Refusal to go to a care home

Toni20

New member
Dec 13, 2017
2
0
Mum has severe dementia and lives at home with Dad, who is her main carer. It has got to the point where the crisis team have been called in and a meeting with all the medical professionals has been called where they all agreed it has got to the point that Mum needs to go into a home. However Dad refuses to let her go into a home as he says Mum has said she would kill herself if she were put in a care home. Personally I feel it has got to the stage where Mum needs full time professional care in a safe and stimulating environment, as she wanders off, is very aggressive and agitated and can't communicate, being the main issues. She refuses to go anywhere like the Day Centre and gets very aggressive and shouts at anybody who goes into help them both. It is also having a bad effect on Dad's health. Obviously Dad feels that Mum would carry out her threat and wouldn't want that. I feel caught in the middle between Dad and the medical professionals as I can see both arguments but feel helpless in this situation.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello @Toni20
a warm welcome to TP
not an easy situation for you - torn between your mum's very obvious needs and your dad's fears

it's clear that all the medics involved believe that it is in your mum's best interests to move into full time care, and they don't make that recommendation lightly, much preferring to keep someone in their own home as long as possible - and from your description, your mum needs a team of carers around her to provide for her needs - how on earth your dad is remotely coping I have no idea; no wonder his health is suffering - and poor you, worrying for them both

you know your dad best, but maybe try:
it isn't at all unusual for people to make such threats, but awful as they sound, it is rare for someone to even try to follow them through (how would she be able to?), so it is much more likely that your mum will express her unhappiness at the move but that the staff will be able to see her through and support her to settle - your mum is not 'happy' where she is; even being unhappy in a care home AND having her care needs met would be better than staying at home and waiting for a crisis to happen which forces your dad's arm
what if your dad's health deteriorates and he cannot look after his wife - carer breakdown happens - and then your dad ends up in hospital and his wife in an emergency placement which he might not have chosen - wouldn't it be better to make a move now and choose the care home, then visit her regularly (there are no restrictions on visiting) as her husband and able to relax in her company knowing he doesn't have all the caring tasks
tell him you are so worried about them both and so upset that you can't help more, so having him accept this as a way forward would put your mind at rest and you can then visit them both regularly with so much less worry (my dad would do anything for me, so would have considered this)
might he is worried also about finances - tell him his home is not at all at risk as in any financial assessment it is disregarded - in fact only his wife's finances are taken into account, not his ie her pension and savings and half any joint savings (if under £23250 the Local Authority will at least part pay her fees; over that she is self-funding) - given that the best interest meeting recommended that your mum move into full time care, there won't be any worry about the LA accepting that she needs the move and so funding it if her own finances are low
maybe your dad would agree to a trial period in a home, to see how things go - call it respite so he can gather his thoughts (your mum can just be told she's being treated to a holiday: don't discuss this with her, that will only build up any resistance)

personally, if it's possible for you, I'd start looking at local care homes, have a good chat with the managers and explain the situation, a good one will be able to help you and maybe allay some of your dad's fears - get your mum's name down on few waiting lists ( t's unlikely that a move will happen immediately) then take your dad to visit only 1 or 2 that you find are suitable in the hope that he'll see for himself that the staff will be able to look after his wife
it's a big decision for him to take, and it's tough for an independent man to accept that he cannot alone provide for his wife - maybe he will come round given a bit of time
 
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Toni20

New member
Dec 13, 2017
2
0
Hi Shedrech,

Thanks for your reply which had a lot of good advice. I will definitely start looking at care homes, as you say doing the initial groundwork before taking Dad along. Thanks once again.