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Relief…sort of

Lherath

New member
Jul 21, 2021
5
0
I just found this site and have profound relief that it’s not just me. I care for my elderly mum (86) who had a mini-stroke last year. She talked non stop before that but now it’s gotten worse. Like someone else posted, now if she isn’t talking, she’s singing, whistling, tapping, slamming doors and cupboards and clomping around the house like a draft horse! I’m required to respond to every shout or demand. I’ve tried reasoning and “fierce conversations “ with her, but nothing works. She argues about EVERYTHING and is so negative I have to leave the house. I am a registered nurse and have a lot of patience but this….! 😵💫 She even follows me into the bathroom! Since I can’t change her…I’m working on changing myself. This is quite the test isn’t it?! 💖
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
17,164
0
67
Toronto, Canada
@Lherath Welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is the perfect place to find information and to vent. Finding out you are not the only one in such a difficult situation is a giant relief.

Yes, dementia is a massive and cruel test of relationships. I'm afraid reasoning, fierce conversations etc won't have much of an effect. I used to respond to my mother with "Oh really?" "How about that" or equally bland comments when she made some of her more interesting comments.

In my opinion, you should use "love lies" in responding, as much as is possible. When my mother said she wanted to visit her long dead parents, I would agree and say "We'll go the day after tomorrow". Rinse and repeat endlessly.

How advanced is your mother's dementia? How is she with activities of daily living - washing herself, making a cup of tea, and so on. Is she still continent?

Getting followed into the bathroom would drive me mad. You are indeed a very patient person.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,524
0
Hi @Lherath , welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You've come to the right place for help support and a general listening ear.
I don't know if this thread will be of any help Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired. I certainly found it useful with my mum, but don't beat yourself up if you don't always succeed as I found it very tricky to always manage it, though it helped when I did. I only saw mum for a couple of times a week before she went into care. I certainly would have found being with her all the time very difficult.
Do you have anyone else coming in to give you a break or are their daycentres nearby your mum could go to. It sounds like you need a proper break to keep your own sanity.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their ideas, but in the meantime have a look round the site. The search bar at the top could be useful for finding threads about similar situations
 

Lherath

New member
Jul 21, 2021
5
0
@Lherath Welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is the perfect place to find information and to vent. Finding out you are not the only one in such a difficult situation is a giant relief.

Yes, dementia is a massive and cruel test of relationships. I'm afraid reasoning, fierce conversations etc won't have much of an effect. I used to respond to my mother with "Oh really?" "How about that" or equally bland comments when she made some of her more interesting comments.

In my opinion, you should use "love lies" in responding, as much as is possible. When my mother said she wanted to visit her long dead parents, I would agree and say "We'll go the day after tomorrow". Rinse and repeat endlessly.

How advanced is your mother's dementia? How is she with activities of daily living - washing herself, making a cup of tea, and so on. Is she still continent?

Getting followed into the bathroom would drive me mad. You are indeed a very patient person.
Her ADLs are beginning to flag. I noticed today that her recliner smells bad. She left the gas burner on on the range yesterday. She is still fairly mobile and attempts to get to ‘exercise’ classes with a neighbor. She has had some bad falls, and recently developed some incontinence (of which I am told every detail)! I have no relief except when she heads to her classes. I often go with my pup for a walk for my quiet. I have always been a very solitary type person. I still work almost full time although recently my hours have been cut back a bit. I’m taking a meditation class but often find any quiet time difficult. She resents it when I take time for myself and at times is very verbal about it. I jokingly call her The Princess and we have a chuckle about it! I may need to enlist help. I need to work 2.5 more years to retirement.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
17,164
0
67
Toronto, Canada
Well, on the bright side, she at least tells you about her incontinence. She could be bundling soiled clothing up and carefully putting it somewhere hidden where the smell could ferment....

It appears to me that you should get in some help. What about daycare? Your mother sounds like a very social person, or at least wants people around her all the time. Is that what her 'exercise' classes are? You might want to start getting a carer in also, saying it's a friend of yours, perhaps. It would be more useful if it's always the same person but I realize that's not how things go. You do need to carve out more time for yourself.
 

Lherath

New member
Jul 21, 2021
5
0
Well, on the bright side, she at least tells you about her incontinence. She could be bundling soiled clothing up and carefully putting it somewhere hidden where the smell could ferment....

It appears to me that you should get in some help. What about daycare? Your mother sounds like a very social person, or at least wants people around her all the time. Is that what her 'exercise' classes are? You might want to start getting a carer in also, saying it's a friend of yours, perhaps. It would be more useful if it's always the same person but I realize that's not how things go. You do need to carve out more time for yourself.
Joanne…thank you for your kind answer. (Mom is talking and sighing loudly as I type this to get my attention…) Yep! I hear every detail of every BM, and all about her fatigue and pain and how her pills all make her sick etc. Every day she reads the mail and complains they ALL want her money! She even keeps speaking after I leave a room… I will look into some in-home care. I have a friend that may be willing to stay for short periods… thank you again for listening. I’ve really needed to know I wasn’t nuts or ‘bad’ for feeling so frustrated…