Really struggling, would appreciate any advice

Noaksie1

Registered User
Nov 2, 2010
13
0
Sussex UK
Hi everyone, I find these boards really helpful & would really appreciate any advice you have please.
I'm the sole carer for my mum who has dementia (along with my husband who is brilliant). Mum still lives at home with carers coming in once a day. She doesn't go out often.
I feel completely overwhelmed with no help from SS (on the contrary they are part of the problem-long story but no help whatsoever). I'm doing my best with her finances, medical appts, shopping, etc. I work and have a young daughter. I would really like someone to speak to about the care she's receiving (is it enough?). She's self-funding but have had loads of probs with the carers and I'm in the process of re-arranging. It doesn't sound like much when I write it down, but it's taking so much out of me. She has so many bills that she cannot afford incl. solicitor's bill for enquiry re. LPoA (didn't go ahead as she lacks capacity).
Mum's started to getting 'grumpy' again recently, mainly with me & it's so hard to take. Who can I turn to? I feel like I'm fumbling along and would really appreciate any advice you have. :(

Thanks, you wonderful people x
 

lilysmybabypup

Registered User
May 21, 2012
1,263
0
Sydney, Australia
Hi, I don't know if I can be of any real help since I'm not in the UK. But I just want you to know you aren't alone. Of course you're feeling overwhelmed, that's what caring is like, even things which shouldn't require much effort or thought become like wading through honey, too hard.

You have a family to care for as well, and it's no good when help isn't help at all, but a hindrance, extra aggravation.

I can offer some advice regarding your mum being grumpy and a bit difficult. Dad could be like that sometimes, not often, but when he was it was extra hurtful because I was going out of my way to help him and giving up so much for him, and he just didn't appreciate it. Naturally, it's a bit unfair to place those expectations on someone with dementia, being rational and logical is sometimes not possible. I found it was best to swallow my pride, apologise for whatever it was I did (I hadn't really done anything), and say I was really trying my best but I wasn't very good at it. He would usually revert to his loving nature, and say I mustn't say that, I was very good and doing my best. Sometimes I just couldn't be gracious, I had run out of patience and I just snapped back.

I hops someone else can help you with the other issues soon. All the best and be kind to yourself.

Stephanie, xxx
 

clareglen

Registered User
Jul 9, 2013
318
0
Cumbria
So am I

I'm new on here after finding this forum after reading 'dementia just ain't sexy' blog.

I am looking after my mother (we are both only children) who has dementia but I have no extra care in place. She lives next door. I've given up work as she can't be left alone for long. I've had a terrible couple of weeks. I think the worst thing is the accusations & not speaking to you when you haven't done anything wrong. I've done loads for her last two days including cleaning up poo, giving her 2 baths in one day, changing all her bedding & what set her off was refusing to put back on the bed 2 electric blankets (in this weather!). I'm going to see my doctor myself this afternoon as I want to kill her. My friends, who are health professionals, say I need to get social services involved, which she'll hate & now after reading your post I'm not so sure if it's just going to create extra stress.

I also have a husband and grandchildren I look after. Sorry I've not been any help to you but at least you know you're not alone, which is why I searched for this in the first place.
 

lilysmybabypup

Registered User
May 21, 2012
1,263
0
Sydney, Australia
Sometimes there just isn't a solution, and all we can offer is a listening ear and buckets of empathy. Sometimes caring is so rewarding, and other times it's simply a thankless task.

I hope you all have more better days than bad, and get in all the help you can because that absence helps you to cope better with some of the unpleasantness.

Stephanie, xxx
 

Bumblegirl

Registered User
Nov 17, 2012
86
0
I feel for you. It is hard to shoulder the responsibility. I don't have any solutions for you but just wanted to say I hear you and hope things get easier for you. I have a wonderful social worker but it took ages to sort things out. I just kept ringing the GP demanding a referral to the community mental health team. Tears on the phone worked but it did take a few weeks of persistent complaining and crying.

Good luck
BG
 

alannah

Registered User
Jul 7, 2013
16
0
Cornwall
continuing healthcare

There is funding available for people like your mum. Which may help with paying for carers etc. Speak to your mother's doctor, ask to be referred to a cpn, or occupational therapist. Ask if she is eligible for any funding, there is something called 'continuing healthcare'. I know some individuals I care for who have dementia are in receipt of it. I don't know much about the eligibility of fundings that are available, but its definitely worth looking into. This is too much for you to cope with alone. But I'm sure there is support out there for you. Best wishes x

Alannah