Recently diagnosed and not accepting any help

Kjr64

New member
Aug 15, 2022
2
0
My nan has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and is refusing to accept this, she says the memory clinic and her GP are wrong. It took so much persuasion and hard work to get her to agree to the memory assessment, and now we have the diagnosis confirmed, she has refused any help of any form on offer. She is deteriorating each month that goes by. It is putting an immense pressure on my mum and me who feel like we are in total free fall with no support. Worried that by the time she accepts it, it may be too late for any help to try and manage things.
Has anyone else had a family member who has refused to accept their diagnosis and if so is there is there any advice?
 

Pacucho

Registered User
Hello,
I am afraid what you describe with your nan is no surprise, as this often happens. The problem is that your nan's Alzheimer's has disabled her ability to be able to comprehend what is happening to her. I learnt this the hard way with my late mum, and trying to use any logic with her was a waste of time.
You have come to the right place to find out more and get support. One of the best guides I have come across here is learning how to communicate: Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired.
Also as your nan's carers you are entitled to get support for yourselves as well as your nan, and your best starting place is to locate your local Carers Centre who can help. There is a lot to take in and I have developed a checklist covering the main issues which you can find here.
Hope this helps,
Paco
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,145
0
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Kjr64 . I'm afraid your nan is unlikely to understand why she needs some help. Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney? If not try to get that organised, as it will allow you and your mum to manage your nan's affairs when she gets to the stage where she is having problems paying bills etc.
I don't know if this would be helpful
You may have to be a bit crafty and use what we call love lies round here to get your nan some extra help. Maybe by saying their are special schemes for people her age, or if you employ a carer to come in that it is a friend of yours that needs a bit of extra money.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their suggestions. You'll find this a very friendly and supportive place.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,920
0
South coast
Im afraid that my mum never accepted her diagnosis and refused all help. I was pulling my hair out and every day there was a new problem, but mum could not be persuaded, so we had to wait for a crisis. She eventually had a TIA and ended up in hospital malnourished and with severe dehydration. She went from there to a care home , which was actually the best thing for her - she thrived there and was happy.
 

Kjr64

New member
Aug 15, 2022
2
0
This is exactly how we feel; like we are just waiting for a total disaster to happen to hopefully make her realise there is something wrong. It’s extremely frustrating, I’m sorry to hear you’ve also been through this. But thank you for the reply, it has been weirdly comforting to know we arnt the only ones with a relative refusing to accept it which is how it has felt recently.
 

Sue741215

Registered User
Oct 18, 2019
408
0
Hello,
I am afraid what you describe with your nan is no surprise, as this often happens. The problem is that your nan's Alzheimer's has disabled her ability to be able to comprehend what is happening to her. I learnt this the hard way with my late mum, and trying to use any logic with her was a waste of time.
You have come to the right place to find out more and get support. One of the best guides I have come across here is learning how to communicate: Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired.
Also as your nan's carers you are entitled to get support for yourselves as well as your nan, and your best starting place is to locate your local Carers Centre who can help. There is a lot to take in and I have developed a checklist covering the main issues which you can find here.
Hope this helps,
Paco
Thanks for checklist - I have saved it for future
 

Debsjanes

New member
Aug 19, 2022
1
0
My nan has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and is refusing to accept this, she says the memory clinic and her GP are wrong. It took so much persuasion and hard work to get her to agree to the memory assessment, and now we have the diagnosis confirmed, she has refused any help of any form on offer. She is deteriorating each month that goes by. It is putting an immense pressure on my mum and me who feel like we are in total free fall with no support. Worried that by the time she accepts it, it may be too late for any help to try and manage things.
Has anyone else had a family member who has refused to accept their diagnosis and if so is there is there any advice?
My father in law has a very recent diagnosis.
We both knew something wasn't right .
A nurse visited and offered him everything we could possibly hope for.
I'm a stroke survive and my husband's work load is ridiculous.
He refused the lot.
Now it's down to us . With my disabilities this will be difficult but there seems no other option.
Frustrating.
 

SERENA50

Registered User
Jan 17, 2018
433
0
Hi

Waiting for acceptance may not ever come and can be stressful for everyone in pursuit of it .

With Dad he is aware something isn't right but beyond that he cannot understand. Unless you know him really well you would not necessarily know something is wrong. That will become increasingly difficult to hide though and take huge effort. Does he need to accept what is wrong? We have accepted it so I suppose not. It would not change how he is and what is happening. He like many many people refuses any sort of outside help. Every time we have a solution he presents a reason or just a straight forward no. You can try different methods and just when you think you have cracked then you go to see Dad and it is back to square one such is the nature of it.

Thing is you cannot force someone to accept help if they have capacity to make their own decisions, with support or not, it is still their choice. I get that bit because it is to protect people but the frustration when you see how different things might be with help not just for that person but for you as a carer as well it is challenging.

So instead try and think about how to support yourselves because that is so important and can give you the extra strength sometimes to tackle things. We have just decided to register formally with the carers hub in Dad's area so then we can get support if we need it and advice. We do not need Dad's permission and the next step will then be an assessment for him. He doesn't have to agree to anything suggested but it documents as a baseline as we go forwards we are hoping this will make it easier along a very difficult road. We will perhaps need his permission for that bit but we don't for ourselves.
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
My father in law has a very recent diagnosis.
We both knew something wasn't right .
A nurse visited and offered him everything we could possibly hope for.
I'm a stroke survive and my husband's work load is ridiculous.
He refused the lot.
Now it's down to us . With my disabilities this will be difficult but there seems no other option.
Frustrating.
Welcome to TP @Debsjanes
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,920
0
South coast
My father in law has a very recent diagnosis.
We both knew something wasn't right .
A nurse visited and offered him everything we could possibly hope for.
I'm a stroke survive and my husband's work load is ridiculous.
He refused the lot.
Now it's down to us . With my disabilities this will be difficult but there seems no other option.
Frustrating.
Hello @Debsjanes and welcome to Talking Point.

Please do not feel that it is up to you to care for your FIL. It is not - the duty of care lies with Social Services, although they may try and persuade you to do it so they dont have to. If you take this on SS will just let you get on with it. Your FIL will not be aware of how much you will be doing for him and will just want more and more. If you are constantly at his beck and call he will not see any reason to get any other support. You cannot further risk your health.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,332
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Debsjanes

I too think you should not get involved with your FILs care. It is his choice to refuse all help offered but if you’re not available to pick up the pieces (risking your own health and sanity) he may change his mind. While ever you’re available to make sure he’s ok he’ll think everything is fine and you’ll be the one to suffer.

My dad did exactly the same when first offered help but I managed to introduce some care as “friends who needed to earn a little pin money”. Do you think this approach might work with your FIL?
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
2,002
0
It’s best not to ask a PWD if s/he wants to have carers in / go to a day centre / go into respite. The answer will invariably be ‘no’ because s/he has no insight into his/her problems and is resistant to any change. It’s frustrating how professionals who are involved with dementia patients don’t appear to see this or suggest ways round this very, very common problem.

You have to be a bit stealthy / creative and put things in place without the PWD’s agreement. If you wait for his/her agreement you will wait for ever. White lies may be necessary. When someone develops dementia then the normal rules of honesty and openness may have to change. Appealing to the PWD’s sense of status (e.g. ‘all middle class ladies have cleaners now’) or compassion (e.g. ‘this poor lady needs a job’) may make the ‘stranger’ more palatable. Some people start with a cleaner to get their PWD used to someone coming to the house and build up from there.
 

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