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reliving last 16 days of my dad's life every month

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by baileyboo71, Mar 1, 2015.

  1. baileyboo71

    baileyboo71 Registered User

    Oct 10, 2011
    24
    yorkshire
    Hi my dad passed away almost 6 months ago he 1st got rushed into hospital on 1st September and past away on 16th September,on his 1st day there we were told the next 24 hours were critical and they wouldn't resusitate if dad stopped breathing cos of how ill he was with his Alzheimer's but dad pulled through that stage and even managed a few hours in his hospital chair but a few days later mam got a call and we were told to make our way to hospital,dad had developed pneumonia and again the next 24 hours were critical and again dad passed that 24 hours we were hopeful dad would come round but he only managed a hello and the odd opening of his eyes,a couple days later we got another call to get to hospital so we rushed through again,the next day we spoke to dads consultant to arrange to bring dad home and set up a continuing health plan and was told they would set it up right away, we went in to tell dad the good news but 5 minutes later dad stopped breathing but somehow managed to start again within minutes my mam sister and myself stopped with my dad but at 2.30 am he had stopped breathing for the last time,I can't stop reliving the days over every month just want my dad back miss him so much and the guilt is terrible
     
  2. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,588
    I was the same too, my Mam died at home, 1 year ago last week, there was no nurses or doctors in attendance, we brought her home to die.

    I was with Mam constantly until she died, my siblings weren't and consequently I felt tormented with the visual memories.

    Even though Mam died peacefully, even though I had no reason to have regrets about how well I had served her in her years of need.

    Still, the physicality of her death, stayed with me, hung around my every thought.

    I hated what had happened to her, that she had died.
    But I was relieved that she was spared from further suffering and indignity.

    I was relieved to have shared her last moments of life, as she shared my first, but traumatised by the events of death, even when peaceful.

    It haunted me too, it still would, if I looked for the memory...I have to confess...
    my mind looked for and relived the memory almost every day.

    Now it seems I have re-visited the memory often enough for my brain not to need to go into every intricate, painful second.

    Now I look at her photos and don't superimpose the image of her dying.

    I see her life instead of her death.

    I hope you soon move to the place I am in.
    It won't stop the tears and the longing but time will erase the dreadful images and thoughts and your Dad, in all his glory...will emerge again. x
     
  3. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,783
    Salford
    Hard to follow Garnuft's post really it about says it all. My overwhelming memory is walking across a hospital car park at 2 in the morning, slush and melting snow soaking my feet and suddenly realising it was new years eve. In the end it was just me and her everyone else had other commitments. All I can say is like any other broken heart one day it will heal, it'll take time and they'll always be a scar. The living often feel guilt but you did everything you and medical science could it was the way it was destined to be and out of your hands, one day all our turns will come.
    K
     
  4. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    Garnuft, thank you for this comforting description of the reality of loss and dealing with it afterwards.
    This will surely help not only the OP but anyone who is still tormented by the memories of a loved ones death.
    Thank you.
     
  5. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    Yes Gwen-thank you. I'm on here at this early hour because of a bad dream when I could see Pete choking after I fed him before he passed.I too hope those images will go. Thank you for installing some hope in me:)

    Love

    Lyn T XX
     
  6. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    My thanks as well - I can still bring the happenings of seven weeks ago back to mind but try very hard to forget the bad and remember that my lovely husband has been released from pain, wretchedness and frustration, UTI's, chokings and the other many indignities of advanced dementia and move on to memories of happier times past. Hard and I do not always manage it, break down in tears and feel wretched myself. But the immediate agony of losing him has settled now to a persistent ache of loss somewhere in the heart region which I can accommodate now.
     
  7. baileyboo71

    baileyboo71 Registered User

    Oct 10, 2011
    24
    yorkshire
    I'm finding it really hard.was with dad almost every day at hospital.I know I'm not alone with this and there's many more going through the same but when your sat on your own then that's when I do feel alone,so many thoughts go through my head and they just won't stop I long for the day I just see happy times with dad and not relive them last 16 days anymore,my dad was a wonderful man so caring and gentle and have had the best father daughter relationship,think I'll try and write thoughts down of happier times maybe that will help and thank you all for taking time out to reply xx
     
  8. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    Balleyhoo - write down the bad as well - I hope you will find that the good outweighs the bad. It must be so hard for you to come to terms with losing your Dad especially as you had such a close relationship but you saw dementia at its worst and I hope you can find some comfort from the knowledge that he is no longer suffering. Loving thoughts to comfort you during this sad time WIFE
     
  9. nicoise

    nicoise Registered User

    Jun 29, 2010
    1,807
    Garnuft has written so well that even a peaceful death is a traumatic event to have to deal with - the finality of a loss that one dreads is a difficult moment to assimilate in our brains.

    I found a lovely photo of my mum when she was younger, well and happy and put that in several places around my home so that I could use that image to try to override those that seemed to be stuck in my head of those years, months and days of decline and finally death.

    And now it seems to have worked, although it has taken longer than I would have liked, and the rawness of the vivid memory of those final hours is blurred.

    Perhaps that might also help you to banish those painful memories... x
     
  10. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Totally agree with the post above. I had flashbacks of my dads last couple of weeks, with cancer. I felt haunted by the memories. A dear friend suggested i try a photo where he looked happy and whole. It took me 6 months to get thst happy picture in my head but that is now what i see when i think of him. It makes me smile now whem i do. To all in the same position my heart goes out to you. Grief is hard and lonely but its the price of wonderful love in your life. When you finish the first raw grief you find the love is left with you. In the end that is all that means anything. Love quilty
     
  11. DIANE69

    DIANE69 Registered User

    Jan 7, 2014
    45
    wirral
    I can not say anything to help I just have to hope that things will get easier.I try to concentrate on the husband I knew before the illness. I think of him as MY TONY rather than Tony - who I shared with dementia.Sounds silly I know.Tony stayed at home and although I have tried moving the furniture around I still find myself sitting staring at were his hospital bed was and thinking of those final weeks,days hours and moments.I still cry a lot but find that I can also smile when I remember the good times we had.Its my birthday on the 13th a Friday of all days and I am dreading it simply because there will be no card saying Darling Wife.I think that my tears are often for myself rather than my husband as I know he is now free of the torture that dementia inflicted.
     
  12. baileyboo71

    baileyboo71 Registered User

    Oct 10, 2011
    24
    yorkshire
    After a bad couple days last week I felt I had a few "signs" from my dad which I took as him telling me to stop going over his final days.I just miss him and can't get it out my head sometimes that if we had known we weren't going to have dad for much longer we would have taken dad away but with alzheimer's there is no "6 weeks to live" as with other illnesses.I'm just so glad we still had plenty of happy times while dad was ill especially a midweek break I had with my mam and dad to Blackpool which was so full of laughter
     

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