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Recently Diagnosed Mother....Terror or relief

rwmlb1978

Registered User
Mar 4, 2015
7
Hi everyone, i am having real issues dealing with my mothers recent Diagnosis.

We have known for a while that something wasnt right with my mother, after family appeals and many denials, my mother didnt recognise my dad and phoned the police on him, they convinced her to goto hospital. After some traumatic days waiting for a diagnosis we now know she has vascular dementia.

I had a very emotional call from my father to tell me, he had the hideous task of informing all four of his kids, Initially he was seeing it as a very FINAL thing as the doctor advised a carehome because of aggression threatened when my mum didnt recognise my father. He has been guilting himself out over the fact he mentioned this since he saw the doctor.

He wants to do all he can for the woman he loves, but cant do it without help now as his health is suffering.

Where we are now is that for his own peace of mind my father has to try to help her she is most comfortable at home and we are hoping she will settle back into the house better than she is coping with the hospital environment, and hoping also that the extra help is going to be enough for my dad to cope himself. If not, then we will have to think again but he cant go from struggling to care for her with no help to an empty house without at least trying to see if it will work better.

She now has medication for blood pressure, and also an anti depressant which has made her far less manic than she was becoming in the first few days of being in hospital. We fully believe that a fair assessment of my mother would happen in her most comfortable environment not in a hospital which she thinks is tesco with tesco staff keeping her in (she takes great joy in telling people she is never going to tesco again!).

I am very pro active and have kept a game face on in order to keep spirits up for a positive outcome i.e. my mother at home with my dad with all the help they can get to cope with the situation obviously with constant assessment to make sure it is working.

So the hospital now know our standpoint and what we want to happen and i have done all the logistical groundwork for support packages etc we are waiting for the hospital to setup a meeting (MDP) to see what happens next and put our case forward.

Um......

Is there any more advice from anyone for the next things i should be looking into, Carers UK have met with us today and are sorting out a blue badge asap for my dad, and also are ready to go with lots of finance issues etc as soon as we have a go ahead from the hospital to take her home.

So now where do i focus my actions..........?

Any suggestions?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,189
South coast
And to add to cragmaids excellent suggestion - does anyone have POA for your mum?
She should also get disregard for council tax, which (assuming there are just her and your dad living in the house) will result in a 25% discount.

PS - Im very impressed with everything you are sorting out. It sounds like you have got a good grip on it all.
 

Johnno

Registered User
Dec 26, 2013
6
Exmouth, Devon
Hi everyone, i am having real issues dealing with my




I cared for my wife who recently died with Vascular Dementia and Diabetes. I know how difficult it can be for the partner. One has to first accept that you are no longer recognised as the husband and act as only a carer . Also tell people not to refer to you as the husband as that causes upset to the partner. The partner will respond, usually, to a loving carer in a positive way.
The family has to be aware of exactly what the illness leads to and prepare themselves. I now feel cheated that the last years of my wife's life were not spent in a more positive way that she would have enjoyed in the time her dementia was not so acute. The doctors are reluctant to spell it out to you.
If you want to know you should Google "End Stage Vascular Dementia". This tells you what happens when they are at the end of their journey through life.
I believe forwarned is better than ignorance but it is hard to bear.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,049
Yorkshire
Morning rwmlb1978
What a support you are to both your mother and your father :)
You seem to be getting the organisation of a care package well under way - and no doubt have been trawling through the threads here on TP for tips to deal with the legal and practical issues you all now face.
I applaud you for wanting to honour your dad's wish to have his beloved wife at home with him - and hope that it does work out.
I do, though, personally tend to hope for the best but expect the worst - so in that light, maybe start to look for a care home your family would be happy with, just to be prepared.
Having written that - I don't mean that you should rush out NOW and do any such thing - put it on the long list of things to get round to.

What I really want to respond to is this:
i am having real issues dealing with my mothers recent Diagnosis
and
Terror or relief
I recognise those feelings only too well - and know there's a whole host of others milling around.
So, while you are dealing with the practicalities, take some time to allow yourself to breathe and feel - if something gets too much, put it aside, if only for a few minutes, and enjoy a treat; a lovely cuppa and biscuit, a stare out of the window, a walk in the autumn sunshine crunching through the leaves - you get the idea.
The diagnosis itself has not changed who any of you are and what you mean to each other - the relief is that you now have some idea of what you are all facing and can begin to put support in place for ALL of you - the terror is that you now have some idea of what you are facing and the future looks so foggy you can hardly see into it, and so bleak that you hardly want to look further.
So take each day at a time - and find some joy in every day - walk one step at a time and pause to stand and breathe or weep or look around or reach out to take the hand of a loved one or a stranger ..... and sometimes walk away, that's allowed.

warm wishes to you, your mum, your dad and all your family