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refusing to go to day care now

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Livveywills, Jan 4, 2016.

  1. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    57
    Ahhhhh!

    First day back at day care, we've spent ages preparing mum for it. And she hid upstairs 'looking after the young girls' ( jumpers on clothes rail) refusing to answer the door. She now tells me that she isn't going to go anymore - oh joy - those three days a week are the only thing that keeps me going.

    Two weeks of her being home full time and I'm back at work today,, spent the morning fielding phone calls from her the day care centre and trying to rearrange things with her carer.

    Was so looking forward to today, a chance to not have mum over for dinner, to know she was safe at the day centre rather than having to go in and check on her or answer the multiple stressful not making any sense phone calls.

    I know it's an illness, I know she can't help it, but I just want to scream with frustration I need a break!
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,855
    Female
    Scotland
    If you fill the gap of her not going to the centre then she will look for other ways to get your attention. I am afraid you have to be firm and tell her if she doesn't go then the next step will be either carers in the home or a care home.
     
  3. karen1967

    karen1967 Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    20
    Blackpool
    This doesn't sound good, as we was thinking of sending mum to a day centre. She is doing a good job on my husband not going to work at the minute and asking him to leave his job and we can use her money, but due to this illness she will then complain if we do use her money. its all so hard. My husband was worried in case mum did the same thing and decided not to go once we had organised it. Like you I only want her to go to a day centre so I know she will be safe while we are all out of the house during the day time, but this sad blog has got me wondering what to do for the best, I was thinking of getting a care company in just for half an hour at dinner so we know she is ok and having dinner and her meds. I know we only have piece of mind for that half an hour, but if we leave food and meds it dose not go to plan , as she takes then as soon as she gets down stairs and doesn't eat the food. she has in fact given up over Christmas and just wants to die, she thinks she can go back to her own home so she can starve herself but she lives with us know, and there isn't much chance of that when we do her evening meals.
    They do not mean to be, but they are a worry when they do not do what we know to be right for them.
    I have told my husband we have to be more firm with her and as much as she has a choice we really do need to insist on thing we know are best for her.
    Funny thing just happened while doing this reply, a hospice day centre that mum was going to try months ago has just called to see if we still want to go and try a visit. I have said yes and planned to go tomorrow , I wonder what my husband will say when he comes home, after all its his mum. Cross our fingers every one
     
  4. cat6214

    cat6214 Registered User

    Jan 2, 2016
    10
    Central New Jersey
    #4 cat6214, Jan 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2016
    Make Mom go to day care. Period.

    My dad goes once a week for 5 hours, and I need that time for errands and other activities. I recommend you ask the day care people what Mom likes and doesn't like. My dad says he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like some of the activities, but then he likes other things they do. Try not to become a victim of your mom's dementia. You have a life too.

    I have discovered with Dad that although he has dementia, he can be quite shrewd and manipulative. Wants a lot of attention. As with a 3 year old, there are times when you have to say NO.
     
  5. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    Often a break in care changes things - I do really object to the way day centres close for 2 whole weeks - it really puts people at risk and completely changes routine. Often it is a fear of the unknown - it must be terrible to be forced into going somewhere that we don't know, don't remember, don't have a clue what anyone is talking about - so difficult but a cool, calm, firm and determined approach will overcome - particularly if you go with her.

    My Mum used to have spells of objecting and sometimes it worked to go with her (our transport guys were sooooooooooooooooooooo tolerant) or take her in the car for the first couple of times -

    It was no good cajoling - it was a case of 'this is what is going to happen now' and 'your friends are waiting for you and will be so upset if you don't come' or 'they've cooked lunch, it won't be for long but we need to go now'

    Good luck, don't give in , the minute she is back there she'll be settled again very quickly - I had to do it several times but there is no reasoning just a case of this is what is going to happen.

    keep posting and don't despair!
     
  6. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    57
    That's pretty much what I said, unfortunately I lost my rag and more yelled it down the phone.
     
  7. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    my mum was very determined and very fierce and the threats never worked (and also why she remained in her own home until the end) - she just used to say 'I'm capable of looking after myself (ummmmmm) and I'm not going into a home' end of story and then she would dig her heels in further because she felt threatened. I was always amazed at the things she could remember and I didn't want her to!! In the beginning this would cause an arguement but as with my teenagers I quickly saw the futility of upsetting everyone lol

    I did try it at the beginning but it really didn't work. Friends worked sometimes, a lovely bus journey worked sometimes, a drive in my car worked sometimes (late for work again lol) but to be honest once we'd got her back it wasn't a problem, it was just that first step back or sometimes if a UTI set in.

    In some ways my Ma acted like a toddler but that was 99% fear and anyway I couldn't treat her like a toddler in spite of doing so on some occasions and being tempted to do so on many more!! because she is an adult with 90 years experience behind her and nothing can take that away not even the cruel dementia so my feeling is that a different strategy is needed if at all possible.
     
  8. Louby65

    Louby65 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    620
    Scotland
    Hi Livveywills , my mum goes to a day centre 3 1/2 days a week and I really don't know what I would do without it. Occasionally my mum says she doesn't want to go but I'm afraid I'm quite firm with her and do my best to change the subject and put her jacket on etc . and take her . By the time she gets there and sees the centres carers who make a fuss of her , she's now forgotten . Sometimes I tell a white lie and say I've got to go to work ( even when I'm on hol) just so she knows she can't stay at home. I hope your mum decides that she would like to go to the centre as I believe it has helped tremendously in giving her a routine and perhaps slowing down the effects of this horrible disease that we are all a part of . Good luck . Lou
     
  9. Risa

    Risa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2015
    483
    Essex
    Can understand your frustration Livveywills. My Dad would like Mum to go to day care for a few hours to give him a break. However although she is on anti-anxiety medication, the 3 times he tried day care, she worked herself up so much that he was asked to remove her. Social Services have suggested having a sitter but Dad is concerned that if he went out, what would happen if Mum threw the sitter out of the house or took to the streets herself to look for him? Don't see how a sitter could restrain Mum or refuse to leave the house. Sadly for Dad, Mum won't let him out of her sight and even waits outside the toilet door, she will not be parted from him :(

    Mum doesn't recognise my sister and I as being her children and she gets unhappy if we visit and stay too long (think she gets upset with Dad talking to us). At the end of the month we will have to look after her for over 4 hours whilst Dad attends a speed awareness course. Dreading it already as she is likely to be very challenging :eek:
     
  10. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,035
    Yorkshire
    Hi Livveywills

    each day is a new day - so chalk that one down to experience and don't give yourself a hard time
    maybe just let the whole issue drop - don't mention day care, just let it dissipate (hopefully) from your mum's memory - I found that too much 'warning' or 'preparation' just got dad anxious, it was best to keep things low key as though it was an average day and then when he was ready and the minibus came, just said "how lovely, the bus is here for your day out and your delicious lunch - have a lovely time, I'll see you at tea time" (lots of positive words in a sunny voice) and I'd greet the carer and bus driver like long standing friends so he felt safe with them.
    if he ever said anything negative, I just would not engage as he then fixated - so it was best to ignore or I complimented them on what he enjoyed ie the good lunch he always had
    when the next day centre day arrives just go with the flow as though there has been no blip - might work?

    Hi Karen1967

    it's great that you have taken up the offer - it will give you both a break
    you're right not to be put off - there are blips in any arrangements
    may I just repeat what I wrote above - maybe don't make a big thing of this to your mum-in-law so that she can't build up any negative responses - just have in your mind that it is going to happen and keep your tone of voice and body language positive - I know dad picked up on any anxiety I had - sorry if this is 'teaching how to suck eggs ..'
    fingers crossed for you :)
     
  11. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    520
    Scotland
    Livvywills, I really hope that you can get mum back to day care.

    Hubby used to go to day care once a week but ill health, before dementia, made it impossible for him to continue. Those five hours made such a difference for me - I so wish he could still go there.

    It's a shame that they closed for two weeks - makes it difficult as it seems like starting from scratch. Could you take her the first time in the hope that once she is there it will be familiar and she'll settle in again? I would expect that others will be like your mum and that the staff will be accustomed to making them feel at home after the holiday break.
     
  12. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    57
    I've now negotiated with the carer who does the morning tablets that she will come a little later and stay to let transport for day care in. At least that way there is someone there to firmly encourage her out of the door- really hope it works as I know she enjoyed it previously.

    The problems with mum staying home are endless, wanting constant attention, not being able to feed herself even a simple meal now. THe worry she will wander, the feeling bored and lonely.

    Mum doesn't know I'm her daughter, she is more fond of my husband than me. She asks me why I took on caring for her if I didn't want to do it all of the time. And yet is completley obsessed with me being the one to do everything.

    It'sjust that frustrating vicious circle that dementia is I suppose. Waiting to hear back from a respite home now - I really hope it is nice, and they will take her and that I can get her to go out of the door to it. the thought of a little holiday with my kids is what is keeping me going right now!
     
  13. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    oh my mum was the same livvey sound like twins!! Drove me bonkers but now I'm glad we worked with it :)
    I didn't think of that - our carer was there each morning to see her out of the door and was a natural - very matter of fact, if I ever stayed there was a bit more of a todo. I will keep my fingers crossed.

    We used to tell white lies too - like you have to go because there is aproblem with the heating and i'm not allowed to leave you here but by the time you've had lunch it will all be sorted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh the things we do :)
     
  14. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    57
    Yes, the lies are vital to life :)

    That and my lovely GP saying to me that I just need to accept that no matter what I do I am not going to make mum happy - it's harsh but it's true, she isn't ever going to be happy. If I do lots of preparation about something it give her time to think of an excuse. If I spring things on her there wasn't enough time for her to be comsulted and to be happy with the situation. But what I have to remember is that if I gave up my family, my long suffering husband and children, my job and moved in with her 24 hours a day she would still not be happy ( one of us may also not be alive beyond the first week too:()
     
  15. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    441
    I agree that you have to be firm with her that she is going back, you need some free time. Maybe she has forgotten what it is like over the break. Could someone go with her first time?
    My mum lives only for her lunch club 3 times a week, but it has been closed since 18.12.15, not back till next Monday. She has been disorientated and confused all this time. My SIL will see on to bus on Monday.
     
  16. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    57
    my worry about going with her is that yet again I am picking up the pieces and causing her to be reliant on me again. If the carer can't get her out of the door tomorrow I might see if I can get her there in the car, but mum can be uber manipulative and isn't awfully fond of the bus so might then start to refuse to go in the hope that I will drive her in each day.
     
  17. karen1967

    karen1967 Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    20
    Blackpool
    Hi
    I have worked in a day centre with a dementia unit and we worked under clear guide lines If they say they do not want to do something then that means they do not want to do something. we could asked again if it was an activities we new they liked doing as a rule , we did ask again later because people with dementia may say no then say yes later
     
  18. karen1967

    karen1967 Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    20
    Blackpool
    I do hope it all goes how you want and need it to go
     
  19. karen1967

    karen1967 Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    20
    Blackpool
    I so agree. when I worked in a centre it was rotten we offered, but if some one was playing up( and I do use that wording due to they can and did get nasty and violent if they think they can get away with it) then firm voice not shouting in a way this is what we are doing and that's that.
     
  20. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    If you are going to look after her in the broadest sense then as the dementia increases she will become more reliant on you. The reality is that as all other memory references - time, place, family, the senses - fade away there are certain stable people and events in the lives of people with dementia. Without these they can't make sense of the world. If you can imagine that just one of those things 'disappeared' one day, say 'time', have a think about how much of the structure of your life revolves around time - eating, getting up , going to bed, tv programmes, meeting friends, keeping in contact with people and observing time etiquette - try to imagine how totally lost you would be. That's what happens but a hundred times worse because it isn't just time, imagine if you sense of needing to go for a wee went, but the embarrassment doesn't disappear. These people have spent all their lives caring for others, looking after themselves, holding down jobs, being contributing members of the community and then (seemingly overnight to them) all their power which comes from understanding the world around them and contributing to the lives of others, starts to recede - LOST, that's how my Ma used to speak of it. She used to tell me she was worthless in the early days, she said she didn't know 'how to anything anymore". Dementia doesn't take away feelings and emotions. She did 'cling' because she knew that I would do whatever I could to make her life ok (and that may have involved a very hard decision but fortunately for me and for her that didn't happen although it was a close shave) and it was jolly hard work but she taught me more in the last four years than I have learned in a lifetime and taught my teenagers too who also supported her at times.

    That doesn't mean that you have to look after her or to accept the resentment of caring. There are so many other options - live in carers, daily carers, care homes, supported living (tricky I have only come across one supported living private flat develpment where they cope wonderfully well with mixed clients including dementia and nurse them to the end - but that is a rarity). But she might need your guidance to keep her on track at the moment and you know her better than anyone so only you can decide how to handle it but everyone will support you whatever you decide x

    Sorry I've gone off at a tangent into a bit of a tribute to my Mum !! but your mum will rely on you more because I think you will find that is a natural progression, but that is just my experience.
     

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