1. blueyorkie

    blueyorkie Registered User

    Dec 30, 2013
    We are at our wits end. Go cut a long story short. My dad had to go into respite care because my mum could not cope with personal care, the respite home could not cope with personal care and there were issues with that placement, safeguarding etc, staff shortages and inexperienced staff and my mum had to go in and wash and change him! Yes unbelievable! We managed to find a lovely permanent placement, guess what they too cannot cope with him and have called my mum into help. Totally defeats the object. Both homes report refusal, trying to punch staff, verbal and physical agression. They have tried different times, tactics, carers, and are not allowed to perform any type of ethical hold to try to remove clothes. My dad is now wandering around in soiled clothing having been doubly incontinent and won't allow any help. We understand reasons for his refusal, but what else can help? Mild sedation, flash cards? reasonable force, we and they are out of ideas! What if no home can cope? What's next, other than the personal care challenges, his behaviour is reasonable! As you can imagine so stressful for my mum, they are both 70/71. It's devasting the family, concerns a psychiatric ward might be suggested, help!!
  2. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    So sorry to hear about all of this trauma for your Dad, your Mum and of course, you too.

    In truth I think an assessment on a specialised Unit with up-to-the-minute trained staff is what is required.

    I understand the reluctance of staff in a care home, they have strict regulations about the sort of 'restraint' they can use, even verbal persuasion is classed as restraint, they are currently heavily regulated (yes, some will be able to quote instances that prove the exception) but without a strict care plan, where all possible needs have been assessed and the possible restraints required to enable personal care...or indeed the decision that it is too intrusive to provide these restraints (Safeguarding) then things will continue in this half-hearted manner.

    Sedation, physical restraint, verbal persuasion...all classed as restraint.

    I think your Dad needs a full assessment in mental health unit.
    There is no need for you to feels he is stigmatised by this, in fact it will enable him to get the help he needs.

    He must be deeply stressed and miserable.

    Lots of other members have had their loved ones sectioned and it was a pathway to their loved ones receiving the help they desperately needed.

    Please, don't be afraid, though I quite understand your fears but things can't continue as they are, it must be terrible for your Dad, Mum and yourself.

    Very best wishes.
  3. blueyorkie

    blueyorkie Registered User

    Dec 30, 2013
    Thank you for your reply. I agree with all you say as these thoughts have crossed my mind, particularly the sectioning. I know in my mind unless my dad can some how allow himself to be cleaned, I don't see any other option. I can't see it changing in a care home environment. In some ways I feel it would be kinder for staff to take a more robust approach to tend to him quicker rather than leaving him in a mess, stinking and at risk of infections to himself and others. It's an absolute nightmare that we have come to this, I really fear for him and the stress it causes for all concerned. Thank you for the clarity.
  4. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    Hi I just wanted to send you a hug. I know how tough it is and how upsetting it all must be for you. Refusal to keep fresh and clean is quite a common one for people with this disease. I can only echo what has been said that Dad has a proper assessment done in order to get the help he needs as it cant be nice for him either. Good luck. Xx
  5. Aussiedaughter

    Aussiedaughter Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    My father is acting exactly the same

    Your story is so similar to ours... My father has only been in care a couple of weeks and his care home also are struggling to cope with his toileting issues. It's so distressing for everyone, especially mum. He hit one of the nurses a few days ago. It's only over toileting and bathing that he gets aggressive, otherwise he's pretty cooperative and mostly just quiet. The care home staff are lovely but as with your experience don't seem to have any means of coping. Mum is worried that they won't let him stay there longer term.

    We will also follow up with mental assessment I think. Can anyone tell me what are the likely options moving forward if he cannot stay at the care home?
  6. Aussiedaughter

    Aussiedaughter Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015

    Hi there I just wanted to follow up on this as our care home seems to be coping quite well now with Dad. "Quite well" does mean that they require 4 or 5 grown men to hold him down while they clean him and he does have sedatives put in his food from time to time, but at least he is kept clean and is happy in between toileting incidents. I know this sounds harsh but Dad has attacked nurses with a knife, bruised others and is extremely strong for his age (85). Mum had to sign a couple of forms allowing the care home to use physical restraint and to use sedation when necessary. I'm still not totally convinced he will be able to stay there longer term but we are taking it week by week.
  7. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Home Staff

    The home staff, do they wear uniforms?
    Often the elderly because of their upbringing will often obay a uniform rather than the person.

  8. mancmum

    mancmum Registered User

    Feb 6, 2012
    Top of the range care home unable to manage this

    My father spent one week in respite and refused to wash. He was not smelly so they let it go. While he had some shreds of remembering being there he said \"there were women there" [in the showers].... His room was not ensuite.

    Because of this I think I would only now put him somewhere that was ensuite. He doesn't wash regularly at home though. Now I discover that what I am doing would not be permitted. Every 5 minutes....have a shower we've got guests coming, have a shower we are going out....and finally I need you to shower BEFORE you get breakfast.


    When I achieve consent to have a shower he will then have several over a few day period ...sometimes even one at night and one in the morning.

    Going to hospital and needing a shower works quite well.
  9. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    Sorry, but this really bothers me. This kind of extreme physical restraint should have no place in a good care home, no matter what your dad's behaviour is like. If they can't cope without sedating and holding him down, he should be sectioned and offered proper help, which includes tweaking his medication and finding him a home that is specialised in difficult behaviour. This is unacceptable.

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