Hi, I'm new here. My Mum was diagnosed with mixed dementia last February. (Alzheimer's and vascular). She is hit and miss with her medication so a dosset box was prescribed, that didn't help either so they issued an electronic pill box. She 'lost' it only to be found in her wardrobe and has.today rang her GP saying she doesn't want It. I am personally at the end of my tether as every single time I try to do things to help her she blocks it. I have asked.for her bills to be put in my name as she forgets to pay them but she said no, she refused for me.to have power of attorney, won't be encouraged to have a bath (it's getting on for two years since she did) , she doesn't clean the house, change her bed or cook for herself anymore. I am doing all I can to keep her afloat and out of a care home but I'm so drained as having to constantly battle with her for every single thing. She is resentful of my help and when I took the electronic pill box to her last week , told me she was dying and it was down to me. I know deep down that she can't help it but I have severe depression and anxiety and just don't know how long I can cope with it. Any help or advice would be much appreciated please
Refusal of any help
- Thread starter mand135
- Start date
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @mand135. This is a very supportive community and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
Have you been in contact with your local Social Services as it sounds like things can't carry on as they are much longer and both you and your mother need extra help, even if your mother says she doesn't. It's tricky if you haven't got power of attorney, but it sounds unless something is sorted your mother is in danger of having the gas cut off or similar.
It might be worth having a chat about options here:
Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk
I'm sure others will be along soon with some more advice.
Have you been in contact with your local Social Services as it sounds like things can't carry on as they are much longer and both you and your mother need extra help, even if your mother says she doesn't. It's tricky if you haven't got power of attorney, but it sounds unless something is sorted your mother is in danger of having the gas cut off or similar.
It might be worth having a chat about options here:
Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk
I'm sure others will be along soon with some more advice.
I'm curious as to why you are trying to keep her out of a care home. It seems to me that would be the very best place for her. She's clearly not coping and it sounds like only a matter of time before a big crisis occurs.
Sometimes it takes several people to care for a person with dementia, not just one.
You've done everything you can, it's affecting your health and it isn't working. Please have a re-think about the best way forward. Good luck and take care of yourself.
Sometimes it takes several people to care for a person with dementia, not just one.
You've done everything you can, it's affecting your health and it isn't working. Please have a re-think about the best way forward. Good luck and take care of yourself.
Thank you so much. Her GP called me today to say he has written to Social Services so we will see.
Thank you. I just feel so guilty as she says constantly that she doesn't want to go into a home and tbh, if she took her newly appointed medication on a regular basis I feel things would improve maybe? I just think that she is in the early stages and I want to give her the best chance before I write her off. I don't know, this is all so new to me and I'm just trying to do the best I can but really not sure if I am.
I'm going to be blunt. All the problems you are describing are not indicative of early stages. My mother-in-law had mixed dementia and she was showing the behaviours you're telling this forum about by the time she went into care. As others have said the best place for her is 24/7 supervision. There comes a point when the person with dementia's needs outweigh what they want to happen. You have reached that point
Thank you for being honest. As I say , this is so new to me. It's hard as I've been an emotional crutch to my mother since I was 8 years old. I've always been able to sort out everything for her but now I know out of my depth but the guilt is ridiculous. I must admit I was shocked to hear that her symptoms were severe enough for your mum in law to be admitted to a home . Just shows how naive I am with all of this. Thank you again for your honesty and advice
Hi @mand135 , you have done amazingly well to keep your mum at home as long as you have, but it is coming at a cost, isnt it? You are having to sacrifice your own health in order to do it, but her needs are just getting more and more. There comes a time when it is impossible for one person to do the caring by themself and I think you have reached it. In fact, I think many people would have reached that point some time ago.
I recognise the stage you are at and the behaviour that your mum is displaying. I agree with @Rosettastone57 , this is not early dementia. My mum also moved into a care home when she reached this stage and she was considered to be late middle stage. It is really hard when they do not understand their own limitations and needs. So they refuse the very things that will enable them to stay at home longer.
Please, please, contact social services. You cant continue to put your health at risk and your mum is also suffering as she is not taking her medication properly and is at risk from not paying her bills
I recognise the stage you are at and the behaviour that your mum is displaying. I agree with @Rosettastone57 , this is not early dementia. My mum also moved into a care home when she reached this stage and she was considered to be late middle stage. It is really hard when they do not understand their own limitations and needs. So they refuse the very things that will enable them to stay at home longer.
Please, please, contact social services. You cant continue to put your health at risk and your mum is also suffering as she is not taking her medication properly and is at risk from not paying her bills
This is a very difficult situation for you. I will say what I have just said on another thread, that caring for our parents (particularly the more tricky ones) can for some of us become almost obsessional, to the point that we no longer value ourselves. It is good to see that your mum's GP seems to be supportive and has contacted Social Services. Please let us know how things are going. I never wanted my mum to go into a care home but it really does take a team of people to look after her now.
Just to echo what is said above, when we moved my Mum to a care home - she had started to wander and my Dad, her carer was severely depressed, I worried that she hadn't reached the right stage for a care home.
In fact, I think she had. You try to convince yourself that you can "carry on" a bit longer but the reality is that is isn't safe and the burden on carers is often too great.
My father refused to have any carers visit "no strangers in my house" - so the only real option was a care home. I work and am disabled , so it wasn't really practical for me to care, though I do feel guilty.
Initially Mummy went to the home during the day for a few days a week (we funded this) and then, when we could no longer cope with wandering, risk taking behaviour and incontinence, she went to live there permanently.
My experience is that she settled very well and because she was still mobile and capable of some independence, she settled in better, doing activities, getting to know the staff etc.
She now lives in the dementia unit of the same home. I think the fact that she knows the staff (and they know her) has helped to deal with her agitation and some aggression during personal care as her mixed dementia advances.
In fact, I think she had. You try to convince yourself that you can "carry on" a bit longer but the reality is that is isn't safe and the burden on carers is often too great.
My father refused to have any carers visit "no strangers in my house" - so the only real option was a care home. I work and am disabled , so it wasn't really practical for me to care, though I do feel guilty.
Initially Mummy went to the home during the day for a few days a week (we funded this) and then, when we could no longer cope with wandering, risk taking behaviour and incontinence, she went to live there permanently.
My experience is that she settled very well and because she was still mobile and capable of some independence, she settled in better, doing activities, getting to know the staff etc.
She now lives in the dementia unit of the same home. I think the fact that she knows the staff (and they know her) has helped to deal with her agitation and some aggression during personal care as her mixed dementia advances.
I'm sorry that you were shocked that my mother in law's symptoms were enough for a care home. But to put some context to it , she was living on her own in her own property ...you don't say whether your mum lives with you ...and there were a number of difficulties with her behaviour as well as difficulties with the family relationship and dynamics. My mother in law was self funding and had carers three times a day , but it simply wasn't enough to keep her safe. She was a high falls risk , had refused personal care, her hair hadn't been washed for over three years. She was totally reliant on the carers for all meals and needed prompting even to drink something. As far as she was concerned , she could do everything herself, but the reality was she could little on her own. I had power of attorney as she was incapable of managing her finances. She point blank refused to go into a care home and my husband wasn't prepared to dupe her there. She also refused to go outside , not even to our house. So we waited for a crisis , because we recognised this would eventually come along. She fell ill in the heatwave of 2018 and went into hospital. We arranged for her to go into care and she went straight from hospital to the home , never returning to her own home.
It was the right decision both for her and for us as a family. Both my husband and his sister had been emotionally abused as children and throughout their adult lives. They had made a decision many years ago that they would never under any circumstances provide hands on care for their mother who had been widowed very young. Thats not to say that they didn't make sure she had the care and services she needed. They both realised that they had their own lives to lead . My mother in law needed a whole team looking after her which the care home provided. As others have said, this has gone beyond what just one person can provide.
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