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poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
what would Mum say if you ask/tell her to have a perm?? or crop her hair??
I would never suggest it because my mum has always been against putting chemicals on hair and also her hair is very short so there would be nothing to crop and she is of mixed race (half black) and so her hair is curly anyway so why perm already curly hair? People assume I straighten my hair because a lot of black women do and I say no I don't. It is naturally straight like my dads. I have my mums hair colour but my dads texture and he was 100% white. If I can be bothered to use the correct hair products my hair can feel like satin after a wash and blow dry. Anyway this is not a hair forum it is a dementia forum so I wont go on about it any longer. I have not spoken to my mum in a couple of days and will not ring her and when she rings me I will just take it from there. Everyone says I look fine as I am, its only my mum and if I tell her what they say she will only say they don't want to hurt my feelings and that is when I realise it is her dementia talking.

Mind you, last night online I saw an article which said, as women get older they should have shorter hair to look younger so hair should be no longer than the chin (bob) to make the face look youthful. I think it depends on the individual because Twiggy still has long hair and she is in her 60s
 
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Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
647
NW UK
Hello poster....

My MiL (Alz) is always going on about my hair too. She hates it.
Like you I have long hair, but its thick wavy.... I love it. In really good condition too.



She made the odd comment 20 + years ago about my hair, but since being diagnosed with Alz,
she has really uppped her game.

My hair of one of the things she is fixated on. I've had her flick it, pull it...
Comments on how she 'hates it hanging there'.... frequently tells me how terrible I look.
Says my hair should not be on my face.... or on my forhead?.... as she cannot see my eyes.
All hair should be off forehead according to MiL.

She loves my SILs (her other DiLs) hair as they have 'pixie cuts', or bobs.

I just tell her, I'm not getting it cut to please her, or I had it cut last week (lie).
I have it cut every 6 weeks, but even if I said to MiL I had it cut yesterday she would comment on what a bad job it was... and put me down even further.

I have thought maybe she is jealous, as I've been out with her ( coffee trips) and had people in shopping queues comment on my long shiny hair.. and ask me what I use.

I tie mine back (when she is having a bad day of insulting my hair), don't like doing it, but its one way to stop her 'temporarily' having a dig.


OOhhh.... she also has days when she is fixated on my weight, and the nasty comments flow.
I've been a size 8 all my adult life (just about), but MIL comments are about seeing me overweight.

She puffs her cheeks out , pats her tummy, and tells me how bloated / fat I look.
I swear, sometimes it is like she is waiting for me react, like she wants an argument.
I tell her she is being rude, and I will not get into a conversation, and walk away.
It is possible that she is jealous of my weight too.....

Then there are days when she has a go about me looking pasty, pale ... and need to wear make up like her other DiLs...

Just to please her... I will go into the bathroom, open cabinet... she can hear what she thinks is me putting on make up... put on clear lip balm.... when I come out Mil will say , OOOOhhh much better.
Reality is, I look no different.


Thing is poster.... if you do cut your hair, your mum will probably find something else to critique.
I'm not saying she will, but if she is anything like my MiL she might.

I'm the 'chosen one'... the DiL who gets all negative comments.
Her other DiLs are perfect, can do no wrong.
 

tigerlady

Registered User
Nov 29, 2015
427
I have only just come across this thread but the simplest solution would be to buy a wig - you dont have to get an expensive one. Chances are if you wore it to see her she wouldnt know who you were, and might be pleased to see you next day with your long hair. However, if she did and was pleased then that would stop that particular disagreement, but she's bound to find another thing to argue about.

Even with long hair you can get a net and push it up into a wig - I lost my hair with chemo but I absolutely refused to go without a wig until it had grown back down to my shoulders. It was necessary for another reason as my hubby was still at home then and on the occasions when I just wore a scarf he didnt know who I was and kept telling me to get out of the house as I wasnt his wife.
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
Sadly I don't think I will be seeing my mum again. I phoned her tonight to see how she was and she mentioned my hair again to me. I told her that I was with a woman same age as me and I asked her what she thought of my hair and whether she thought it should be cut shorter and she said there is nothing wrong with it. A few other people have said the same thing. When I told my mum what this woman said my mum said to me that in her opinion it looks horrible and if I wanted to believe a woman who told me it was fine and did not need cutting then that was up to me but if I am not prepared to get a drastic haircut then I need not bother seeing my mum again because I am an embarrassment to her.

Just to keep thing light, I said ok I will have a chat to my hairdresser and then my mum said but your hair will still be long won't it and I said I will have some of it cut and it will look neater. Then my mum said to me but your hairdresser will say there is nothing wrong with it.

What my mum wants is for me to argue with all the people who tell me my hair looks fine as it is (including my hairdresser) and tell them to cut it short despite what they think.

Should I cut it short to please my mum just because she has told me she never wants to see me again until I do? She also said to me that when I see my hairdresser and she gives me a smarter style then she wants me to send her a photo of what it looks like so that she can approve of it and let me visit. She does not want me to say I have had it done and then turn up and my mum still thinks it looks awful and is left feeling ashamed of me and embarrassed and does not want people where she lives to see me as I am..

I have asked about four people and they all say I should not get my hair cut and that there is nothing wrong with it. My mum says it is not silky or shiny but when I go to the hairdresser she washes it and conditions it and puts a protein treatment on and then just before she blow dries it she puts oil on it and the last time she did that I felt it and it was like satin and remarked that when I do it, it does not feel so soft and she said are you adding oil and I said no so now each time I do my hair I put oil on before I blow dry and it feels as soft and silky as she made it.

I think this is the end of me and my mums relationship now.

If she decides she cannot see me with what she thinks is horrible hair then we will have to go our separate ways and I hope she can live with that. This has to be the worse case of blackmail I have ever encountered.
 
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Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
Sadly I don't think I will be seeing my mum again. I phoned her tonight to see how she was and she mentioned my hair again to me. I told her that I was with a woman same age as me and I asked her what she thought of my hair and whether she thought it should be cut shorter and she said there is nothing wrong with it. A few other people have said the same thing. When I told my mum what this woman said my mum said to me that in her opinion it looks horrible and if I wanted to believe a woman who told me it was fine and did not need cutting then that was up to me but if I am not prepared to get a drastic haircut then I need not bother seeing my mum again because I am an embarrassment to her.

Just to keep thing light, I said ok I will have a chat to my hairdresser and then my mum said but your hair will still be long won't it and I said I will have some of it cut and it will look neater. Then my mum said to me but your hairdresser will say there is nothing wrong with it.

What my mum wants is for me to argue with all the people who tell me my hair looks fine as it is (including my hairdresser) and tell them to cut it short despite what they think.

Should I cut it short to please my mum just because she has told me she never wants to see me again until I do? She also said to me that when I see my hairdresser and she gives me a smarter style then she wants me to send her a photo of what it looks like so that she can approve of it and let me visit. She does not want me to say I have had it done and then turn up and my mum still thinks it looks awful and is left feeling ashamed of me and embarrassed and does not want people where she lives to see me as I am..

I have asked about four people and they all say I should not get my hair cut and that there is nothing wrong with it. My mum says it is not silky or shiny but when I go to the hairdresser she washes it and conditions it and puts a protein treatment on and then just before she blow dries it she puts oil on it and the last time she did that I felt it and it was like satin and remarked that when I do it, it does not feel so soft and she said are you adding oil and I said no so now each time I do my hair I put oil on before I blow dry and it feels as soft and silky as she made it.

I think this is the end of me and my mums relationship now.

If she decides she cannot see me with what she thinks is horrible hair then we will have to go our separate ways and I hope she can live with that. This has to be the worse case of blackmail I have ever encountered.
Oh dear, poster, how upsetting for you. Please remember though that this is primarily the dementia making her act this way, and as others will testify, such fixations are not uncommon.

First of all I think you are absolutely right not to cut your hair. Personally, I wouldn't wear a wig either, but that's up to you.

Secondly, I also think you are right in taking a break from visiting, because if you go and see her as things stand, the atmosphere is likely to be pretty unpleasant and will upset both of you. I don't see any benefit in visiting anyone in those circumstances.

Thirdly, I'd phone the care home manager and explain the situation and see if you can be given regular updates on your mother's health. Maybe you could send your mum a letter or card once a month with your news, just to keep in touch? That way, you don't need to get into an argument via a phone call

Fourthly....this will pass. It may take time for the fixation to fade, but it will, and then you can think about resuming visits. Maybe give it three months and review the situation? The manager may be able to advise if she seems calmer and keen to see you again.

Absence is said to make the heart grow fonder... :)
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
Oh dear, poster, how upsetting for you. Please remember though that this is primarily the dementia making her act this way, and as others will testify, such fixations are not uncommon.

First of all I think you are absolutely right not to cut your hair. Personally, I wouldn't wear a wig either, but that's up to you.

Secondly, I also think you are right in taking a break from visiting, because if you go and see her as things stand, the atmosphere is likely to be pretty unpleasant and will upset both of you. I don't see any benefit in visiting anyone in those circumstances.

Thirdly, I'd phone the care home manager and explain the situation and see if you can be given regular updates on your mother's health. Maybe you could send your mum a letter or card once a month with your news, just to keep in touch? That way, you don't need to get into an argument via a phone call

Fourthly....this will pass. It may take time for the fixation to fade, but it will, and then you can think about resuming visits. Maybe give it three months and review the situation? The manager may be able to advise if she seems calmer and keen to see you again.

Absence is said to make the heart grow fonder... :)
I am going to wait until this passes if it ever does.
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
I am going to wait until this passes if it ever does.
Good for you. Try not to let it get you down.

Your mother's day to day needs are being met by the care home so there's no need to worry about her. She safe, she's warm, she's being fed and cared for, so she's in a much better situation than many others you'll read about on this forum.

The CH will let you know if there are any problems so try not to fret or dwell on it. It will resolve itself given time.
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
Good for you. Try not to let it get you down.

Your mother's day to day needs are being met by the care home so there's no need to worry about her. She safe, she's warm, she's being fed and cared for, so she's in a much better situation than many others you'll read about on this forum.

The CH will let you know if there are any problems so try not to fret or dwell on it. It will resolve itself given time.
Yes thanks for your support.
 
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meme

Registered User
Aug 29, 2011
1,953
London
I think a break is what you need too...your mothers constant whittling away at your self worth must be very painful...dementia or no dementia. Here's hoping you have a good Christmas..
 

cobden28

Registered User
Jan 31, 2012
442
Have you thought also that maybe your Mum grew up, or you were a young child when this was the case, it was the norm for women to wear their hair short?

Mum was born 1931 and I in 1955, and both she and I always had short hair when I was growing up; Mum has never had hair longer than collar-length in her life so maybe like my Mum, yours thinks that women 'ought' to have short hair?
 

Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
647
NW UK
Have you thought also that maybe your Mum grew up, or you were a young child when this was the case, it was the norm for women to wear their hair short?

Mum was born 1931 and I in 1955, and both she and I always had short hair when I was growing up; Mum has never had hair longer than collar-length in her life so maybe like my Mum, yours thinks that women 'ought' to have short hair?


My Dad was born in the 20's (Mum in 30's), and he did not like long hair on anyone.
As kids, my sister and I had to have our hair cut in 'bobs' for years.
When we were teenagers we were 'allowed' slightly longer hair.
When I left home I grew mine.... but dad never really approved.

My MiL , also born in 20's , even comments (a running commentary) on what people look like on TV.
Hair is a big feature in her criticism. She wants me to join in and agree with her.
She really does not like female newsreaders/ weathergirls and has a LOT to say about them.


Poster, I'm sorry your mum is fixated on your hair.... Don't get it cut for her sake.
Have a break from seeing her as you have suggested.
 

meme

Registered User
Aug 29, 2011
1,953
London
I beg to differ..is Anne the princess royal?? her hair hasn't changed for a decade or more and is ageing and old fashioned! or do you mean Kate..who is way too thin and her hair is also old fashioned looking. I keep my hair shoulder length or above...any longer and I feel l am entering bag lady territory!..But..I don't think the issue here is hair at all..it is control and power..
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
I beg to differ..is Anne the princess royal?? her hair hasn't changed for a decade or more and is ageing and old fashioned! or do you mean Kate..who is way too thin and her hair is also old fashioned looking. I keep my hair shoulder length or above...any longer and I feel l am entering bag lady territory!..But..I don't think the issue here is hair at all..it is control and power..
It was simply an attempt at a bit of humour.:rolleyes:

Anne and Kates choices of hairstyles are nobody else's business. My daughter is the same age as Kate and has very similar hair as do her friends.

Personally I think long hair in a glamorous updo looks great on an older lady.

And this is from someone with a short cut who's currently growing the colour out, having decided to embrace the grey :D or as I like to call it, 'silver.'
 
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poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
I have only told a few close friends about this issue with my mum. With other people I pretend everything is ok because I want people to think I have a normal mother/daughter relationship. I am ashamed to admit what is going on and how my mum has told me she doesn't want to see me unless I cut my hair.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,727
To be honest if I had to chose between a relationship with my Ma and my hair I would chose my Ma all the time every time but it is very personal and everyone has to make their own choices and we all respect that xx
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
To be honest if I had to chose between a relationship with my Ma and my hair I would chose my Ma all the time every time but it is very personal and everyone has to make their own choices and we all respect that xx
I wouldn't in these circumstances. Poster's views and self-esteem are every bit as important as her mum's. Especially a mum with dementia who is being totally unreasonable. A break will be good for them both.
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
I wouldn't in these circumstances. Poster's views and self-esteem are every bit as important as her mum's. Especially a mum with dementia who is being totally unreasonable. A break will be good for them both.
I am wondering what good the break will do. As far as I am concerned it will only prevent us from going at each other until another time. We will still have to face the issue.
 

BR_ANA

Registered User
Jun 27, 2012
1,079
Brazil
I am wondering what good the break will do. As far as I am concerned it will only prevent us from going at each other until another time. We will still have to face the issue.
It is a hard Job to be your mother's punchbag. A little break will allow you to recover from that. Maybe you can react to something nasty like I miss you too or I love you too
 
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