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refusing respite

Liz57

Registered User
Dec 22, 2013
184
Apologies. I know this was discussed recently but I can't find the thread.

Mum is self funding so I've no support from SS. I've got to go away for a few days in a month or so and I've found mum a nice care home that, subject to having a bed available, have agreed to take her for respite (with a view to a permanent arrangement, if I'm honest). I know she'll come to love it but when I try to mention it to her, she simply refuses and claims she can manage perfectly well on her own. She can't. She has no concept of the fact that she phones me constantly complaining about being left on her own (sometimes calling literally minutes after I've left her house), hasn't shopped or made herself a meal for many months and needs reminding to take her medication, wash, etc.

There is simply no way I can leave her for a day let alone a few days but if she flatly refuses to go, or to leave the house even, what do I do?
 

Cathy*

Registered User
Jan 4, 2015
42
Warwickshire
Apologies. I know this was discussed recently but I can't find the thread.

Mum is self funding so I've no support from SS. I've got to go away for a few days in a month or so and I've found mum a nice care home that, subject to having a bed available, have agreed to take her for respite (with a view to a permanent arrangement, if I'm honest). I know she'll come to love it but when I try to mention it to her, she simply refuses and claims she can manage perfectly well on her own. She can't. She has no concept of the fact that she phones me constantly complaining about being left on her own (sometimes calling literally minutes after I've left her house), hasn't shopped or made herself a meal for many months and needs reminding to take her medication, wash, etc.

There is simply no way I can leave her for a day let alone a few days but if she flatly refuses to go, or to leave the house even, what do I do?
Can you pay her usual carers to spend the time with her that you normally do? I had arranged for my mum to go into respite for 2 weeks so I could get away but as the time drew nearer she became really poorly and I didn't want to move her. I organised 24 hour care for a few days. It was worth it.
 

mancmum

Registered User
Feb 6, 2012
400
Apologies. I know this was discussed recently but I can't find the thread.

Mum is self funding so I've no support from SS. I've got to go away for a few days in a month or so and I've found mum a nice care home that, subject to having a bed available, have agreed to take her for respite (with a view to a permanent arrangement, if I'm honest). I know she'll come to love it but when I try to mention it to her, she simply refuses and claims she can manage perfectly well on her own. She can't. She has no concept of the fact that she phones me constantly complaining about being left on her own (sometimes calling literally minutes after I've left her house), hasn't shopped or made herself a meal for many months and needs reminding to take her medication, wash, etc.

There is simply no way I can leave her for a day let alone a few days but if she flatly refuses to go, or to leave the house even, what do I do?
I also found a nice care home but they would not agree to take my dad until a few days before we wanted care.
You may be luckier than me but this was fairly standard in my area. No homes offered book able respite.


That sort of restriction made booking a holiday impossible. This time it have organised a holiday but care will be provided in our home by family member and paid cater. Even then I have another family member as second back up. I need this holiday but I need to know he is taken care off
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
Apologies. I know this was discussed recently but I can't find the thread.

Mum is self funding so I've no support from SS. I've got to go away for a few days in a month or so and I've found mum a nice care home that, subject to having a bed available, have agreed to take her for respite (with a view to a permanent arrangement, if I'm honest). I know she'll come to love it but when I try to mention it to her, she simply refuses and claims she can manage perfectly well on her own. She can't. She has no concept of the fact that she phones me constantly complaining about being left on her own (sometimes calling literally minutes after I've left her house), hasn't shopped or made herself a meal for many months and needs reminding to take her medication, wash, etc.

There is simply no way I can leave her for a day let alone a few days but if she flatly refuses to go, or to leave the house even, what do I do?
This is such a difficult problem, Liz, and I do sympathise. I too have found a lovely respite place for mum but she will not go, on the basis that "there's no need". No point in trying to discuss it, she simply doesn't realise how dependent she is on a network of carers and family. I'm glad in a way - who would want to feel they couldn't manage?

I am lucky, though, in that my mum lives in sheltered accommodation and is not mobile enough to go out - so in a way I know she is is less at risk than she might be. And after a year of working at it, we now have carers going in twice a day to make meals, etc.

That's all I can suggest, I'm afraid. Get home carers in for as long as you can each day (even overnight if there's a spare room). And if you can, have someone on standby to pick up the pieces.

I know as I write this, that the above is unlikely to be enough, Liz. So if you have to go away, I'd get on to Social Services to alert them to a possible emergency. And book that respite bed.....I know some people have managed to get some very unwilling loved ones to go, and perhaps one of them will be along soon to explain how they did it!!

Meanwhile.....hugs to you :)

Lindy xx
 

Liz57

Registered User
Dec 22, 2013
184
Can you pay her usual carers to spend the time with her that you normally do? I had arranged for my mum to go into respite for 2 weeks so I could get away but as the time drew nearer she became really poorly and I didn't want to move her. I organised 24 hour care for a few days. It was worth it.
Unfortunately, there are no other carers and no other family members nearby. My trip is to collect my daughter from a work placement which is part of her university course so there's a date she has to leave her flat with all her belongings and she doesn't drive. There just isn't anyone else that can get her back home. A year ago when I took my daughter there, it was a nightmare and mum wasn't nearly as bad as she is now.

Looking after mum is literally killing me so I'd hoped the respite would persuade mum that a care home is a good option for her. She's a sociable person and already has a friend in the one I've found but I need to get her there!
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Hello liz57 if l was in your situation l wouldn't tell her where she is going, just say you are taking her out for the day, when you get there the staff have ways of dealing with her, you must be hard to be kind, good luck
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
2,986
West Hertfordshire
Take her to visit the friend one day.
2nd time, leave her for lunch with the friend
3rd time....jut don't reappear!

Only problem would be if she decides she's not stopping at bedtime.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,891
London
How much would a removal company quote for packing and driving your daughter's belongings and herself home? Would it be more or less than the respite cost and might it be the less stressful option?
 

opaline

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
182
I would try a removal company and your daughter could catch the train? BUT at the same time I would be working on the respite, visiting the friend, etc, as suggested, working towards the long-term care, baby steps, though so it will take a wee while. I would think the removal company would be cheaper than 24 hour care, x
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,218
There comes a time, when you have to do, what you have to do.

Would your mother like a short break in a hotel?

Bod
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Would she listen to 'the doctor says', as in, 'The doctor says you CANNOT stay here on your own.' ? Even if s/he hasn't, but could you get him/her on side?

Sometimes people will do it if 'the doctor says' when they won't for anybody else, esp. if they are from the generation where the doctor used to = God.
 

Liz57

Registered User
Dec 22, 2013
184
Some great ideas on here. I hope some may help you, Liz :) x
Thank you. Yes, I'll speak to the doctor I think.

I'm simply not prepared to abandon my daughter. I know it's not much stuff that has to come back home (TV, suitcases, small fridge and bedding) but it's important to me to be there for her. Similarly to help her move into her new flat when she goes back in September.
 
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Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,617
USA
Liz, I do hope you find a solution. I was intending to post with some suggestions, but others have beaten me to it:

-"the doctor says"

-tell her you are taking her to stay in a nice hotel for a few days while you have to be out of town/the house is painted/they fix the boiler, but the "hotel" is really respite

-et cetera

I certainly understand you wanting to collect your daughter. Don't feel guilty about doing what you need to do, and of course your daughter is important.

At the risk of being interfering, I must note you sound like you really need respite, and maybe not just for a couple of days while you help your daughter.