1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Relocating to be nearer

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Johnny5, Aug 3, 2015.

  1. Johnny5

    Johnny5 Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    8
    Hello,

    I currently live quite far away from my parents, one of who has dementia. I feel like I do my fair share of caring giving the distance but I want to plan for the future as well since this is a degenerative condition.

    Did anyone relocate back to be nearer to their parents in order to help with caring? Did it work out well overall or not? Do you regret it?

    I feel like my life would be less complicated if we lived nearer to one another, but who knows right?!

    Johnny5
     
  2. loveahug

    loveahug Registered User

    Nov 28, 2012
    1,071
    Moved to Leicester
    Hi Johnny

    We have moved 120 miles to be near my mum. It has been a big upheaval and I am working from my new home until the end of the year. It has given me a great deal of peace of mind as I know I can be at mum's bedside in 10 minutes. She is in care but that does not mean I am not concerned for her welfare as they rely heavily on agency staff who do not know her. I know I won't regret the move and my husband, bless him, has been very positive about it all.

    Just a word of warning not to make your parents totally dependent on you or get into too much of a routine, you teach people how to treat you. As the dementia progresses the demands on you will increase and you have to be sure you will be able to increase your input.

    Whatever you decide to do, you will never stop loving or caring.

    Good luck x
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,566
    Female
    Scotland
    Relocation can create issues too. We moved here five years ago so my husband could support his physically handicapped sister. Within two years he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I now have responsibility by default for his sister and himself. I have broached the subject of social work taking over his sister but her communication skills are so poor that so far we havent found a way to make it work.

    What I am trying to say is think through the pros and possible cons before taking a big step.
     
  4. Sooty2

    Sooty2 Registered User

    Jun 1, 2015
    30
    Hi,
    Please really think about this, we moved our MIL to be near us that's been really tough, but I couldn't imagine uprooting my whole life to have moved four hours away to start totally afresh and with the stress weve already had. You ultimately have to make a decision for yourself just give it lots of thought that's what Id say.
     
  5. Tears Falling

    Tears Falling Registered User

    Jul 8, 2013
    637
    I haven't moved to be closer to my parents. We are at opposite ends of the country. My life, work home and friends are where I am right now. I constantly think about moving home. My mum who has dementia if she was able would tell me to stay where I am. My dad who struggles with the everyday looking after may wish I was closer but actually I think would say don't come home unless you want to live in the home city.

    I would suggest you have a chat with your parents and see what they think. You may be able to work that you take a long weekend every month to give them a hand. Or that it maybe ****ible to help them arrange local support to take some of the pressure off.

    Talk first. Weigh up,the options and maybe try other options before you decide.
     
  6. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    I live in London and my mum lives in Somerset. I am an only child and live alone and have a full time job. I do not drive so whenever I go to see my mum I go by train. I have to stay in a B&B and so it is quite expensive. Therefore I don't go very often. I cannot relocate due to my job. My mum is in a care home so she is looked after 24/7. She accepts the situation and this is how it is to be.


    My mum did live near me but 25 years ago she and my dad decided to move to Somerset.
     
  7. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    My answer is that I experienced the reverse of what you're talking about, although not exactly the same situation.

    My mother lived, until her move to the care home in February of this year following a stay in hospital, alone, with no services, 100 miles from me (about a 1.5 hour drive). When it became clear during her hospital stay that she would need to move to a care home, I was persuaded to consider moving her to the city where I live. The social worker at the hospital said that sooner or later I'd need to be closer to her, to take care of things, and I might as well get all the upheaval over with all at once and make my life easier. Since I had been averaging 2-4 visits per month for the past couple of years, I listened.

    Even though it wasn't a very long drive, it is a huge relief not to have to make that drive every single week (although of course, that's exactly what my husband and I have done for months, to clean out her house, but that's another story). I am only 15 minutes away now and yes, it's helpful to be nearer.

    This is not to say that you cannot be a long-distance carer. Many people do it and a great deal of the work I do (phone calls, paperwork, bills, financial management) could certainly be done long-distance. If you are intending to be a hands-on caregiver, then you would need to live closer.

    I will caution you to think long and hard about personally taking on caregiving. My understanding is that in the UK, no one can be forced to do this. While there are many arguments to becoming a primary caregiver, it all depends on the person and the family and the situation. You do need to know, before you start, that caregiving, hands-on or otherwise, can eat up as much time and energy as you give it, and more, if you don't set limits. Have a read in the various threads here to get an idea of what it's like for different types of carers. (I mean this in a non-judgmental way: each of us has to do what works for us and our families.)

    It might also help if you have an idea, before you start, of how much of your time, energy, and money you are willing and able to give to caregiving. Perhaps you have a physical issue (mobility or injury) that would prevent you from lifting someone off the floor or transferring them from a bed to a wheelchair, and so you would need help with that. You might or might not be comfortable handling issues with toileting and incontinence. You may be rubbish at cooking, or hate housecleaning, or unwilling to oversee medications, or a rotten gardener, or maybe you would love doing those chores. Only you can answer those questions.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  8. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    We did it, and although we have no regrets, it was hard.

    We sold up and moved 70 odd miles to help dad look after Mum. Dad was 82 and not in the best of heath himself. Mum had dementia. Like you I was tired with round trip every weekend, and the ''can you come now'' calls, which dad nly made hen he really had to , bless him.

    My darling dad passed away unexpectedly just 6 weeks after we moved, which somewhat moved the goal posts. I became mums full time carer, and I wont pretend it was easy, although easier than being 70 odd miles away, as he really wasn't safe on her own, other than once she was in be, and we did leave her overnight.

    As she became frailer, a terminal heart condition was diagnosed, and after lengthy stay in hospital, she spent her last few weeks beautifully looked after in a nursing home.

    My feeling now? we left it to late. On hindsight we should perhaps have let our house and rented here rather than buy, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

    In the space of just over 2 years we have sold our house and relocated,lost both of them, sold that house and moved to and into mum and dads bungalow, and are in the throes of modernising it, ready to sell and move back. ( OH's home town)

    One thing I did find hard was making new friends- there is really no time to socialise when you full time care. its quite a lonely life both 'then' and now

    Would I do it again? yes. I don't regret it for one moment.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.