1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Refusing care, wants to marry me off to the carers

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by nae sporran, Dec 1, 2017.

  1. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,725
    Male
    Bristol
    It could be quite amusing and endearing in a way. C has decided she is too much for me and I need to get out and find a "pretty little girl" so I can enjoy life. I suppose she is feeling guilty about "being a burden". Of course, tomorrow she will get needy again and will miss me when go out to do the shopping, but that swing is becoming a pattern.
    Now she has refused care from a new carer as she thinks the woman should not have to work so hard. The carer was very good, tried her best and called the office. We got the carers in as C would not let me do any of the personal stuff, now I end up doing it anyway. I can't just leave her on the chair, too many heavy fire doors and the possibility of accidents in the night. What a life we lead.
    I had a massage to relax, that didn't last. :rolleyes:
     
  2. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,478
    Ireland
    Oh dear. What a life, indeed. Would it help if the Carers were introduced gradually, or, didn't attempt any personal care for a week or two, just pottered about maybe doing some dusting, cleaning etc so that C can get used to them being there?
     
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,739
    Yorkshire
    one step forward, two back ....
    any chance of playing on C's good nature eg telling her that if she doesn't let the carer help, then to the agency it looks as though the carer isn't doing her job carefully and may be reprimanded, so if C lets her help, she'll instead get praised and maybe even a raise .... or something worded much better .... or asking if she can practise on C as she's new and C is such a co-operative lady ....
    sorry tired and thought processes on go slow
     
  4. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,839
    N Ireland
    That made me laugh. My wife sometimes says such things to me too. Not that I would be inclined, but, despite what she says, if I were to look at another woman sideways she would have my guts for garters!!:D
     
  5. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    My OH spends so much time on the phone talking to his bridge partner that I have suggested he should move in with her. No such luck! He keeps telling me that she forgets things all the time so she must have Alzheimer's.

    Then I have tried to talk a friend into swapping his 93 year old mother for my OH but he doesn't think she would go for it. And he thinks his wife might object! I can't imagine why!
     
  6. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,738
    Female
    Kent
    Oh, Rob...I hope you get this one sorted. It is never ending isn’t it? You get one thing dealt with and then something else pops up. I guess that’s life.
     
  7. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,501
    Female
    Near Southampton
    #7 Saffie, Dec 2, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2017
    C is such a lovely lady, I can well believe she would want you to enjoy yourself and for the carer not to have to work so hard. Difficult for you though when you know she really needs the help and it is putting extra pressure on you. I think that perhaps Shedrech’s suggestion is the way forward. Maybe say that the carer needs the job and if she doesn’t carry out the tasks for C she will lose it. There again, you have probably tried a similar approach. I’m sorry.
    I’m glad you are seeking out ways to relax a little and hope you somehow find a way of prolonging the effect a little longer. However I know when dementia is involved something will always make it pretty short-lived.
    Very best wishes.
     
  8. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,237
    Female
    Dundee
    I'm sorry things are so hard just now Rob.
     
  9. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,725
    Male
    Bristol
    Thanks for all your replies. I tried all the tricks and she was just not having it, even suggested the carer lied when she wrote her notes in the book. C will accept the other carers, but this was a new one so she may have been trying it on. She was then good as gold while I helped her to bed an hour or so later. Just one of these things, hopefully. :rolleyes:
     
  10. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,478
    London
    Oh Rob, Chrystel is such a lovely lady she is obviously thinking of you, maybe she will let the new carer help once she has been a few times I do hope so nothing is easy is it.
     
  11. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,725
    Male
    Bristol
    Familiar carer tonight, so on good behaviour. :)
     

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