Reasons for staying away

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Libby, Feb 7, 2007.

  1. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    Hi Brenda

    Thought about pm’ing you, but then thought – What the heck – someone else might feel like me. I’m not really too sure why I’ve not been logging on much recently - just a general feeling of being low, with no one reason for feeling that way (if that makes sense!)

    When I have logged on, I’ve just felt that I had nothing to contribute to anyone else, there’s so many people on TP who seem so wise and always seem to know what to say – whereas me – I’ve got nothing to say!

    Mum continues to deteriorate, although she’s nowhere near as bad as some of the post’s that I’ve been reading. And therein lies the problem I think – there are times when I feel I’ve got no reason to be sorry for myself – there are so many people in worst situations than me.

    Some have 2 parents suffering from AD
    Some have a partner suffering from AD
    Some have just lost a loved one from AD
    Some people have loved ones who are in hospital, unable to eat
    Some are caring for close relatives with no family help
    Some have had to give up work to care
    Some are 24/7 carers with very little respite
    Some have their own medical problems to deal with

    Whereas Mum is in a home being looked after 24/7 – I have family to help spread the visits and family to help if there are any problems. Mum can still dress herself (to a fashion) still has a good appetite, and can still hold a conversation (sort of). I work full time and love my job (although it has been stressful recently due to staff shortages and Xmas) I don’t think I’m depressed and I’m a relatively happy person.

    I do sometimes wonder if Xmas played a big part in it – I made the decision to leave Mum in the home that day as getting her back there the previous year was a bit stressful as she was adamant that she didn’t live there. She’s not been out of the home for several months because of this and I felt it wasn’t fair on my 2 sons and hubby to have that kind of stress. But I just felt so guilty about the whole thing. I know that she didn’t even realize that it was Xmas. She certainly didn’t understand the presents (and continues to try and palm them off on me!) But the guilt is still there and continues to haunt me.

    I also made the decision to cut my visits to once a week, but again the guilt is getting to me, so I’m going to go back to twice a week. Mum can’t remember me going in to see her, but I think it may make me feel happier in myself.

    Having read through what I’ve just written, basically I feel that I just need a good kick up the backside!

    Please just form an orderly queue and hopefully I’ll get myself back to normal.

  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Libby,
    I think at times that is all that we can go with - that gut feeling of what we need to do.
    You don't need to have something fantastic to say, you know? - I was really pleased to see you pop up in the tea room earlier on. So often all that people need on here, is to know that there is someone else there.
    There is no hierarchy - if someone is hurting, they are hurting - no-one is going to compare whose pain is the worst.
    If you have a 'general feeling of being low' - we care. Having your mum in a NH; having to make those decisions about Christmas, having to look to the needs of the rest of your family, living with guilt- it is not easy.
    I am really pleased that you decided to post today.
    Love Helen
  3. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    #3 DickG, Feb 7, 2007
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2007
    Hi Libby

    I go through periods like this until all of a sudden a post triggers me off and I am away again. What causes these feelings of uselessness I don't know, but perhaps it is because I feel guilty at barely copeing with my situation which compared to others on TP is trivial.

    In time you will administer your own "kick up the backside" and wonder why you felt so inadequate.


  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Libs

    now that's what I call a stunning - in the best sense - post! Informative, helpful, insightful, etc
    See how wrong you were??????:D
    I'm sure that for everyone there is always going to be someone else whose lot seems worse to us. Different people cope differently with different situations, so what may be infinitely manageable for one person may be hell on earth for another. The whole thing is relative, and hell is hell, no matter what!

    I do like your summary of some of the situations people are in.
    This is all about making things work for everyone. I've reduced my visits to see my wife Jan, and though I hate having to do that [the distance was becoming difficult for me], I am continuing at the highest frequency I can. I don't think Jan knows when I'm there. But I do, and I would not feel right not going as often as possible.
    well, maybe for saying something so daft, but not otherwise.

    It's a great post and I look forward to seeing more.

    Really liked it. Thanks.
  5. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    Hi Libby

    I often feel just as you do in so many ways. I've also only been visiting my mum once a week recently. In the past there have been periods when I have visited every day, other periods when I have left it for longer than a week between visits. I do feel guilty for only going once a week, but the daily visits really took it out of me and I couldn't cope with that on a long term basis. I've made an extra visit tonight because my mum had 2 fits today and also because the home has a diarrohea (never could spell that word!) and vomitting outbreak. So far she doesn't seem to have been affected by the virus but the fits have really took it out of her. It may well be that I will need to make more visits over the next few days, but may then go back to the weekly visits.

    I don't think anyone keeps a score sheet of who has the hardest life here! I think we all go through the mill one way or another and keep each other sane (although the latter is debatable in my case!) You have lots to contribute. I know you say that you don't think you're depressed but just a general feeling of being low, with no one reason for feeling that way (if that makes sense sounds like a pretty good description of depression to me, although if it is then I hope it is only mild. Please do continue to keep in touch with us all.

  6. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Can identify with this thread in every is always good to realise we are not alone with our thoughts and feelings.

    May tomorrow be brighter for everyone, love
  7. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005

    Hi Libby

    I agree with Brenda. I often feel that my mum is 'normal' compared to everyone else's parents/spouses/relatives/whatever. And whilst she's not in the advanced stages, she's not the person she was. That fact, along with the emotional and other stresses I've had to cope with makes me keep coming back to TP. Yes, I'm fortunate compared to others, yes I feel a bit of a fraud at times. But I couldn't have got through the last year or so without coming here. I don't post a lot and I often think what I have to say is senseless (bit like this reply :) ) but the absorbing of information and support has been a godsend. Don't beat yourself up! We all have something to contribute, no matter how big or small. :)
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hi Lucille,

    There was nothing `senseless` about your post.

    My husband is also not as far down the road with Alzheimers as parents and partners of others on TP. But his behaviour is challenging, I need as much patience at times as I can muster and our lives have changed dramatically since he was diagnosed.

    I suspect it is the same for you.

    So please keep posting. Whatever you say is worth hearing.

    Love Sylvia xx
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Libby

    Can't agree with that! You've got lpenty to say, and what you say is just as valid as anyone else's points.

    We're all learning on TP, and the more people post, the more we learn. Even if a particular thread i not relevant to us today, it may well be tomorrow. No-one knows how this disease is going to develop. So keep posting -- even if it's only to say hello!

    Do not feel guilty. We are all doing the best we can in a situation we are finding hard to cope with. Your problems are as real to you as mine are to me, and anyone else's are to them. We're not in the business of grading pain, pain is pain is pain....... and we all feel it.

    Stay with us Libby, we need you.

  10. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Hi Libby,

    I am one of the ones with a loved one in hospital, unable to eat, but I was in the place you are once. If I hadn't posted back then, and shared my story, then I would not have felt as prepared as I am now. TP has helped me through all the tough times, and has been a place to share the happy times too. I have read posts about people in situations far worse than me, their loved ones at stages that I hardly dared even think about my Dad getting to. At every stage we all need some way of sharing with others, so please don't feel you have nothing to contribute - your words might just be the ones that someone, somewhere needs to read.

    love from Hazel.
  11. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    Thank you

    Thank you all so much for your kind words - all of your posts have meant a great deal to me.

    I've decided that I must get myself out of this rut, so have given myself a virtual kick up the backside (they don't hurt as much as the real thing!)

    You're right Brucie - seeing Mum the way she is, is very difficult for me to cope with. Yet I can go to work and pay 5000 people their wages - no bother. I think I must be one of those people who has no problem coping in stressful situations where I have a certain amount of control, but I'm not so good at coping, when something is out of my control - and AD is definately something that is out of my control.

    I'm no wonder woman - I'll cope as best I can - but I'll not beat myself up if I feel things are getting on top of me.

    Thanks again

  12. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    This might be over rated, but I feel it is something we all need just now.
    Love to all,

    Attached Files:

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  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland

    Your hug is never over-rated. It cheers me up every time it appears.

  14. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    Hi Libby,

    Having just emerged from one of the low times that you describe, I found that giving myself something to look forward to helped enormously.

    I, like you, had no idea what triggered the down time and I refuse to try and analyse it in case it comes back. How's that for cowardice?

    In my case it was the thought of warm summer nights on the patio, with a bottle of red, an easy chair, just sitting there listening to the birds and watching the flowers grow that brought some meaning back into my existence.

    That and, of course, all the help and support received through the TP site.

    Somehow, when the contributors to the site are all in similar positions, they do not seem like total strangers at all and it is odd to feel that you may pass them in the street, without giving them a second glance, not knowing the resources they have for caring and helping in times of difficulty.

    I do hope that you will feel better soon.
  15. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    Hi Libs and everyone,

    you all made so much sense.
    I haven't much to contribute at the moment, we've moved from stroke-induced dementia in the family to two cases of cancer.
    So, back to coping as best we can in a daily routine which is so difficult emotionally and otherwise. Getting on with it and making the most of a bad situation...some days we succeed, other days we don't and that's not the end of the world.....that's life. It goes on, but it's hard sometimes.

    Tina x
  16. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    Hi Tina

    So sorry to hear that things have now got so much worse for you and your family. Cancer has touched our family and it's just another truly awful thing to deal with

    Take care and keep in touch.

  17. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Libby
    Its so good to see you posting:)
    There is no way your situation is trivial ,Libs.....
    just take yourself back a year or so.....
    Both your parents were alive.
    You lost your dad.
    You discovered your mums dementia was far worse than you thought when your dad died.
    You were faced with awful decisions along with coping with your grief.
    It hurts to see your mum in a nursing home.
    It hurts not to have her with you at Christmas....that most special family time.
    It hurts to see her deteriorate...albeit slowly.
    I understand....your situation is very close to mine.
    When dementia touches a family life is never the same again......
    You will get through it although there are days when you feel you won't.......
    You take care and draw strength from your friends here
    Lots of love
    Wendy xx
  18. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    I understand & feel the same

    Hi Libby,
    I haven't been posting much lately & probably for similar reasons. There are others here who give excellent advice and are far more articulate than I. Plus, it's been a rough year so far. My brother-in-law died Dec 31 & he was only 53. One of my aunts died Jan 8 and now my step-mother died on Saturday past.

    I've been very emotionally drained. My husband & I are going away again to Paris on Feb 22 for just under 2 weeks & I can't wait. I just want to run away. This in spite of being offered a permanent position where I am, which is the best place I've worked at, with the most fabulous and understanding boss. Naturally, the money isn't too hot but I've been there & done that & the money isn't necessarily worth it.

    My husband & I have been talking about moving to the UK when my mother dies. My sister is not very happy with this, in fact she was a little surly about it when I originally mentioned it. She thinks I'm just overtired & things are getting to me. So she's quite pleased that we're going away.

    I'm tired, tired, mentally tired. But here comes Paris.....

  19. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Joanne, What a rotten start for you, to the new year.

    It`s enough for most of us to cope with one serious illness in the family, but you are really having more than your share.

    Paris sounds wonderful. I hope you manage to put your cares on the back boiler and have a lovely time.

    Paris in Springtime [or nearly] what could be better.

    Love Sylvia x
  20. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Joanne, just sending you a hug. Enjoy your break in Paris - other decisions can wait.
    Love helen

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