Refusing a carer

[johnchaf43]

Can someone please give me some advice
We are trying to get a private carer in for my mum, who has early dementia, just to pop in, and give her a meal, ,and do a bit of washing for her, because we know that she is not eating properly, we go round there two to three times a week, we have a neighbour who is willing to pop in, but she is adamant that she doesn't want carers, or someone cooking, can anybody give me any advice, how we get through this

 

[Katrine]

She's going to resist an intruder into her home and kitchen. Most women do! Perhaps the carer could bring nice fresh sandwiches. Good food doesn't have to be hot. You'll have to find some excuse for having the carer. Maybe they are on a local training scheme? Could the carer take your mum out for lunch instead? That didn't work with my MIL, but it does work for some people I believe.

We organised a carer to take MIL out for a meal once a week but she enjoyed thwarting the best efforts of a very nice lady that MIL saw as a busybody who deserved to be humiliated. She would refuse food and say she only wanted a cup of tea. Then she sat silently smirking while the lady tried endlessly to engage her in conversation or suggested getting some shopping in. "No thanks, my family help me with all that" was all the response she would give. Not surprisingly the carer gave up after about 6 visits. A gradual process of malnourishment began. MIL would wolf down large meals when with family, but never with strangers, including when she was in hospital, which happened fairly often for other reasons.

If you can get your mum to make friends with her carer, and they can eat together as a social activity (very important) you might succeed in keeping her nourished. You say a neighbour is willing to help. Perhaps the neighbour could invite mum to a meal rather than going in to her kitchen, which I think will be resisted, particularly from a neighbour.

 

[Bikerbeth]

In my Mum’s area they do a hot meal delivery (for reasonable charge) which Mum accepted twice a week and she had just agreed to go to 4 days when I go back to work after Easter. Would that be a viable alternative to a cater. She also agreed to carers coming in twice a week to do housework, although wonders why they are coming in for an hour only on 2 different days but I managed to say that was the only way they could fit her in at the moment. We will see what happens