• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Really worried and Mum turning against me

worriedson77

Registered User
Jan 29, 2020
44
Hi All, posting but unsure why, my mum raised me on her own, super woman really now reached 74 and has for thr past few years been fine apart from the odd age related illness etc. Have been concerned to want to help as she has known eye issues but must confess she kind of has always got on with things, recent two weeks though I have noticed huge red flags that have terrified me (Escalating with inability to recall conversations from minutes before) but has resulted in me dropping everything to try and help and missing work. Biggest problem is that when mum is fine or seems fine to herself she doesnt think there is an issue so no need for a dr visit, when she feels there is something wrong she won't go as she says if she's diagnosed with anything she will decline rapidly but I cant force her to book one, there is only me who is a relative and she has really turned quite nasty with me basically saying that I am the cause of her stress which is causing her issues by keep handling. I have backed off but gone to the dr separately for them to try and get her in. She has called me at least twice daily and I have seen her at least daily as well from basically us meeting up maybe fortnightly/weekly so must confess whilst all of the things I have seen are new to me, I dont know how new they are to her. Specific examples in past week, made optician appt for next day and missed it, made an appointment for the same day yesterday and missed it, forgotten banking arrangements made, has asked me to come over as she is stressed thinking she has taken out loans then gone out/untraceable when I arrived at her home 30 minutes after her call, later she went out again but has no idea where she went to on the bus eventually has returned back and had no recall of speaking with me or what I was there, forgetting her 3 sisters are all diagnosed with dementia and getting angry that they dont contact her and basically accusing me of tricking her to make her feel like she is going mad because I want her house as does my cousin. I suppose my post I to reach out because it feels like such a massive shock so I am worrying that if I cant get her to a dr for them to see what is going on how will we cope and worry that my attempted help is having the opposite effect in that if she is happy enough not knowing or being in denial then my attempts to help have somehow caused this rapid decline. At the same time said from the dr I genuinely have no clue if there is support or anything for her or even me for this pre assessment time because it's hard for me to admit but I do feel like it's such a struggle already. Sorry for the long post, been up for hours and wanted to vent/seek advice x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,725
Kent
Hello @worriedson77

On the one hand your mother is accusing you of being the cause of her stress yet on the other hand is phoning you twice daily. It shows she still needs you and you are her only source of help.

If her sisters have dementia she is probably very frightened and her behaviour might be her way of protecting herself.

All you can do really is go to the doctor and ask for help for yourself. This way the doctor may realise how much stress you are living with. I might also help if you print out a copy of your post . It might add an additional dimension to your visit if the doctor sees it in writing

Why not phone the Helpline. They may be able to suggest something more constructive. You certainly cannot continue in this way indefinitely.

National Dementia Helpline

0300 222 11 22

Our helpline advisers are here for you.

Helpline opening hours:

Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm

Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm

Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
601
Hi @worriedson77, welcome to the forum. I totally understand your concern and anxiety. Although this probably doesn't make it any easier, but this is not uncommon where our loved ones have memory issues - denial. I expect Mum is lashing out as she is frightened and confused and probably can't remember all of the incidents, and you are probably the only one she can speak to so are in the firing line (so to speak) - I know it is really difficult but try not to take the hurtful comments to heart.

I take it you do not have any Power of Attorney in place for Mum, or her written permission for the Doctors to deal with you? She really does need to be seen by the GP in the first instance who will undertake a basic memory test, and also undertake a physical examination - he will then refer her on for further more detailed tests for diagnosis. I experienced the same situation with my Mum - denial and refusal - eventually I made the appointment for her and took her for a check up, I explained that if there was something wrong they may be able to give her something to help (which is true), once the GP had seen her we proceeded on the path outlined above. Others on the forum have suggested speaking to the Doctor and arranging the appointment and taking Mum under the guise of a well woman check up.

I would also suggest you look at getting Power of Attorney in place for Mum - although if she hold the belief you are after her property then that might be quite difficult, but in her best interests she needs someone to act for her in medical and financial matters.

It is such a difficult time - I've been there. I hope you can move things forward. Take care of yourself too.

All the best
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,706
South coast
Hello @worriedson77
I think that most of us have been there. I think that their bad memory prevents them from understanding their problems (I dont remember doing anything wrong therefore Im fine), but there is still the deep down feeling that Something Is Not Right, even though they cant quite put their finger on exactly what, so mostly they conclude that its the person they see most of (ie you). The accusation of stealing is very, very common - it was the biggest warning sign to me that there was something wrong with my mum too.

Please be reassured that you have not done anything to make it worse, it is not your fault.

Pete1 has outlined good ways to get then to the GP and yes, if you can try and get POA. You can download the forms online, get someone who has known her well for two years (maybe a friend or neighbour) to witness her signature and do it yourself without involving solicitors. That way you can pick your own time.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
138
I agree with above advice totally.
Power of attorney for everything. Don’t over explain , pick a good time to request and keep it simple ‘ I need you to sign these forms so if you go into hospital I can pay your bills’.
Another tip ask when the person has recently eaten ( high blood sugar levels) = happy
I did my POA online but actually printed it first and filled it in , then copied it when doing the online form. This sounds odd but it a technique for turning a hard task into an easy one.
Print three copies of the signature pages to allow for mistakes.
The perfect witness is a friendly neighbour if you have one!
Next apply for attendance allowance.
Can you see if call blocker works? Your telephone provider will offer it free of charge. Your mum is very vulnerable to fraud calls.
Spec savers call out to my aunts own home to do her eye test.
I think you may do better to turn some of the problems into bite size ones and do separate postings for each e.g not attending appointments. Everyone on the forum is here to help and share and that way everyone with an opinion on each specialty problem can pitch in.
 

Henny2020

New member
Jan 16, 2020
1
Hi,
I'm in a similar position to you and its the reason ive just joined up. My mother has been slowly forgetting things for a while, but nothing momentous but i managed, by trickery really, to get her to have a memory test - which came back as 'mild memory loss' - the Doctors have advised she should go on tablets but she wont accept that she needs anything.
All i have to do is disagree with her and she shouts at me telling me i'm 'always on at her', and 'you're the mad one not me', she has gone to our neighbors and told them that its me that' confused not her.
She will start preparing dinner at 10.oo in the morning and start cooking it at midday - she asks me questions but cant find the words to explain what she means and we end up arguing as she accuses me of 'doing it deliberately'
She takes tiny pieces of information and makes constructs that she completely believes in and wont be told other wise, so ends up missing appointment as she has created a different appointment time, or goes out when someone is due at the house.
Ive decided all i can do is agree with everything she says - i've been so stressed out and i realize now there is no point arguing with her.
She wont discuss Power of Attorney as she thinks i'm trying to take over her life and take control of her and says 'she isnt a fool'.
I think the worst thing for me is the aggression and hostility i have to face - sorry - we live together, every day I have the maelstrom of anger and nastiness if i dare say something she thinks is out of place. All im trying to do is help but i just can't do anything.
 
Last edited:

worriedson77

Registered User
Jan 29, 2020
44
Thanks so much for your input everyone, I suppose I joined up to the forum in the hope that I was heading down a well worn road but honestly not having a clue and getting so concerned as to where to start because mum is so adamant/fearful of seeing the dr, I will call the helpline as well as using the really helpful points that you have made.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
601
Hi @Henny2020, welcome to the forum.

Ive decided all i can do is agree with everything she says - i've been so stressed out and i realize now there is no point arguing with her.
This is certainly the correct approach, unfortunately trying to correct you Mum will just lead to distress for you both. It is difficult to accept but Mum will not longer able to rationalise as she used to, and will become confused (and angry at that) so how you have communicated with Mum in the past will likely not longer work in certain situations. It must be very emotionally draining to deal with Mum's aggression on a daily basis. All I can suggest is to walk away and allow the situation to diffuse if you can't change the subject through distraction.

On the question of POA, don't give up on it. You may find that Mum's opinion will change over time as the dementia progresses. It may also help if the future medical appointments that Mum has mention it to her. Even if you can get written permission for the Doctor to speak with you may help. Keep posting. All the best.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
601
Hi @worriedson77,
I joined up to the forum in the hope that I was heading down a well worn road
Do take solace in the fact that it is exactly that, most of us on the forum have walked in your shoes. Your Mum is fortunate to have you looking out for her best interests, I know it might not often feel like. Try not to get too frustrated with the seeming lack of progress and being in a loop, keep persisting and Mum may well change over time. Keep posting. All the best.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
201
Oh @worriedson77 I too have had this - my dad was missing all sorts of appointments right left and centre and still would if the care home he is now in didn't keep a calendar for him. Also didn't think there was anything wrong or if there was, it was due to his age. No added advice but know you are not alone!
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
138
Is there any way you have a friend she hasn’t seen before. They could come round ( wearing a very smart
suit ) with the forms and request she signs the forms? Might be worth a try.
Whatever happens keep trying.
I don’t argue with my mother. I put her behaviours into two categories ,Weird, irritating or wasting money go into the make no comment category. I have to comment on dangerous, but it’s a smaller category.
I have a stock of bland phrases, such as ‘ never mind’ ‘no problem’ etc etc.
If she says ‘ I must book a physio appointment’ I don’t say you saw them two weeks ago and refuse point blank yo do any exercises they recommended”. But instead says some sort of delaying phrase. ‘ snow is coming so let’s wait a little longer’! Or I think the girl said she was going to India for most of February!
That’s the reason to claim the attendance allowance. When her actions cost money if you can mentally think ‘attendance allowance is paying for that ‘then it is a stress reliever.
Do you need to put a tracker in her handbag?
 

Wakky

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
46
Hello @worriedson77
I think that most of us have been there. I think that their bad memory prevents them from understanding their problems (I dont remember doing anything wrong therefore Im fine), but there is still the deep down feeling that Something Is Not Right, even though they cant quite put their finger on exactly what, so mostly they conclude that its the person they see most of (ie you). The accusation of stealing is very, very common - it was the biggest warning sign to me that there was something wrong with my mum too.

Please be reassured that you have not done anything to make it worse, it is not your fault.

Pete1 has outlined good ways to get then to the GP and yes, if you can try and get POA. You can download the forms online, get someone who has known her well for two years (maybe a friend or neighbour) to witness her signature and do it yourself without involving solicitors. That way you can pick your own time.
I think you have answered a question I asked on a thread relating to POAs. My husband and I are doing them for both of us, but from what you say, even with his diagnosis in September, since he is in such early stages and is doing everything he did before, Someone who has known him for 2 years can witness his signature?
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,330
66
Toronto, Canada
What I did was print everything off and have it ready for signature. At that point Mum was just arrived at a retirement home and we had to sort things reasonably quickly. IEvery time I went in, which was every day at that point, I would take the papers and say "We'll have to sign these some time". After a couple of weeks of this repetition, I asked her to sign them and it worked.
 

DesperatelyseekingSusan

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
17
I was limited contact with my mum, but in the last week she has accused me of trying to kill her, put my dad in a nursing home because I want their house. I’ve contacted my GP again to raise my concerns. My mums aggression is volcanic. My dad was diagnosed with Picks Nov 19, she is showing signs of dementia, or has mentally broken down due to shock of diagnosis or that she cant cope. I’ve no idea. I’m now no contact for a while. I’m ill myself so I’m struggling. How does one stop caring when the caring is so damaging. Hang on in there. I’m hoping my mum finds help through the GP, and through suggestions here am getting other agencies involved but secretly. If she knew it was me.... ! She’s already accused me of trying to make out she’s crazy. Sometimes you just can’t reach a person, or breakthrough. It’s not failure to reach out to professionals, and know your limits. We’re no use to anyone if we, the carers are ill.
 

worriedson77

Registered User
Jan 29, 2020
44
I was limited contact with my mum, but in the last week she has accused me of trying to kill her, put my dad in a nursing home because I want their house. I’ve contacted my GP again to raise my concerns. My mums aggression is volcanic. My dad was diagnosed with Picks Nov 19, she is showing signs of dementia, or has mentally broken down due to shock of diagnosis or that she cant cope. I’ve no idea. I’m now no contact for a while. I’m ill myself so I’m struggling. How does one stop caring when the caring is so damaging. Hang on in there. I’m hoping my mum finds help through the GP, and through suggestions here am getting other agencies involved but secretly. If she knew it was me.... ! She’s already accused me of trying to make out she’s crazy. Sometimes you just can’t reach a person, or breakthrough. It’s not failure to reach out to professionals, and know your limits. We’re no use to anyone if we, the carers are ill.
Hi desperatelyseekingsusan, thanks for the message, I think the more I read on here and people I hear from it does seem to be common as to how stressful the situation is for all concerned and also that sometimes the behind the scenes stuff is as important if not more in respect of getting your pwd the right help. I personally really feel guilty that everytime the phone rings my heart is in my mouth dreading whether it will be a vitriolic attack or "normal" but at the same time am consistently worried about what mum is doing and where she is as well so struggling to come to terms with it all. Think you are really wise to think about your own health too x
 

DesperatelyseekingSusan

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
17
My mum is doing this too, it’s horrendous, screaming at the top her voice, then sending me notes of apology, things made up in her head that she actually believes. It’s like being tortured emotionally. You just think they’re back to normal and off she goes on one again. I’m daughter from heaven, daughter from hell. So bloody tired. X take care of yourself. It’s very important. Keep your relationships on track. I’ve started yoga. It’s brill. Such an escape. Xxxxxx
 

Lunamoon

New member
Sep 30, 2019
7
Hi,
I'm in a similar position to you and its the reason ive just joined up. My mother has been slowly forgetting things for a while, but nothing momentous but i managed, by trickery really, to get her to have a memory test - which came back as 'mild memory loss' - the Doctors have advised she should go on tablets but she wont accept that she needs anything.
All i have to do is disagree with her and she shouts at me telling me i'm 'always on at her', and 'you're the mad one not me', she has gone to our neighbors and told them that its me that' confused not her.
She will start preparing dinner at 10.oo in the morning and start cooking it at midday - she asks me questions but cant find the words to explain what she means and we end up arguing as she accuses me of 'doing it deliberately'
She takes tiny pieces of information and makes constructs that she completely believes in and wont be told other wise, so ends up missing appointment as she has created a different appointment time, or goes out when someone is due at the house.
Ive decided all i can do is agree with everything she says - i've been so stressed out and i realize now there is no point arguing with her.
She wont discuss Power of Attorney as she thinks i'm trying to take over her life and take control of her and says 'she isnt a fool'.
I think the worst thing for me is the aggression and hostility i have to face - sorry - we live together, every day I have the maelstrom of anger and nastiness if i dare say something she thinks is out of place. All im trying to do is help but i just can't do anything.
I have exactly the same with my Mum but well done for getting her a memory test, i can't get that to happen! She's become quite nasty and will argue over anything and everything. She tells me my Dad is being horrible to her which is rubbish. She often starts dinner at lunchtime, can't follow a recipe or makes lunch at breakfast time, puts it in the oven for 'safe keeping' then turns it on and prepares another lunch, burning the first one in the process. The other day she cooked a pan of broccoli but forgot to put water in and burnt the pan. I just thank god that my Dad is healthy and at home as i have no idea what i'd do otherwise, she's be a danger to herself, however most people can't see if as she's so good at pulling it together when she needs to.
 

worriedson77

Registered User
Jan 29, 2020
44
Just an update really which probably shows the cycle, Dr says anosognosia is a common problem for pwd and it has been mentioned before (Which is lack of acceptance/understanding that there is anything wrong) today have had a furious voice message as some paperwork from the OPG landed which mum has translated as me getting her sectioned and put in a home, threatened in the message to get the police on me if I dont stop what I am doing. Luckily her trusted neighbour was on hand but from them relaying the conversation to me sounds like Mum was saying absolutely awful things about herself, sounds like the conversation ended on a positive but like mentioned above its really difficult in thinking of seeing/calling mum as if she has an outburst in front of my small kids I know they will be really upset and will remember (Unlike mum). Its hard to know what to do for the best some days but I think that the pwd needs to feel in control and when anything unexpected happens they get angry/upset.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
601
its really difficult in thinking of seeing/calling mum as if she has an outburst in front of my small kids I know they will be really upset and will remember (Unlike mum).
Sadly we experienced this with Dad, in my experience only (and I'm sure others may not see it the same way as they have had different experiences) it was quite distressing for his (then) young grandchildren to see and hear him (although his dementia was quite advanced). You have to make that judgement call, and it isn't an easy one - which is a common theme! It's awful seeing your Mum change, just always have it in your mind you are doing your very best which 'Old' Mum would have understood and appreciated. Stay strong.
 

worriedson77

Registered User
Jan 29, 2020
44
Sadly we experienced this with Dad, in my experience only (and I'm sure others may not see it the same way as they have had different experiences) it was quite distressing for his (then) young grandchildren to see and hear him (although his dementia was quite advanced). You have to make that judgement call, and it isn't an easy one - which is a common theme! It's awful seeing your Mum change, just always have it in your mind you are doing your very best which 'Old' Mum would have understood and appreciated. Stay strong.
Thanks Pete, it's a great point and definitely Mum.v.1 would not want to upset the kids (Or anyone in fact) so it's a tough balancing act and seem to feel like im selling everyone short whichever route I take . Didnt see mum at the weekend as she had been so furious on Friday but spoke on the phone and she was fine and cheery so then cant help feeling bad for not seeing her with the kids even though at the time I wasn't sure what mood she would have been in!