1. dotty12

    dotty12 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2013
    19
    It is so reassuring to read the posts here. I was a regular visitor to the forum until my mum died in August last year. I thought life was a struggle then as a carer - up 10 times a night - bla bla bla. What I wouldn't give to go back there now. After the funeral all the siblings fell out, so instead of supporting eachother there was just more pain. I now care for my dad. But I miss my mum so much and thought the grief may be getting easier by now, but just seems more raw....from reading posts here I see this is normal. Mum was 86 and had multiple health difficulties as well as dementia. I cared for her until 3 weeks before she died and then through exhaustion admitted her to a care home after a stay in hospital, she had two falls and then went back to hospital. At this point I was relieved as it was my sons wedding and I thought at least she will be safe for a few days. She had spent the last few months planning what she would wear to her grandson's wedding and I told her and showed her the video of the wedding on the 11th August. This was so hard and I cried so much but felt she would want to know...Mum mustered all her strength, stood up and hugged me, wouldn't let me go and sobbed. The next day the hospital phoned to say mum was 'medically fit' and would I bring in some clothes as she would be going back to the home at 2 p.m. At 1 p.m. they called again to say I needed to go in as she had taken a turn for the worse...I got there 20 minutes too late. I am racked with guilt for telling her about the wedding as I feel this is what she had been living for. Also for putting her in the care home...if I had just known she only had a few weeks left I would have kept her at home.She was my best friend, my charge, my mum. I just wish I could move on which I know she would want me to do.
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,848
    Female
    Scotland
    Oh Dotty, women are so hard on themselves. Can you stand for a minute outside of yourself and see the situation as if your best friend was telling it about her family. At all points you were doing what seemed right and only your Mums unexpected death now makes it seem wrong to you.

    Loving your mother and supporting her was the best thing you could have done and that is what you need to hold in your heart and in your head.
     
  3. leicester61

    leicester61 Registered User

    Aug 26, 2012
    146
    Leicestershire
    Dear Dotty
    I can only say please try not to be so hard on yourself, my mum died in 2012 and nearly 3 yrs on i miss her daily, i cry for her, i pick the phone up to call her, and i spend a lot of time doing the 'if only id done this/that'
    i do now see a councellor as my husband was diagnosed with alzhiemers just after she died and it sometimes feels like im in constant grief mode, but seeing the councellor has helped me massively, i can say what i like, cry, shout, get angry everything and leave it there, it helps me. Maybe it could help you.
    suz xxx
     
  4. lexy

    lexy Registered User

    Nov 24, 2013
    565
    #4 lexy, Jan 28, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2015
    deleted
     
  5. dotty12

    dotty12 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2013
    19
    Thank you all so much. X
     
  6. dotty12

    dotty12 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2013
    19
    How did you manage to move on in daily activities? I am finding it hard to get motivated to do anything at all, except absoloute necessary things. I am putting on a brave happy face for my dad but inside I feel numb. Having said all this, when I read ' imagine this was your best friend telling you this story what would you tell her?...I suppose time starts to heal.
     
  7. Sweet

    Sweet Registered User

    Jun 16, 2014
    72
    Hi Dotty

    My mum only passed away last Friday, I feel comfort from this forum because people express their emotions

    Guilt seems to be a constant one for everyone. I loved my mum without question but I also find my self going down the guilt road. I find my self going over every aspect and questioning whether I should've done this or why didn't I do that.

    I think we'd like it if we wrote a perfect script with all the ends tied up neatly, that probably never happens! I help myself with the sure knowledge that I know my mum loved me and I loved her and that I did my absolute best for her, even though I probably got some bits wrong!
    Take care x
     
  8. Curley25

    Curley25 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2012
    25
    Hi

    Hi Dotty.
    I have not posted on this site for a while but look in now and again.

    My dad passed away over 2 years ago and I still miss him. My mum passed away over 7 years ago and I still miss her. I don't think you ever get over your parents not being here anymore but thats a good thing as it means you are always thinking of them and it helps remembering things they used to do or say, so in a way you are keeping their memory alive.

    This site helped me so much when my dad had to go into a Nursing Home and like you said in your post I felt so guilty as he only lived for 3 months after going into the home. Like you I thought why did we not keep him at home but I know we could'nt as it was no longer safe for him to be there as he needed 24 hr care which we just could not give him.

    You have done the very best you could like we all have.

    It is hard to care for a loved one and we all struggled to cope but we would'nt have changed it for anything as we have all those memories and yes in time you remember all the special things about your loved ones not just the hard times.

    I have struggled since my dad died as all our family fell out over his Will which is a disgrace.
    My dad left his house to my brother as this was his home and all the family agreed with this except one sister, so over 2 years later and it is still not sorted out. The latest is my sister is taking us all to court to try and get the house sold. I wont go into detail about the case but it has been really upsetting with all the lies that have been told. Also my daughter who was my dad's carer took a breakdown after dad died as she did not get to say goodbye to him as she was on holiday, so that had been hard to cope with but thank god she is okay now.

    Take care

    Mary
     
  9. RAINBOWROD

    RAINBOWROD Registered User

    Jan 12, 2012
    11
    Grief and loss

    My beloved wife passed away in August 2014 and I miss her so much. Never a day goes by without me going over in my head with 'what ifs'. I nursed her at home until she fell and broke her hip last Easter. After a period in hospital following a hip replacement the doctors decided that she needed nursing care as she couldn't remember how to walk. She had developed serious bed sores on her heels in hospital which were treated in the nursing home. The prognosis for them healing was virtually nil. n late July she developed an infection and returned to hospital. Within 24 hours I was informed that she wouldn't survive the infection - they did try their best for two weeks. In the end I took the decision for her to be returned to the nursing home where she passed away peacefully 3 weeks later.
    All I can think about is the final seconds of her life and I keep seeing her falling back on her pillow when the end came. I cannot get this image out of my mind. I know she isn't suffering any more but I continue to do so.
     
  10. britlec

    britlec Registered User

    Jan 17, 2013
    36
    Italy
    Dotty I know it's a cliché but time is the only healer. Not that you ever forget or ever stop missing someone you love, especially if you were with them at the end. My mum died in 2005 and I still miss her, still see on the bed she died in, still hear her last words: will you miss me? I also know about guilt. My father had a number of health problems plus dementia with Lewy bodies and I was with him right up until he died at home, nearly two years ago. I loved him so much but towards the end I am ashamed to say I sometimes lost my patience with him and I feel so guilty: I keep thinking I could have done more, I should have said this or that, made sure he knew I loved him. I was worn out but that's no justification. I shall never forgive myself entirely but at the same time I keep telling myself that I did my best. We are just human beings, we are not perfect. A big hug to you and all the others here.
     
  11. Karen22

    Karen22 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2012
    68
    Think what your mum would say to you

    Hello,

    I am so sorry and do understand your upset. My lovely mum died on the 31st August last year after three spells in respite care. I wasn't her full-time carer as I live 100 miles away but I still feel guilty that I couldn't do more for her. You did all you could and your mum would not want you to feel bad about what happened. I'm sure she would be the first one to want you to move on, knowing her love surrounds you.

    My mum always said she would be on my shoulder and I like to think of her there. It is hard at times when I remember what she went to in the months leading up to her death but she was 81 and was ready to go. Your mum made it to the wedding date so she did well and maybe she was ready too. Please be kind to yourself.

    Karen
     
  12. worriedcarer

    worriedcarer Registered User

    Feb 24, 2009
    6
    I am in the exact same place as yourself. My Mum died last June.

    Please stop beating yourself up. I know how you feel and I did the same. Mum's psychiatrist has helped me a lot in telling me I could not have done anymore for my Mum and I am quite sure, from your note, that neither could you have for yours. I am grateful that my Mum didn't end up a vegetable with no control over what was happening for/to her (I have seen that with other daughters dealing with that horror). I miss her dreadfully and still cry for her but I have a strong faith and believe that Mum 'gave up' when she wanted to and is alright with my father now. I just need time to grieve as do you. Give yourself that time and know that your Mum knew how much you loved her but just wanted to pass on.
    Don't feel alone.
    Best wishes.
    Anna
     
  13. stephonia

    stephonia Registered User

    Jan 30, 2015
    4
    caring for A lady Bereaved after 70 yrs Together

    Hi ,I am a Self employed live in carer,,,I cared for A couple for 3 years .Sadly her Husband died three weeks ago in Hospital .She has Mild dementia ,She is constantly waking at night looking for her Beloved Husband ,As they shared A double bed together she feels for him ,When she realises he is Not there she Comes looking for him ,Asking the carer where he is .We have explained he Died when it Happened ,Also she Cried at His Cremation ,So it has Registered he has Passed .Sleep is the Trigger that makes her unsettled ,And causes her to search for Him ,,,Finding the right comforting answers to her Question where is he!!!!! I Find very hard to deal with .I get troubled should I remind her of her Loss ,Or say we Shall find out in the Morning where he has gone .As i am Not there constantly and her only carer, as we change shifts Fortnightly ,I would like to return with some extra Knowledge in dealing with this particular Problem .Does anyone have Any Ideas how to re Assure her at Night .Doctor not Keen on Sleepers due to her Age and Falls .We have Given her A teddy bear to cuddle ,She misses not Holding his Hand ,Thats what wakes her ,,,,,,Thank you
     
  14. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    5,655
    Hampshire
    It is possible to buy "body shape" pillows of different styles (including one with a hand!) - would that be a comfort to have to snuggle up against? Difficult problem, hope you find a solution.
     
  15. jeany123

    jeany123 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2012
    19,049
    Durham
  16. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,588
    Stephonia

    I think it is really a matter of natural reaction to the inconsolable grief she feels at losing her husband of 72 years.

    I know when I experienced the dreadful grief of losing my toddler daughter the only thing that comforted me was the presence of another person.

    I would say that the kindest thing to do is to be there to support, love, comfort her...hold her hand if she needs a hand to hold.

    Her heart and soul are aching, until they heal a little I think extra care and support are needed and should be given.

    I would not keep reminding her if she cannot remember details, I would skip over the details if at all possible, if white lies are a suitable resource I would use them but I would not make the mistake of thinking dementia takes away a person's absolute right for the space to be made for their profound grief at the loss of a loved person, and consequently the extra support that is required to help them through a dreadful time in their life.
     
  17. Danelover

    Danelover Registered User

    May 2, 2013
    14
    Get her to talk about him

    Hi Stephonaia,
    I am a carer too for people in their own homes. Mum has Altzheimers

    Could you ask her about him perhaps, What did he like to read, hobbies etc? get out the photos perhaps ?, where did they meet ? that may satisfy her and allow her to enjoy reminiscence.
    That seems to change the persons focus making them more receptive to being guided and distracted .Hard to manage this I know.
     
  18. stephonia

    stephonia Registered User

    Jan 30, 2015
    4
    stephonia

    Thank you Celia ,I will try that ,I am learning about Dementia as I go along ,Bereavement is hard to deal with as it is ,Let alone having Dementia to also cloud ones Judgement .

    I cuddle her a lot and Say think of the good times you had together ,We all miss him

    I did suggest A dummy hand for her to hold, it was poo pooed and I got strange looks .

    I did get A reply from someone sending A link re A pillow with A hand ,,,Wow thats amazing i don't feel so strange now ,I think the Family thought I was A weirdo haha .

    The Lady said one Day, when she asked if that was her Husband sitting in his Chair ,we said No ,She said can we Pretend its him I said of Course we can ,If thats what you want ,:confused:
     
  19. Nasus

    Nasus Registered User

    May 12, 2010
    21
    Derbyshire
    These comments are all very helpful.
    When you next read these posts say to yourself 'I need to think of me' - this is really important for yourself and for your father.
    When I cared for my father with Dementia I sometimes thought I'd lost the ability to think. Decided I needed to have the confidence to do something I enjoyed for myself. It was difficult to fit this in around caring, but I did it and it made me feel like life was still there for me. Outdoor activities were my thing, but you need to find what makes you smile. Just a regular coffee/ chat with a friend can help.
    In terms of grief, reminders of spouse etc. my father lost his wife when he was 67. As his dementia progressed during his 80s he used to ask me 'what have you done with Margaret?' thinking she was still alive. Myself and the other carers struggled to answer this question. I used to try distraction 'I'm sure she's OK but we haven't seen her for a long time have we' and 'She's very happy where she is now dear, it's a long time ago she had cancer isn't it.'
    My grief from losing my mother came back again (probably having been suppressed) when my father died 18 mnths ago. I'm now fully ok -still, remember them at their best not their worst.
     
  20. stephonia

    stephonia Registered User

    Jan 30, 2015
    4
    dementia and Berieved

    Thank you all for your Comments .A confused carer ,,,,,How can I comfort someone in the Middle of the Night asking where her late Husband is .I have been told her double bed has been replaced with A single one, To alleviate the Searching the empty space .Will this help or Confuse her More .:rolleyes:Someone said get A boyfriend ,Cuddle pillow with A hand .:confused:i thought of this ,I blew up A rubber glove and Decided not to Place it in the bed ,As it may Scare her .I suppose her Night thoughts, and Searching go with the Territory ,It is Going to carry on Nothing will take away her pain and Loss .The Lady misses holding his hand ,She often tells me they didn't talk just Held hands .:(I wish I could find A solution if there is one .Its times Like this we need to think Ahead .I wished I had recorded his Voice at Different times, so I could play it to her .Too late now ,I saw on the News last week aMan had wiped off his wifes recorded phone announcement he Was devastated A phone Engineer got it Back for him ,He was so Grateful ,Just hearing her Voice made Him Happy .
     

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