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Really struggling with visiting

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by Whitey2000, Mar 13, 2019.

  1. Whitey2000

    Whitey2000 Registered User

    Oct 19, 2018
    36
    My mom is near the end, she hasnt really eaten or drunk anything much for weeks. It is torture to see her but I feel guilty if I don't go. Have felt really unwell the last couple of days. Wish this would end for both of us. Its a dreadful feeling, not sure how much more I can stand.
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    8,653
    Female
    South coast
    (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) @Whitey2000

    This limbo land, this twilight zone is very stressful. Firstly, I would like to say that you dont have to visit every day and when you do go you dont have to stay for hours. The staff will know when she is reaching the end and will contact you.

    There is also the problem that it is difficult to know what to do/say while you are there. Make sure you have said things like - I love you, thank you, Im sorry and (if appropriate) I forgive you. Also, tell her that it is OK to go when she is ready.
    Other things that you can do is play her favourite music, read poems or books that she will have known as a child, put moisurising cream on her face and skin as it will be very dry and lip slave on her lips. If she is still aware you could paint her nails.

    Keep posting on here and we will hold your virtual hand through it.
     
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,033
    Yorkshire
    hello @Whitey2000
    I agree with canary, visit when you wish, when you feel it is right ....
    you need to look to your own health, so maybe have a chat with your GP
    and talk to the staff, as canary says, they will understand and be able to let you know how your mom is, especially if you make it clear you want them to be open with you
    keep posting, it helps to share
    best wishes
     
  4. Whitey2000

    Whitey2000 Registered User

    Oct 19, 2018
    36
    Thank you for your kind words, its really appreciated so much. The staff have been lovely and have promised to call if anything changes. Ive decided not to go today, and felt instantly better. Not knowing what to say is awful, yesterday she couldn't recognise me either which was very hard. Thank you again x
     
  5. Karen22

    Karen22 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2012
    34
    I felt I didn't visit my mum enough at the end even though she was barely conscious so didn't know if we were there or not. I wish I had played her music but her hearing hadn't been good so I didn't know if she could hear me when I spoke to her or not. I was there though and held her hand. The staff called us in when she was near the end, although we had been in in the afternoon and I had requested morphine for her as I didn't know if she was in pain or not. It's such a difficult time. Big hugs.
    Karen
     
  6. Whitey2000

    Whitey2000 Registered User

    Oct 19, 2018
    36
    It is, its such a mixture of emotions; hard to put into words. Dad died many years ago, we visited him every day, apart from the day before he died. I felt so guilty. He declined very suddenly but with mom, it was 6 months at home when I really struggled with her, followed by more than 2 months going between hospitals and a nursing home watching her fade away. She has always been a very feisty lady, wish she would tell me off one more time, but I know it won't happen x
     
  7. Moose1966

    Moose1966 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2017
    65
    Female
    Staffordshire
    I’m on this journey with my mum . End of life care in CH for 6 months , in bed 24/7 not eating , sleeping all the time , pain relief required , legs bent and stiff , non responsive ...... such a horrid disease . Went the other day and she spoke !! “ goodbye I love you “ broke my heart . She is certainly keeping me on my toes and like you visits are so hard . I have no idea how long I don’t ask as I’m surprised she’s still here now. I found that by accepting that mum had gone and that the lady I visit is someone I once knew helped me stop crying every time I looked at her . Hope this helps and you are most certainly not alone ❤️
     
  8. Whitey2000

    Whitey2000 Registered User

    Oct 19, 2018
    36
    That does help, it really does. I haven't asked either. Mom's decline has been so rapid. Early Jan she was mobile and eating. Shes now bed bound, incontinent, doesn't recognise me, has has had aspiration pneumonia and I dread to think how little she weighs, plus vascular dementia and osteoporosis. It is a horrible to see her like this but helps to know I am not alone.x
     
  9. Moose1966

    Moose1966 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2017
    65
    Female
    Staffordshire
    Will keep you in my thoughts ❤️ It’s odd how it takes over your life , mum really isn’t good and I wish she could go to sleep and be at peace . Strange thought but it’s my birthday on Friday and I’m going out with hubby , kids and friends for the afternoon and evening meal ( Chinese yum ) at the back of mind is ........what if the CH ring !! what if mum needs me !! Oh always “ what if “ But in my heart I know that there will be the “ I wish “ she was here with us etc ... it’s a very hard stage that we are at ❤️
     
  10. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    1,619
    Female
    East Midlands
    My mum isn’t quite at this stage but I do think is approaching it.
    She is in hospital at the moment with an infection. And certainly on the ward, there are dementia patients who must be nearing the end.
    The lady opposite her is just refusing to eat & has done for weeks & her son just wants to take her home - she has been surviving on cups of tea! This illness is just horrendous for sure. Hugs for all of you xx
     
  11. Whitey2000

    Whitey2000 Registered User

    Oct 19, 2018
    36
    Just been to the hospital, she has been classed as end of life and they say she has weeks left but judging by how bad she looked this afternoon, I don't think she has that long. I wept when I saw her. Praying for her to be at peace soon.
     
  12. Moose1966

    Moose1966 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2017
    65
    Female
    Staffordshire
    I saw mum today she’s in bed all the time now , sleeping 99% of time . Has small porridge then just liquid during the day . So far pain relief is working like you I wish her to be at peace . They haven’t given me any idea on how long yet but it’s not looking good .
     
  13. Whitey2000

    Whitey2000 Registered User

    Oct 19, 2018
    36
    Drs met with us yesterday and they said she had weeks left. Today I've been told she hasn't eaten or drunk anything for 2 days. She was very agitated in the night so they gave her something to calm her down. Drowsy and peaceful today, they are just making her comfortable now. I could only stop about 30 minutes today, its so hard to see how she looks now. Hoping and praying for peace for her soon x
     
  14. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    276
    mum barely opens her eyes and though yes sometimes I talk to her most of the time I just sit there holding and stroking her hand. I hope she feels me stroking and knows Im there xx
     
  15. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    8,653
    Female
    South coast
    (((((((((((hugs))))))))))) @Whitey2000
    Its the not knowing that the hardest, isnt it?
    From the sound of it, I wouldnt have said that she will last weeks, though.
     
  16. Whitey2000

    Whitey2000 Registered User

    Oct 19, 2018
    36
    I'm sure she does, its heart breaking it really is xx
     
  17. Whitey2000

    Whitey2000 Registered User

    Oct 19, 2018
    36
    I don't think so either. She opened her eyes and looked straight at me, no recognition at all. They are trying to move her to a side room, its terrible being surrounded by other patients and visitors xx
     
  18. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    164
    Female
    So sorry - I think that by moving your Mum to a side room the end is quite near. Sending you hugs
     
  19. Karen22

    Karen22 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2012
    34
    I'm going through a long hard journey with my dad. He's been fading for over 2 years now. He's in a nursing home near me but it's awful to see his deterioration and he's been close to death many times and in and out of hospital. It's still going on and is really taking it's toll on me and my health. I hope this doesn't go on too long for you or your lovely mum.
    Karen
     
  20. Moose1966

    Moose1966 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2017
    65
    Female
    Staffordshire
    ❤️To you all in this post
     

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