really need your thoughts

[esinedee]

My Mum moved into a care home a month ago, I accepted the offer as it was agreed she could have a room downstairs, I really didn't like the upstairs as it is a nursing area and folk with late stage dementia wandering about who can only go downstairs with a family member or carer, if they are able.

Mum hasn't settled is very anxious and wants to go "home" all the time. The problem is she is an "exiting" wanderer and stands by the front door all the time, as she looks more like a visitor than a resident visitors have let her out. The deputy manager has explained that they don't have the resources to guard her all the time, which I do understand. There are currently 2 spare rooms upstairs which "we" should think about. My gut feeling is that I will not let her move upstairs, there must be a way to manage this, she hasn't been there too long, they talk to her try to distract but still she stands by the coded door and keeps trying the handle.

I can't sleep for worrying about her, she is fully LA funded, much of a top up would be beyond me.

What do you wise people think? My thoughts are to speak to her social worker and find a more suitable place. She had a spark before she moved into the home, she has now lost this and is so sad, she gets the staff to ring my number on her phone and begs me to come and collect her. It's breaking my heart.

Many thanks for reading this
Esined

 

[love.dad.but..]

Dad's first few months ground floor nursing home were tricky as he was a constant walker, would and still does but 2 yrs on not to the same extent try door and window handles and sometimes stood at the exit door into reception. As he declined so his acceptance increased. If your mums NH has a key coded door they should be able to keep her safe with distraction strategies and instructions to both staff and visitors...dad could easily be taken as a smartly dressed visitor who would say after you to visitors leaving in the first few months. If your mum has observed and can remember the key code then it should be changed...that happens every few months at dads home. Like you although dad is a self funder I was and still am desperate to keep him from moving upstairs to the more challenging floor. It is likely that the home will put in place a safeguarding deprivation of liberty for your mum, nothing to worry about but it gives them the legal power to stop her leaving the home. If the ground floor cannot be kept secure for your mum perhaps the care home is for this reason suggesting upstairs but with a key coded entry system I can't see why they would have a problems as presumably the garden is also secure. Talk through the deputy's reasoning with her again if I were you so you are clear as to the risk they perceive to your mum on the ground floor. Sometimes residents like dad or your mum have to be allowed to try doors etc and frankly even now sometimes with dad he needs to go through the process of trying before he moves on much the same as he needs to walk and satisfy that compulsion. It is heartbreaking to witness and it look dad 5 months to truly settle to any degree so it is hard.Try not to worry.

 

[esinedee]

Many thanks for reply. The coded front door opens straight onto home car park then road, hence the guarding

 

[Emac]

Care home security

Try not to worry too much about your Mum not settling. It's early days and many people on here report it taking months not weeks for someone to adjust. trying to get home is pretty normal under the circumstances particularly if your Mum is still quite aware as mine is.

Sometimes there are so many residents in the space between the inner and outer security doors in Mum's home no-one can get out and visitors have to use a back exit.

So ....is there a way staff could identify your mum as a resident so visitors don't inadvertently let her out, a small badge perhaps or a notice on the door showing her photo. Also in Mum's home staff are the only ones who have the code and they let all visitors out ensuring residents cant get out at the same time. Perhaps your Mum's care home could do something similar. (If staff are allowing her to leave that's a bit worrying!)
Regarding the phone calls perhaps staff could try pretending to ring you and saying oh dear she's not in we'll try again later...or some similar excuse to stop you getting quite so many calls. Ask them only to let her ring you if she is really distressed and they feel it might help. Alternatively you could just not answer your mobile...... have another arrangement regarding how they will contact you if it is a genuine emergency.

I hope these suggestions are of some help .Remember however upsetting you have agreed to the care home because it is no longer safe for her to live at home. Your Mum can't remember that or understand it because of her dementia. She will settle in time. It does get better xxxx

 

[Kevinl]

.she is fully LA funded, much of a top up would be beyond me.

You may find that this limits to your choice, there are only a couple of places near me that do it without some sort of top up. I think the lowest was about £60pw the highest £450pw.
To be fair to the home if they think she is at risk they are obliged to say so, if she got out and walked in the road who's fault would that be? The home could be deemed to be negligent as they knowingly kept her in a situation that couldn't meet her needs.
To save themselves a possible court case of negligence and all the attendant bad publicity and all that this might entail it might be best for them to ask you to make other arrangements for her rather than risk it.
Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but her safety has to be paramount.
K

 

[love.dad.but..]

At dads home the key coded door enters reception a resident would have to walk past 3 staff to get to another key coded door so he is safe as he or anyone else would be noticed but visitors are also made aware of potential problems and a notice on the inner door. That door also has frosted glass so it isn't so obvious to the resident that there are people activity beyond the door! From your description of the premises I would think the deputy is concerned that their duty of care to keep your mum safe may be compromised in being on the ground floor. However it is still early days, it Took dad many months to settle and for the standing at the door and handle wiggling of any door and window to lessen but this may happen for your mum also. Dad was unable to ask for much and certainly couldn't use the phone so I have no experience of that but it strikes me that the staff should use strategies to divert so if this is what you want she isn't regularly trying to pull on your heart strings if this is always the nature of the calls and I would speak to the staff to try and find a satisfactory balance.

 

[Jessbow]

My late mother nursing home solved this by changing the door code and it was only known by staff, so member of staff had to let you in and out. It was a faff, and yes, sometimes you did have to wait until someone was available to let you in/out But it did mean no residents were inadvertently let out.

She's had very little time to settle so I wouldn't worry too much. Everywhere will have an external door, ( or a series of doors) .

Is upstairs a good idea? How is she on stairs? Will that present just another hazard?

 

[Babymare01]

Like Jessbow has said mums last CH was secured by a keycode known only by the staff. Yes a Faff and you had to wait but when explained to me I fully understood the reasoning and was grateful because mum was a wanderer. Some of the residents could be very plausible asking to go out
Its early days yet but maybe worth thinking over the homes suggestion of moving her upstairs for her safety. The wandering phase will pass.

XXX