Relatively new to this - any advice?

Grable

Registered User
May 19, 2015
167
Mum has been on her own for 11 years. Up to January, she went out happily on her own, helped in a community cafe once a week, organised the social programme for a retired people's club, went ballroom dancing once or twice a week .... It was obvious that she was beginning to lose her memory, but it as only a minor inconvenience.

Just after Christmas, she did something to her back that meant she could hardly walk. Since then, her memory's really deteriorated. She can't remember how to use a PIN number, is having a problem with money, doesn't remember to take her painkillers - and I'm not sure how much she's eating, as she's lost a lot of weight lately.

I live 200 miles away and am the head teacher of a language school (just the standard 4 weeks off per year), so can only visit for a weekend every 6 weeks or so (it's hard to get time off, I need the job to keep my own family afloat and my husband isn't well enough to do the journey with me - heart condition and Chron's Disease). My brother lives 8 miles from Mum, and he does what he is able, but he leaves the house for work at 7 in the morning and doesn't get home till 7 at night. His own wife has osteoarthritis, so needs his help at home. He phones regularly, but only sees her once every couple of weeks.

Mum's neighbours are great and keep an eye on her, but we know that we shouldn't put on them too much.

Mum has friends in the area and has lived in her current house for 55 years. I would love to bring her to our town, although our house is rather too small for her to live here. If we rented somewhere nearby, though, she would be unlikely to see my brother or his kids as much as she sees me now - and her friends wouldn't come this far.

I was wondering what thoughts people have on this situation. Does anybody else out there have the distance problem we have? What do you do? There will be a way forward, I know ... I just can't see it yet!
 

Dunkers58

Registered User
Nov 9, 2013
65
Hampshire
Hello Grable, Welcome to TP, you will find there are lots of people on here with similar problems.
Would Mum accept help? Has she had a social services assessment?
If she is starting to have problems with her money would be an idea for you or your brother to apply for POA.
With regards to moving, this may cause more problems. Your Mum has lived where she is for a long time, everything is familiar to her, to move would be potentially very confusing and other than you and your family would not know anyone else.
It is very difficult especially when you are trying to run your own life.
I am sure other will be long with more suggestions and advice.
best wishe
 

Karjo

Registered User
Jan 11, 2012
481
Mum has been on her own for 11 years. Up to January, she went out happily on her own, helped in a community cafe once a week, organised the social programme for a retired people's club, went ballroom dancing once or twice a week .... It was obvious that she was beginning to lose her memory, but it as only a minor inconvenience.

Just after Christmas, she did something to her back that meant she could hardly walk. Since then, her memory's really deteriorated. She can't remember how to use a PIN number, is having a problem with money, doesn't remember to take her painkillers - and I'm not sure how much she's eating, as she's lost a lot of weight lately.

I live 200 miles away and am the head teacher of a language school (just the standard 4 weeks off per year), so can only visit for a weekend every 6 weeks or so (it's hard to get time off, I need the job to keep my own family afloat and my husband isn't well enough to do the journey with me - heart condition and Chron's Disease). My brother lives 8 miles from Mum, and he does what he is able, but he leaves the house for work at 7 in the morning and doesn't get home till 7 at night. His own wife has osteoarthritis, so needs his help at home. He phones regularly, but only sees her once every couple of weeks.

Mum's neighbours are great and keep an eye on her, but we know that we shouldn't put on them too much.

Mum has friends in the area and has lived in her current house for 55 years. I would love to bring her to our town, although our house is rather too small for her to live here. If we rented somewhere nearby, though, she would be unlikely to see my brother or his kids as much as she sees me now - and her friends wouldn't come this far.

I was wondering what thoughts people have on this situation. Does anybody else out there have the distance problem we have? What do you do? There will be a way forward, I know ... I just can't see it yet!
I hate to say it but you and Mum are probably at the start now of a difficult journey. You probably need to make sure P of A is sorted asap. i believe you are still waiting for a diagnosis for your Mum and hopefully if you get this then soon you may get some guidance from the memory clinic. Does anyone go with your Mum to her appoinments, eg her neighbour or is she attending them with your brother or neighbour? i ask because if you are relying on your mum to inform you, you may not get the full facts if her memory is failing.
once P of A is in place, with Mum's agreement, you can hopefully make sure her finaces are safe and sorted. you can also then arrange for carers etc to visit if necessary to help her with medication and meals, until such time as a care home or move nearer to you may be necessary.
If you do consider moving mum nearer to you then I would recommend doing it sooner rather than later as she will find the move difficult once she deteriorates , which will bring about it's own set of problems. You need to do a lot of research re P of A, funding of future care , costs of potential movesetc etc and it is really very very difficult when you need every spare moment just to try and fire fight the daily problems that dementia brings.
 

Grable

Registered User
May 19, 2015
167
Thanks for your messages. I am getting the feeling that a move wouldn't be a good idea for her - she simply doesn't want to move at the moment and there's no forcing her. Her memory clinic appointment was today and my brother was taking her, so I'll know pretty soon what the upshot of that was. Keep the advice coming!
 

patsy56

Registered User
Jan 14, 2015
839
Fife Scotland
Thanks for your messages. I am getting the feeling that a move wouldn't be a good idea for her - she simply doesn't want to move at the moment and there's no forcing her. Her memory clinic appointment was today and my brother was taking her, so I'll know pretty soon what the upshot of that was. Keep the advice coming!
I tried to get mum into a home near me, she refused....so now sis and I have got carers coning in to visit