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Relationships

Clio43

New member
Oct 16, 2021
4
0
78
England
I was my husband’s full time Carer, at home, for seven years. Last year, he died from COVID-19. In the early days of diagnosis, we became friends with another couple, the husband being the carer of the Alzheimer’s sufferer, his wife, who is in the advanced stages of the disease. I have continued to befriend and support the Carer. After years of platonic friendship he and I became ‘more than friends’, I was lonely and missing my husband, he seemed to need an affectionate relationship. The problem is that I’ve come to depend on this relationship (although heaven knows I’m old enough to have known better) and I believe that I love him. He says he loves me. We would not normally be the types disposed towards such a relationship but maybe some of you may understand how these can develop. However, the need for affection and loneliness have played large parts. He (understandably) gets very low in mood, sometimes, and though I try not to be affected, it seems inevitable that I am. I’m confused, depressed and wondering whether I should withdraw from the whole situation. Has anyone had or known of similar circumstances?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,626
0
Kent
It's a difficult one @Clio43 You are free but the person you would like for a partner is not.

Your friendship has been long term and I`m sure when both partners with dementia were living, it was a friendship offering mutual support.

Now it has developed into something more and for all of you this will present a conflict of loyalties.

I don`t think you should withdraw from the whole situation but I do think for the sake of both your consciences you continue to support each other with companionship and valuable friendship for as long as your friend`s wife lives.

Then you will both be able to hold your heads high and enter into the relationship you both would like

Of course this is simply my personal opinion. By posting here, you are obviously in conflict with your own feelings and others may have a different point of view.

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I hope it helps you.
 

Clio43

New member
Oct 16, 2021
4
0
78
England
It's a difficult one @Clio43 You are free but the person you would like for a partner is not.

Your friendship has been long term and I`m sure when both partners with dementia were living, it was a friendship offering mutual support.

Now it has developed into something more and for all of you this will present a conflict of loyalties.

I don`t think you should withdraw from the whole situation but I do think for the sake of both your consciences you continue to support each other with companionship and valuable friendship for as long as your friend`s wife lives.

Then you will both be able to hold your heads high and enter into the relationship you both would like

Of course this is simply my personal opinion. By posting here, you are obviously in conflict with your own feelings and others may have a different point of view.

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I hope it helps you.
Thank you, Sylvia, I’m grateful for your wise response. What you suggest is very much how things used to be - that is supportive friendship alone. Where the difficulty arises is in that my heart has played a trick on me. I’m very very much dependant on him loving and wanting me long term but my feelings are so often dashed down by his apparent inability to recognise them. It’s far too late in life to start behaving like a schoolgirl, I know, but unfortunately, that‘s exactly what I can’t help doing. I do everything I can to be as casual as he so often is. I just wish it hadn’t developed this way but I can’t help wanting assurances. I do sometimes get those assurances then there’s a long wait for the next encouraging sign. I’m so mixed up.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,626
0
Kent
Do you think his loyalty to his wife won`t allow him to express his feelings @Clio43. I think this is how I would hope to be if in a similar position.

Can you be patient? It would be a pity to lose a lovely friendship because you need more. Better what you have now than nothing.



My name is fine. Either is quite acceptable.
 

Old Flopsy

Registered User
Sep 12, 2019
274
0
Hi @Clio43 - I would not withdraw from the relationship- you both need each other in this desperate situation that he is in. He must feel awfully torn between loyalty to his wife, and his feelings for you. Walking away from him would leave you both miserable- and time is not on your side. Settle for what's available- and one day this may change.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,598
0
Victoria, Australia
Thank you, Sylvia, I’m grateful for your wise response. What you suggest is very much how things used to be - that is supportive friendship alone. Where the difficulty arises is in that my heart has played a trick on me. I’m very very much dependant on him loving and wanting me long term but my feelings are so often dashed down by his apparent inability to recognise them. It’s far too late in life to start behaving like a schoolgirl, I know, but unfortunately, that‘s exactly what I can’t help doing. I do everything I can to be as casual as he so often is. I just wish it hadn’t developed this way but I can’t help wanting assurances. I do sometimes get those assurances then there’s a long wait for the next encouraging sign. I’m so mixed up.
I have no judgement one way or another about your relationship with your friend but you said one thing that did concern me.

You say that he is casual and that he doesn’t have the ability to recognise your feelings. These would be raising great big red flags if it were me because it appears that the relationship is rather one sided and therefore dangerous for your own emotional welfare. Often when you are lonely, it is easy to think of intimacy as being something for you that is not the same for him. Maybe it is because he is a carer, maybe your relationship is something that he slipped into because you were there and comfort for him in his own loneliness, maybe the intimate side of your relationship is a convenience for him, knowing that he does not need to make a commitment for the moment.

Yes, you may be madly in love with him but the fact that you are seeking some advice here suggests that you know that there is a flaw in the relationship. Obviously he is not going to be motivated to change anything so it will be up to to sort out your doubts and fears and act on that. Good luck.
 

Clio43

New member
Oct 16, 2021
4
0
78
England
Thank you. I value your thoughts and can recognise that there is probably some truth in what you’ve said.