1. Macduff

    Macduff Registered User

    Feb 16, 2018
    48
    Male
    West Sussex
    My wife has had dementia for 5 years and we've reached a point where I feel I need help, mainly with her personal hygiene. She is exremely grumpy and uncooperative during this process and it's causing quite a bit of friction. I accept that she finds my helping her embarassing and do my best to keep calm. Now my wife is convinced I am going to get a 'stranger' in to help her wash and dress. She says she wil move out if this happens. I'm hoping a health professional can persuade her otherwise. Any comments on what my chances might be?
     
  2. nanafatana

    nanafatana Registered User

    Dec 17, 2017
    44
     
  3. nanafatana

    nanafatana Registered User

    Dec 17, 2017
    44
    Hi Macduff, I have this problem with my Husband. As i have said
    before on TP he is ok letting me help him get dressed buthe get's
    a bit grumpy when it is time to get undressed.Sometimes i say to him
    if he let's me help him we will be able to go to town for a coffee. he can then
    cooperate. At night when he get's awkward it is more difficult.Hope you can
    soon get an answer to this problem.
     
  4. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,468
    Ireland
    I had the same problem, @Macduff , with my husband. He absolutely did not want me helping with dressing, washing or changing his pads. I finally got a male Care Assistant. One thing I would advise is that if you get a Carer in to help, try and insist on them wearing an official "uniform". Not all do, at least not here. A tunic type top and trousers looks very "nurse" like, and my husband responded very well to that.
     
  5. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,917
    Female
    Dundee
    I think it very much depends on the individual. My husband's carers did not wear a uniform as he would not have responded well to that. I'm sure you know your wife best re that @Macduff.

    I know some people on the forum have used the excuse of the carer being a 'home help' until a relationship was built up - the care aspect being gradually introduced.
     
  6. Leswi

    Leswi Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    120
    Bedfordshire
    My mum was the same. She was very reluctant to have outside help. Taking things slowly helped in the end, just having the carer being there to help style her hair, choose nice clothes, chat at the start and building confidence. Having one regular face massively helps too. If you stay in the background n gradually back off that might be a good idea. Some days mum would insist she didn't need help though even months down the line and she just had to be left alone, an experienced carer should be able to judge each situation. Good luck.
     
  7. Macduff

    Macduff Registered User

    Feb 16, 2018
    48
    Male
    West Sussex
    Thank you @nanafatana. Mornings are definitely worse so maybe I'll try the coffee technique.
     
  8. Macduff

    Macduff Registered User

    Feb 16, 2018
    48
    Male
    West Sussex
    Thank you LadyA. I'll take the uniform idea on board. I think its more professional and who knows, if we get that far it might work.
     
  9. Macduff

    Macduff Registered User

    Feb 16, 2018
    48
    Male
    West Sussex
    Thank you Leswi, if I can get her to agree to at least try some care help I'll certainly try the softly softly approach
     
  10. Macduff

    Macduff Registered User

    Feb 16, 2018
    48
    Male
    West Sussex
    Thank you @Izzy now there's a thought.
     
  11. Leswi

    Leswi Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    120
    Bedfordshire
    I forgot to say that we went for non uniform approach but again that's an individual thing, you'll probably know which would work best with your wife.
     
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,621
    Female
    South coast
    You might be better off just organising it and seeing how it goes, rather than waiting until she agrees.
    Most people with dementia will never agree to anything. Her saying that she will move out if you get someone in is just an empty threat, isnt it?
     
  13. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,917
    Female
    Dundee
    That's certainly what we did with my mum. If we'd waited we would never have had Carers. She always referred to them as 'your' home helps. They were never hers!
     
  14. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    846
    I absolutely agree with other posters if you wait for the person with dementia to agree to something you will wait forever.

    With my mother-in-law the default position to any question is always no. She would never have agreed to anything so we just went ahead and organised the care agency . As far as my mother-in-law is concerned she does not have anything wrong with her and therefore does not need any help. Having said that it is still a great problem with trying to get her to wash and bathe but at least we have succeeded in many other areas such as food preparation and housework. Now she sees the carers as simply a normal routine
     
  15. Macduff

    Macduff Registered User

    Feb 16, 2018
    48
    Male
    West Sussex
    Thank you canary. I'm guessing its an empty threat but she is so angry about it and absolutely adamant that she'll go. However your post and others have encouraged me to proceed
     
  16. Macduff

    Macduff Registered User

    Feb 16, 2018
    48
    Male
    West Sussex
    Many thanks for that. Obviously I'm too soft or concerned.My family insist I proceed with getting some help and respite too come to that. Bathing is the biggest problem here too. I'm hoping a care professional can persuade her to have a shower. Hair washing currently takes place at the hairdresser's once every 3 weeks!
     
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,621
    Female
    South coast
    Of course, but would she be actually able to organise somewhere else in order to go?
     
  18. Macduff

    Macduff Registered User

    Feb 16, 2018
    48
    Male
    West Sussex
    No she wouldn't. She thinks her family will take her in but there is only one relative and she would not be able to help. Social services have a duty to help but of course she has to accept a needs assessment first and she doesn't want to do this either. But I'm on the case now and push on.
     

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