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Refusing to go to planned grandchild birthday.

AbbyGee

Registered User
Nov 26, 2018
574
0
Portsmouth, South Coast
I sometimes crave the companionship of friends and buddies I can have aimless and fun chat with. Just to get out of these four walls and have a real conversation, no matter how silly and pointless it is. This means going across the road, just a small toddle away, to the local pub where we met over 33 years ago. The pub is also a brilliant place to find someone who 'can do', be it a small plumbing or electrical jobbie etc, or who may like to accept some of the ton of stuff I'm trying to rehome.
The OH is fearful. Unsure. Doubtful, Afraid.
I turn the tables and put on the sad old lady face saying "I'd really like to go but I don't want to go all by myself. I wish you'd come with me ." (Not that nowadays I'd go without him anyway but hey-ho ...)
By bigging up his presence as husband, friend, and protector he seems more amenable to the idea. The OH no longer takes alcohol and so long as he's comfortable when there it gives us a wee break away.
 

Kath610

Registered User
Apr 6, 2022
36
0
Maldon, Essex
My husband has Alzheimer’s - he will often have a temperamental fit before we are due to go somewhere, refuse to get changed, become quite aggressive and say he doesn’t want to go and he isn’t going to. He knows I will be upset and disappointed and couldn’t care less. As a result I have had to (resentfully) cancel, make excuses and miss out too.
He did this recently and I’d had enough. I said fine, you stay at home but I’m going. I did go, had a good time and when I got home I found he was quite calm and rather surprised that I had, in effect, called his bluff. We discussed it and I told him that in future if he doesn’t want to go somewhere - for whatever reason - that’s fine, I’ll go on my own.
And that’s what I have done on a few occasions since. My husband knows that throwing a temper won’t get him anywhere, he will not spoil things for me because I will go without him. I have told him I’d much rather he was there too but I have no problem going to places/events on my own. Often he has changed his mind and come along!
It’s like dealing with a spoilt, demanding child - and it gives me a break too.
 

AbbyGee

Registered User
Nov 26, 2018
574
0
Portsmouth, South Coast
I wish, sometimes, I could go on my own and leave the OH by himself but that's not on the cards. He has no idea where the bathroom is (and needs assistance anyway) and would be likely to leave the house due to separation anxiety. I can't lock him in so it's either both or neither.
 

Kath610

Registered User
Apr 6, 2022
36
0
Maldon, Essex
I’m really sorry to read that and I know it will probably be what happens to me in the future. Is there anyone who could spend a bit of time with your OH? We are lucky in that we have supportive family and friends but we also have access to the clinic where my husband was originally diagnosed - they say I can call them anytime. Do you have something similar?
Very best wishes xx
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
217
0
You are not selfish @Beady !! We all have to find the route which works for us as carers, you are entitled to some sort of life where you can be yourself and enjoy yourself. Every dementia patient has a different experience, every relationship will be affected differently by the disease and there are no right or wrong ways of dealing with this.
 

Korks

Registered User
Nov 11, 2021
11
0
I wish, sometimes, I could go on my own and leave the OH by himself but that's not on the cards. He has no idea where the bathroom is (and needs assistance anyway) and would be likely to leave the house due to separation anxiety. I can't lock him in so it's either both or neither.
I am very much with you, AbbyGee. We are in a very similar situation. Friends tell me I should apply 'tough love', that I give into the OH too easily so he is calling the shots, but I can't force him into gong places where I know he will be unhappy. Unfortunately, we don't have family nearby and I am reluctant to call on the kindness of friends too often, so
I, too, am looking to have help in the house rather than personal care for him as I know that will cause less anxiety all round.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
431
0
The OH is fearful. Unsure. Doubtful, Afraid.
I turn the tables and put on the sad old lady face saying "I'd really like to go but I don't want to go all by myself. I wish you'd come with me ." (Not that nowadays I'd go without him anyway but hey-ho ...)
By bigging up his presence as husband, friend, and protector he seems more amenable to the idea. The OH no longer takes alcohol and so long as he's comfortable when there it gives us a wee break away.
That's such a good idea, @AbbyGee Mum's self esteem and confidence were destroyed by Dementia and there were frequent complaints of feeling useless. It probably does you both a bit of good! You to get out and him to feel needed.
 

Shem56

Registered User
Aug 31, 2020
93
0
I have looked at all the replies here, and feel that I must be selfish. We have been invited to a big birthday party for an old friend and all our friends will be there, but unfortunately my husband doesn't recognize anyone now, he just nods and smiles, and later asks me who it was. He hates noise of any sort - he shouted 'quiet' at me the other day when I was cooking supper. I have arranged to go to the party with my daughter as my plus one, and another daughter is coming to stay with him overnight. He doesn't want to go anywhere except out in the car, but then prefers to stay in the car while I go shopping. It is desperately sad to see a once lively man becoming someone who gazes at the television all day, and barely moves.
Welcome Beady from me too. I do not think you are selfish either. You have made the best arrangements for your hubby and a night out will do you more good than not.
 

Commonpeople22

New member
Jun 22, 2022
7
0
This is interesting...my Mum who has as yet unconfirmed,but very likely, dementia is developing a pattern of being "ill" the night before, or on the day of, a regular local, social engagement we have encouraged her to attend.
She has never previously faked or exaggerated illness, regularly complains about the isolation during lock down, and indeed was very social prior to 2020.
She doesn't get confused or appear to have sensory issues. Probably not much we can do...