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Regret and reflection my journey into Alzeimers

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Sweetsheep, Oct 10, 2017.

  1. Sweetsheep

    Sweetsheep Registered User

    Jan 12, 2017
    So quick update. We received a message from SIL yesterday saying they have been making subtle hints all day and that MIL seemed receptive. This was in fact that she move to where they live. I guess in her head she probably thought in with them...

    So the plan was then devised that they encourage her to go and have a look see and possibly a "trial" ( we have been down this road already and we said absolutely no way, so not sure why this trial thing seems to be appealing to my SIL??) So my husband said well if she is in then she stays. Simple. There will be no coming back out. And this was probably the best way to move forward. But apparently my MIL wanted to discuss with hubby so a conference call was set up.

    Once on the phone my BIL jumped in and started explaining to MIL what the plans would be.......

    And as I had expected she kicked off! Obviously she isn't going to remember any conversations she has had previously in the day! And how on earth my BIL even expected to her to, shows how very little they know her or her condition! So he indignantly said to her "I can't understand why you are getting so emotional about this when we clearly discussed it earlier!"

    My MIL was not happy at all and was becoming very distressed. He just kept winding her up with stupid quips like....." well if you don't want to live closer to us, so be it"!

    Or....this place is costing a Lot of money it's not like we are putting you in some hell hole.....

    Omg. This sounds dreadful....But I actually realised that I have been doing an amazing job with her, just by hearing how awful he was! They don't have a clue! And he was shocked at how she had behaved!

    The cherry on the cake for me this morning was my hubby getting a text saying....

    I am exhausted...i can't believe how upset Mum got last night...its like dealing with a 3 year old... (and here is the clanger.. ..) luckily you guys got to go to work and haven't had to put up with it 24/7.....

    Oh my hat! No clue whatsoever! Somehow it's forgotten that I was actually fitting my full time job into 3.5 days and working all sorts of crazy hours to make sure someone was always around! Then had to come home and take over.....yip it's been a breeze!

    Anyway....great news they have decided to cancel their holiday (hooray!!!) And potentially keep her for a few days longer to convince her to stay on their side. Not sure they will have much joy. She certainly never sounded so keen last night!

    Luckily we have not cancelled her place in the care hone here. I foresee we might be having her here afterall.....who knows. All I know is I have a weekend off with the kids and it's going to be bliss.....

    Funny how she never once said...wow now I know what you guys have been going through.....

    Nope. I guess I will just have to give up on ever getting any sort of acknowledgement for the part i have played in all of this. Make peace and move on. Lesson learnt!

    Now to wait and see what happens in the next few days...hopefully we are still on track for end of the month...
  2. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Sweetsheep, I've just seen this thread, and cannot read and run.

    I'm SO sorry to hear of all the dreadful upset, and how distressed you are. It's terrible.

    I want to emphasize that you are not a bad person, or a bad daughter-in-law, and that you have not failed your MIL or done anything wrong. You are not the bad guy here. The disease is the enemy, not you!

    I have a lot more to say but it will have to wait for more time and a proper keyboard. Please hang in there and do reach out to the numbers posted above if you need a friendly voice on the phone. We are all rooting for you.
  3. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    One more thing: the person doing the most care for the PWD is often the person who gets the most abuse from the PWD. It seems to be part of this disease. Many here on TP have experienced this. Have a read of Ann Mac's "So Bizarre" thread for an example of how caring for her MIL, with whom she was close pre-dementia, worked out.
  4. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Sweetsheep, I'm afraid I have only just read this - and am very pleased to see the SIL has deigned to cancel her holiday to look after her mother for a little longer.

    As others have said, the main carer is often the person who bears the brunt of the PWD's ire (yes, AnnMac's 'So bizarre' thread is a real eye opener). Please remember that you have done everything possible for your MIL, even at the expense of your own health and marriage. No reasonable person could ask for more (((hugs))).

    Whichever home your MIL ends up in, I really suggest you and your OH make it clear that SIL should be the primary contact. You both need to take some time to look after yourselves and each other, you have done more than enough.

    I am going to hand you the forum stick. Look how lovely and solid it is. See how sharp the point at one end. It is for giving the Guilt Monster a good thumping (although no-one would blame you if you felt tempted to use it on SIL!).
  5. DollyBird16

    DollyBird16 Registered User

    Sep 5, 2017
    Greater London
    Hi I so want to say it ‘yeah’ they are learning.
    Most important i’m so pleased you realise how wonderful you have and are being.

    I have a sil the same, who asked me am I ok, I said do I look ok? er, I backed it up with a rant stating no i’m not.
    No response, Brother just stood back - wimp! They have had their three holidays this year - agh.

    Take care of you i’m In team Sweetsheep. X
  6. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    @ Sweetsheep. Your in laws are unbelievable!! Enjoy your weekend off :)
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Make sure no-one can contact you over the weekend :cool:
  8. Sweetsheep

    Sweetsheep Registered User

    Jan 12, 2017
    So 2 weeks on from my last post and a lot has happened! My MIL never did come back to us. She "agreed" (i will use this term loosly) to go and give the care home a try for a few days. It's been just over a week now. Obviously there is no intention of it being a trial and this is probably it for us. It's a permanent move. My SIL has made the decision to have her up there and so we have packed up her things and we will take it up to her when we get to visit.

    It has been an incredibly weird week..i am in mourning but also relieved. I miss her. But I don't. The house feels empty. But it is sometimes nice. My emotions are all over the place. And because my routine has so dramatically changed I have been struggling to get into a new one. I have been late for work even after sleeping more! I know this will come right with time. But for now, it's very odd.

    But here is the thing. On Sunday, my husband and I got to lay in for the first time in absolute ages. It was lovely. We were both snoozing when his phone rang. He answered the call and almost as if a ghost had called, I heard my MIL voice! We both literally shot up. She was mad as a snake, furious. Just very, very angry...

    She demanded to know why my husband hadn't been to visit. He explained that he had been on a business trip all week and that he would only be in her area in 2 weeks time. To be honest the care home told us to leave her for a while to settle in. So we obviously hadn't been up because it hadn't even been a week yet.

    Anyway she was very sarcastic and moody and my husband managed to talk her round. She told him she cries non stop. (The care home says she is very happy and settled??) When he finished the call he said I love you Mum.....to which she replied...do you really? (Sarcastically) to which he replied.....of course you are my Mum....she said yeah right and put the phone down.

    I immediately asked, how did your mum manage to call? We had no idea she could. So we alerted SIL who was also pretty shocked she could call and she called the home. Apparently MIL had a "wobble" (I am assuming a temper tantrum as she did when she lived with us. No amount of consuling helps). So I guess they decided to call my husband...which is odd because we live 350 miles away and my SIL 3 miles away from her.

    So we put it behind us. It was a little unsettling and upsetting. Then on Tuesday night the same thing happens.

    This time she is very upset no one has come to visit. She is insisting she wants a mobile phone and she is saying something is happening but won't or can't say what unless he comes immediately....this upsets my husband to no end.

    So my husband, again away on business calms her down and makes her understand that he is away. Far away and cannot come and see her atm.

    He calls the care home on Wednesday and they say the only way she will calm down is if he speaks to her. So he says, firstly, my sister lives 3 miles away from the home and you have told us all to stay away and have no contact with her until she settles in, yet you allow her to call us when she is upset that we don't visit?Apparently the manager says my MIL is saying we dumped her in there with her bags and have abandoned her.

    Surely this happens with a lot of patients they first get in? How can they not deal with her if it's only been a week? Has my SIL underestimated my MIL and placed her in the wrong place? Is this the way it's supposed to happen?

    The care home manager has admitted that she has totally underestimated my MIL condition. I have been telling everyone for years that she is a lot worse than she makes out. Her hostessing skills are unbelievable. I should know I cared for her for long enough!

    Now I am wondering how long this is going to last. Clearly my MIL is only interested in my husband pacifying her. She said it on the phone. She wants to be near us. We had found the perfect placement for her near our home. But nope, my SIL had to make a point!

    So Now my husband remains incredibly stressed because nothing has changed in his world. He is still away on business getting calls from his Mum miles away, and he cannot to do anything about it.

    He has told the home to phone his sister instead. But they say, all my MIL wants is to speak to him. I am dreading his first visit to be honest.i think She is going to cause a massive scene when he leaves without her.

    She is just too far away for us to visit regularly. Is it common practice for the home to do this in the 1st week?

    It just seems odd? Especially after they told us to allow time to let her settle?
  9. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    Setting aside how terribly behaved towards you and your OH the Sil and Bil have been if this care home was found by them and they had no real insight or understanding of mil stage then possibly the home weren't given a warts and all full appraisal of mil dementia. If they are a long way from you presume that the home did not carry out a full and proper assessment of mil even in hostess mode experienced dementia home would see through that. It sounds to me that they are already out of their depth..you are right it is not unusual for new residents to want to/demand to phone but they should have proven strategies to help her work around and through this initial period not defer to your OH immediately. I don't think she is in the right setting for dementia and sorry but from their reactions already don't think it will improve. However in laws have taken responsibility in my view for finding a suitable home so it is they who mil should phone..be assertive with the home...and it is in laws who should source a more expert placement near them if that's where they want her to be. You have both done more than your bit for now!
  10. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    Surrey, UK
    Hello Sweetsheep

    It takes a long, long time for many PWD to settle into a care home, and these are very early days yet. There are many posts about this topic here on this forum, so you are not alone in this. Meanwhile, your husband needs some strategies to avoid the distress this is causing him - and you, too.

    Firstly, insist that the care home contact SIL when MIL wants to talk. She is the one who wanted MIL near her, she should deal with the fallout. End of. Husband is simply not available due to work, needing a rest, any reason you / he can think of. For his own sanity, he needs to be strong and refuse, consistently, to take her calls.

    Secondly, following care home advice, don't visit her for a good while yet. This seems counter-intuitive, but it does work. Without knowing the details about her condition, it seems likely that, in a few weeks, she will have forgotten about the events leading up to her stay in the home. Logic and reason tend to go out of the window early in the dementia journey - as I'm sure you know already! So take advantage of this and allow time for her to forget the details. Then when you do visit, it will - I hope - be a pleasurable experience for all.

    Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
  11. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    I am so sorry that your nightmare is still continuing :(

    Your husband needs to contact the CH again and emphasise that he often goes away on business, may be in different time zones and there is no time which is convenient to take these calls. I'm afraid he also needs to stop answering them if they do continue! Yes, it will be very tough, but continuing to take the calls sends the message that it is OK really.

    It does sound as if the home is not the right one for MIL. I wish your SIL luck in finding another.
  12. mab

    mab Registered User

    Mar 6, 2010
    I want to say 'NOT YOUR PROBLEM' but I know you will be finding that so harsh.
    Your SIL made the decision and the move. It is now UP TO HER to deal with it. No more stressful calls to your husband, or to yourself. She initiated this... it was obviously going to go pear shaped... bat it straight back into her court... and try so very hard to stay firm, don't give in!
    Sending you strength... you're just too kind ...and boy, is she playing you!!!
  13. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Can you block her number on the phone?
    Otherwise, just dont answer when you know it is her - hard to do, but necessary.
  14. Malalie

    Malalie Registered User

    Sep 1, 2016
    Caller id on your phones and land line?? If he doesn't answer they would be forced to call SIL then.....

    Just when you think you think you're starting to get your lives back........just gets worse really....

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