at the graveside and not a service in church as my mum did. I do actually dread having to be in the same place as sister because of all the animosity and we haven't spoken in 9 months only email when dads affairs were settled and even then she complained as thought she 'deserved' more of what money dad left but it was divided equally. I hope my sister declines because she did get to go to dads funeral and blatantly invited someone I didn't want there an old neighbour that had been awful to me with sister in my dads home really upsetting dad because of how they behaved towards me. For me will be even worse if she asks this neighbour to attend too although the email does say my friends and family.
I had some good news yesterday in that the doctor in the respiratory clinic has said I can finally come off the blood thinners and that my breathing tests are now normal. I have now been discharged from the clinic so really happy about that. Doctor was unable to bring up the echocardiogram results because of a computer blip but says she will ask the GP to forward a copy of her letter to me which will have the results in.
im so pleased @Wildflowerlady about coming off the thinners and hope the service helps. sounds like a lovely idea especially as numbers have been restricted at funerals.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,363
0
Kent
I hope this service will help you @Wildflowerlady and bring you peace.

Please don`t let your sister`s presence affect your experience otherwise it will be wasted effort.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
528
0
I hope this service will help you @Wildflowerlady and bring you peace.

Please don`t let your sister`s presence affect your experience otherwise it will be wasted effort.
I won't let sister spoil it because as you say would be wasted effort, for me it is a chance to make some amends to myself for missing dads funeral. I don't even know if she will attend as she doesn't appear to go mum and dads grave and as yet she has not replied to the email.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
3,077
0
Dorset
I don’t think you should berate yourself because you couldn’t attend Dad’s funeral, you were with him so much at the end of his life when he needed you and that is what is important. The service sounds a lovely idea and hopefully will help you come to terms with everything.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,704
0
West Hertfordshire
I really wouldnt worry about it too much. Our local vicar does one each year, you sit where you like, with who you like, the service will happen, and at some point, the vicar will read out a list of the names of all the people 'of the parish' who have passed away this year. some will have no one there even.
You dont have to sit with her, or even acknowlege her.
Go for you , take a friend
 

karenbow

Registered User
May 24, 2021
33
0
hi wildflowerlady i think its a wonderful idea that the vicar is holding this service and i think it may help you a great deal especially with not being able to be at your dads funeral through illness - i think you should let your sister decide what she wishes to do regarding the invitation- put your thoughts to the top of your list not hers and go purely for yourself and your dad - all you feel is private to you so let yourself take all the good from the service and i hope it is a lovely service and really helps you x
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,125
0
Could it be a chance to bury some old animosities as well as remembering the departed? It sounds like most of them are rooted in the past.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
528
0
Hi @MartinWL my sister as yet hasn't even acknowledged receipt of the email I sent to her about the Remembrance Service. The vicar sent it to me as she was aware I couldn't attend dads funeral in February and I assume it was my choice as to whether to invite sister to this service. Despite my sister and I no longer having a relationship as we haven't spoken since just before dad passed I felt it was the right thing to offer her the option to attend. My sister was a bit critical of the graveside service in a email to me which I had arranged back then but I thought because of the general covid situation at that time it would be safer. for all concerned. Had I not been so unwell I would have been over covid and through the isolation period by the time of dads funeral, when it was booked I was ok but actually became unwell later that evening and 12 days later admitted to hospital. I caught covid from my dad even though I wore PPE as I spent several hours with him over the weekend before he died on the Tuesday. We didn't know dad had a positive test until day before he died but I had already been in his room that Monday before I was told. My sister hadn't been in dads room at the CH for 4/5 days. My sister was really nasty said it was my own fault I caught covid but how could I have not seen dad for the short few minutes they allowed the day he died. I had probably been exposed to it over the weekend when I hadn't known about his test result no one at the CH did. The vicar was aware my sister and I had some 'issues' as she was able to attend the funera she met her then. The issues we have are from the past and present we hadn't spoken in at least 23-24 years prior to mum s passing despite living pretty close to each other. I was really prepared to start afresh with her when mum died and dad needed us she went along with this and was ok and I thought we had actually become friends. After three years of us doing exactly the same in our care and time for dad I had to change the amount of time I could spend with dad and the times I could visit. This was because my partner now 78 years had ongoing health problems. Partner had a Heart Attack and was also13 years into Parkinson's. My sister turned against me again, I say again because the issue we had years ago was caused by her which she never actually apologised for. I am actually annoyed now that she can't even respond to a perfectly reasonable email but its not a new problem she totally ignores me if she wants to even when it can be to do with dad before and after he passed. I had asked if she would be attending nothing more or less. I'm not entirely surprised she hasn't responded but her arrogance and continuing lack of respect for me and what I did do for dad is still upsetting. My sister actually put me through hell the last 16 months or so of dads life constantly saying I was a unfeeling daughter said I was selfish not putting dad first said I was neglecting dad and not thinking of her either. My sister showed no concern for my partner other than to suggest that I get a carer in for partner in order for me to attend to dad more. Dad had four carer visits daily apart from sister and I. I got all my dads shopping and visited around 4 afternoons weekly, ordered his meals. and took him to hospital and GP visits. I suggested we get some extra help a gardener maybe a cleaner but she wouldn't contemplate it. I now feel all churned up again after a few months peace I thought I was doing the right thing but as usual she has managed to spite me by not replying. My sister doesn't appear go to dads grave there hasn't been one single flower from her since the day of his funeral and the pretty and small cemetery is close to her home. It really feels like now he's gone and he's no longer something she can have a pop at me about she can't even respect him. Our mother is buried in the same plot so no flowers for her either. I really did do my best but it was never enough and she made sure I knew it at every given opportunity.
 
Last edited:

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,125
0
All I can say @Wildflowerlady is that it is very sad when families have fallings out. I have very little family, so perhaps it seems.even more awful to have family and not speak. There are some non- speakers amongst more distant relatives and one cousin who vanished 50 years ago! I try to avoid any such animosities.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,262
0
Southampton
Hi @MartinWL my sister as yet hasn't even acknowledged receipt of the email I sent to her about the Remembrance Service. The vicar sent it to me as she was aware I couldn't attend dads funeral in February and I assume it was my choice as to whether to invite sister to this service. Despite my sister and I no longer having a relationship as we haven't spoken since just before dad passed I felt it was the right thing to offer her the option to attend. My sister was a bit critical of the graveside service in a email to me which I had arranged back then but I thought because of the general covid situation at that time it would be safer. for all concerned. Had I not been so unwell I would have been over covid and through the isolation period by the time of dads funeral, when it was booked I was ok but actually became unwell later that evening and 12 days later admitted to hospital. I caught covid from my dad even though I wore PPE as I spent several hours with him over the weekend before he died on the Tuesday. We didn't know dad had a positive test until day before he died but I had already been in his room that Monday before I was told. My sister hadn't been in dads room at the CH for 4/5 days. My sister was really nasty said it was my own fault I caught covid but how could I have not seen dad for the short few minutes they allowed the day he died. I had probably been exposed to it over the weekend when I hadn't known about his test result no one at the CH did. The vicar was aware my sister and I had some 'issues' as she was able to attend the funera she met her then. The issues we have are from the past and present we hadn't spoken in at least 23-24 years prior to mum s passing despite living pretty close to each other. I was really prepared to start afresh with her when mum died and dad needed us she went along with this and was ok and I thought we had actually become friends. After three years of us doing exactly the same in our care and time for dad I had to change the amount of time I could spend with dad and the times I could visit. This was because my partner now 78 years had ongoing health problems. Partner had a Heart Attack and was also13 years into Parkinson's. My sister turned against me again, I say again because the issue we had years ago was caused by her which she never actually apologised for. I am actually annoyed now that she can't even respond to a perfectly reasonable email but its not a new problem she totally ignores me if she wants to even when it can be to do with dad before and after he passed. I had asked if she would be attending nothing more or less. I'm not entirely surprised she hasn't responded but her arrogance and continuing lack of respect for me and what I did do for dad is still upsetting. My sister actually put me through hell the last 16 months or so of dads life constantly saying I was a unfeeling daughter said I was selfish not putting dad first said I was neglecting dad and not thinking of her either. My sister showed no concern for my partner other than to suggest that I get a carer in for partner in order for me to attend to dad more. Dad had four carer visits daily apart from sister and I. I got all my dads shopping and visited around 4 afternoons weekly, ordered his meals. and took him to hospital and GP visits. I suggested we get some extra help a gardener maybe a cleaner but she wouldn't contemplate it. I now feel all churned up again after a few months peace I thought I was doing the right thing but as usual she has managed to spite me by not replying. My sister doesn't appear go to dads grave there hasn't been one single flower from her since the day of his funeral and the pretty and small cemetery is close to her home. It really feels like now he's gone and he's no longer something she can have a pop at me about she can't even respect him. Our mother is buried in the same plot so no flowers for her either. I really did do my best but it was never enough and she made sure I knew it at every given opportunity.
@Wildflowerlady you dont have to justify anything about your relationship with sister. you were very considerate to invite your sister knowing how much stress you would be if she came. you kept going and probably wore yourself right down. ill with covid and hospitalized and very ill. you have done nothing but try to include her and if she doesnt want to be included so be it. you deserve a life without her nastiness. i hope the service gives you the closure you are looking for
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,262
0
Southampton
All I can say @Wildflowerlady is that it is very sad when families have fallings out. I have very little family, so perhaps it seems.even more awful to have family and not speak. There are some non- speakers amongst more distant relatives and one cousin who vanished 50 years ago! I try to avoid any such animosities.
sometimes @MartinWL not speaking to family members is unavoidable and keeps other family members safe so its not always just a falling out.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
528
0
sometimes @MartinWL not speaking to family members is unavoidable and keeps other family members safe so its not always just a falling out.
Thank you @jennifer1967 I have come to the conclusion that my sister really, really did not want a sibling and she has spent her entire life resenting me. Nothing I could ever do would have been enough in her eyes. I realise now her harsh feelings towards me should only be her problem not mine. I do feel its really quite sad for someone to harbor such feelings when there is actually no genuine reason to be like that . Perhaps in another life we could have been good friends how nice that would have been.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,130
0
Essex
Dear @Wildflowerlady ,

I'm so pleased that you've come off the blood thinners and that you've got an opportunity to remember your dear dad at this service. Yes I am communicating with the eldest of my two brothers and the youngest hasn't communicated since I told him about our brother's family all having Covid (he hasn't contacted our brother either). If you've sent that email to your sister I would leave it at that. I don't go out of my way with my brothers because of the stress and I still avoid certain subjects. I think you've done enough and you deserve a break.

MaNaAk

PS: I have dad's birthday next week and am planning something then.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
528
0
Hi @MaNaAk I'm so pleased to see you have communication with at least one sibling. I was really pleased to come off the blood thinners and be told my breathing is now normal again. It took a long while to recover but feeling good now apart from occasionally having a little cough but nothing to be worried about. I've had my flu jab today in Boots chemist. I tried to book my partner's as well last week but they don't have enough of the vaccine for his age group apparently it's different to mine. I did get his Covid booster booked so he is having that first so back to Boots next week for that. My booster due end of November early December. It was my dad's birthday last month I took some pretty blue/yellow/white silk flowers already set in a pot from a company I've used before and a grave card it did look nice. I am looking forward to the Rememberance Service now will light a candle for my beloved dad but think of my mum too. I don't think sister will turn up now but if she does I'll just cope with it The most important thing is I get to honour my dad's memory in a meaningful way. I do feel something has been missing since dads passing not being at the funeral and his burial had quite a impact on how I have felt the service will be good for me. My partner wasn't able to attend dads funeral either so it will also be a chance for him to say a proper goodbye if that makes any sense. Will think of you next week and hope that your plans in memory of your dads birthday go well.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,130
0
Essex
Dear @Wildflowerlady,

I hope you feel okay after your flu jab and I think this service is very good for you. Yes it's good that I am in contact with one sibling and I am now wondering what's going to happen at Xmas as I think my friend would like to be with me like that last two but then it will be a different Xmas as my kitchen i s a bit small. Anyway the thing is I think you can do without anymore stress from your sister and the same as me. I am just being careful and trying to get my next move to a bought flat rather than a rented flat off the ground. I am planning what to do on dad's birthday as I won't have any pupils that day so I may go out for lunch and have a takeaway in the evening from his favourite Indian restaurant, I remember my brother and I ordering a takeaway from this restaurant on the day dad passed and when we collected it they gave us a free dahl. Dad had been good friends with the restaurant owners for years so they always asked after him. I will also get some flowers for him. The flowers you bought your dad sound beautiful.

MaNaAk
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
528
0
Dear @Wildflowerlady,

I hope you feel okay after your flu jab and I think this service is very good for you. Yes it's good that I am in contact with one sibling and I am now wondering what's going to happen at Xmas as I think my friend would like to be with me like that last two but then it will be a different Xmas as my kitchen i s a bit small. Anyway the thing is I think you can do without anymore stress from your sister and the same as me. I am just being careful and trying to get my next move to a bought flat rather than a rented flat off the ground. I am planning what to do on dad's birthday as I won't have any pupils that day so I may go out for lunch and have a takeaway in the evening from his favourite Indian restaurant, I remember my brother and I ordering a takeaway from this restaurant on the day dad passed and when we collected it they gave us a free dahl. Dad had been good friends with the restaurant owners for years so they always asked after him. I will also get some flowers for him. The flowers you bought your dad sound beautiful.

MaNaAk
Hello @MaNaAk thankfully no reaction from my flu jab from memory I was fine after the one I had last year too. I've now booked my partners as Boots will have the doses for his age group in from the 1st November. I actually managed to get the only available slot left for that day. Partner is going to have his Covid Booster next week at Boots but mine isn't due until end of November early December. I met one of my dads neighbours whilst picking up my little dogs epilepsy medication the other week and she kindly asked how I was doing now. The lady had been aware I was unwell at the time of dads funeral she also said what an absolutely marvelous job my sister and I had done looking after our dad and said how very lucky dad was to have had both of us. I'll admit I'm so glad to have had received some appreciation for what I did from dads neighbour she lived many doors down but likely stuff/gossip gets around. My sister constantly run me down to my face in messages etc but she didn't want people to know she did it she was always putting on her devoted daughter face but being awful to me her only sibling. The lady said she knew I had been going in and out and getting dad up in the mornings and cooking his breakfast helping look after him for a long time prior to the changes I eventually had to make. Lady thought was rather selfish my sister hadn't accepted my partner needed me too. I hope you enjoy your lunch out if that is what you decide the Indian meal meal sounds a good idea too I love a curry especially as the weather is getting chilly now. I can't recall but did I see somewhere is your dads birthday on Wednesday? when ever it is I have you in my thoughts and will keep eye out to see how the flat move goes.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,130
0
Essex
Hello @MaNaAk thankfully no reaction from my flu jab from memory I was fine after the one I had last year too. I've now booked my partners as Boots will have the doses for his age group in from the 1st November. I actually managed to get the only available slot left for that day. Partner is going to have his Covid Booster next week at Boots but mine isn't due until end of November early December. I met one of my dads neighbours whilst picking up my little dogs epilepsy medication the other week and she kindly asked how I was doing now. The lady had been aware I was unwell at the time of dads funeral she also said what an absolutely marvelous job my sister and I had done looking after our dad and said how very lucky dad was to have had both of us. I'll admit I'm so glad to have had received some appreciation for what I did from dads neighbour she lived many doors down but likely stuff/gossip gets around. My sister constantly run me down to my face in messages etc but she didn't want people to know she did it she was always putting on her devoted daughter face but being awful to me her only sibling. The lady said she knew I had been going in and out and getting dad up in the mornings and cooking his breakfast helping look after him for a long time prior to the changes I eventually had to make. Lady thought was rather selfish my sister hadn't accepted my partner needed me too. I hope you enjoy your lunch out if that is what you decide the Indian meal meal sounds a good idea too I love a curry especially as the weather is getting chilly now. I can't recall but did I see somewhere is your dads birthday on Wednesday? when ever it is I have you in my thoughts and will keep eye out to see how the flat move goes.
Dear @Wildflowerlady,

I'm glad the flu jab was okay and that your husband's flu and both your vaccines are okay. It's lovely that you got the appreciation from your dad's neighbours and your parents would have appreciated you as well. In the early stages dad said that said that I probably saved his life and I too had appreciation from the neighbours. It is nearly four years since dad wandered up the road at 4.30 am and he was brought back to a neighbours house.

The neighbours couldn't get me up but they were irritated by my youngest brother who refused to come round. The eldest of my two brothers was prepared to drive two hundred miles. Dad's birthday is on Tuesday and I still think of him and mum.

MaNaAk
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
528
0
My sister has emailed today and said she will not be attending the service she hasn't given a reason why but at least her email was polite.