1. Welcome to Talking Point - an online community for everyone who is affected by dementia. Whether you have dementia or know someone who does, we will be there for you.

    Sign up to join the community, or Log in if you're already a member.

    If you need help using Talking Point, read our Help pages or contact us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk

  2. Hi everyone, Talking Point is back! We’ve updated the software in order to improve security, design, and the way the community works, and introduced some helpful features.

    Find out more

Regret and reflection my journey into Alzeimers

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Sweetsheep, Oct 10, 2017.

  1. Sweetsheep

    Sweetsheep Registered User

    Jan 12, 2017
    65
    So quick update. We received a message from SIL yesterday saying they have been making subtle hints all day and that MIL seemed receptive. This was in fact that she move to where they live. I guess in her head she probably thought in with them...

    So the plan was then devised that they encourage her to go and have a look see and possibly a "trial" ( we have been down this road already and we said absolutely no way, so not sure why this trial thing seems to be appealing to my SIL??) So my husband said well if she is in then she stays. Simple. There will be no coming back out. And this was probably the best way to move forward. But apparently my MIL wanted to discuss with hubby so a conference call was set up.

    Once on the phone my BIL jumped in and started explaining to MIL what the plans would be.......

    And as I had expected she kicked off! Obviously she isn't going to remember any conversations she has had previously in the day! And how on earth my BIL even expected to her to, shows how very little they know her or her condition! So he indignantly said to her "I can't understand why you are getting so emotional about this when we clearly discussed it earlier!"

    My MIL was not happy at all and was becoming very distressed. He just kept winding her up with stupid quips like....." well if you don't want to live closer to us, so be it"!

    Or....this place is costing a Lot of money it's not like we are putting you in some hell hole.....

    Omg. This sounds dreadful....But I actually realised that I have been doing an amazing job with her, just by hearing how awful he was! They don't have a clue! And he was shocked at how she had behaved!

    The cherry on the cake for me this morning was my hubby getting a text saying....

    I am exhausted...i can't believe how upset Mum got last night...its like dealing with a 3 year old... (and here is the clanger.. ..) luckily you guys got to go to work and haven't had to put up with it 24/7.....

    Oh my hat! No clue whatsoever! Somehow it's forgotten that I was actually fitting my full time job into 3.5 days and working all sorts of crazy hours to make sure someone was always around! Then had to come home and take over.....yip it's been a breeze!

    Anyway....great news they have decided to cancel their holiday (hooray!!!) And potentially keep her for a few days longer to convince her to stay on their side. Not sure they will have much joy. She certainly never sounded so keen last night!

    Luckily we have not cancelled her place in the care hone here. I foresee we might be having her here afterall.....who knows. All I know is I have a weekend off with the kids and it's going to be bliss.....

    Funny how she never once said...wow now I know what you guys have been going through.....

    Nope. I guess I will just have to give up on ever getting any sort of acknowledgement for the part i have played in all of this. Make peace and move on. Lesson learnt!

    Now to wait and see what happens in the next few days...hopefully we are still on track for end of the month...
     
  2. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    2,218
    USA
    Sweetsheep, I've just seen this thread, and cannot read and run.

    I'm SO sorry to hear of all the dreadful upset, and how distressed you are. It's terrible.

    I want to emphasize that you are not a bad person, or a bad daughter-in-law, and that you have not failed your MIL or done anything wrong. You are not the bad guy here. The disease is the enemy, not you!

    I have a lot more to say but it will have to wait for more time and a proper keyboard. Please hang in there and do reach out to the numbers posted above if you need a friendly voice on the phone. We are all rooting for you.
     
  3. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    2,218
    USA
    One more thing: the person doing the most care for the PWD is often the person who gets the most abuse from the PWD. It seems to be part of this disease. Many here on TP have experienced this. Have a read of Ann Mac's "So Bizarre" thread for an example of how caring for her MIL, with whom she was close pre-dementia, worked out.
     
  4. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Sweetsheep, I'm afraid I have only just read this - and am very pleased to see the SIL has deigned to cancel her holiday to look after her mother for a little longer.

    As others have said, the main carer is often the person who bears the brunt of the PWD's ire (yes, AnnMac's 'So bizarre' thread is a real eye opener). Please remember that you have done everything possible for your MIL, even at the expense of your own health and marriage. No reasonable person could ask for more (((hugs))).

    Whichever home your MIL ends up in, I really suggest you and your OH make it clear that SIL should be the primary contact. You both need to take some time to look after yourselves and each other, you have done more than enough.

    I am going to hand you the forum stick. Look how lovely and solid it is. See how sharp the point at one end. It is for giving the Guilt Monster a good thumping (although no-one would blame you if you felt tempted to use it on SIL!).
     
  5. DollyBird16

    DollyBird16 Registered User

    Sep 5, 2017
    231
    @Sweetsheep
    Hi I so want to say it ‘yeah’ they are learning.
    Most important i’m so pleased you realise how wonderful you have and are being.

    I have a sil the same, who asked me am I ok, I said do I look ok? er, I backed it up with a rant stating no i’m not.
    No response, Brother just stood back - wimp! They have had their three holidays this year - agh.

    Take care of you i’m In team Sweetsheep. X
     
  6. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    527
    @ Sweetsheep. Your in laws are unbelievable!! Enjoy your weekend off :)
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    4,330
    South coast
    Make sure no-one can contact you over the weekend :cool:
     

Share This Page