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Really need advice to protect Dad from financial disaster

Lucinda33

Registered User
Jul 17, 2020
11
Hi, I am new to the forum and would really welcome any advice on how to protect my Father and my family.

We first noticed a change in Dad's behaviour/personality in 2015, he became very grumpy, stopped seeing his friends and became generally disinterested in life, he was 75 at the time. In 2016 he started to make really silly financial decisions resulting in him spending vast amounts of money unnecessarily, he lost all empathy and started to say nasty and hurtful things to me, my husband and more upsettingly our daughter who was only 9 at the time. Up until then we had always been a very close loving family, Dad was my best friend and he absolutely adored his grandaughter. He finally went to the doctors in August 2016 and they put him on anti depressants (Sertraline and then Mirtazapine) he had a adverse reaction to these becoming far more aggressive and angry with a gated jawline. The doctors changed the anti-depressant and they did seem to have a bit of a calming effect on his anger, but he still goes from being angry/frustrated to not with it to almost normal and this pattern has continued to this day. The doctors then referred him to a geriatric psychiatrist in 2017 as he wasn't getting better. The psychiatrist suspected Lewy Body Dementia but she couldn't get Dad to have the DAT scan so the diagnoses has remained as depression. He managed to convince her that he was much better and back to his normal self in 2019 so he doesn't have to see her anymore.

Dad retired 23 years ago and I have always run our joint business and dealt with everything for him so he could enjoy his retirement. He put in place a power of attorney so I could do everything 24 years ago. He has now decided that he wants to revoke the POA as he doesn't want me to be able to "control his life" and he wants to be put on the deeds to our house as he believes that I will die before him and he doesn't want our daughter/his granddaughter to inherit, he wants to. He is also saying that he needs to update his will and we won't know who he has left things to until he has gone (we are his only family).

Having had no involvement in our business for 23 years he now wants to control everything and has told me I cannot make any decisions without him. He is making phone calls to companies I have used for years saying that they must not deal with me, only him. I have had several calls advising me that he has rang them in a angry state criticising them.

I have thought about going back to the doctors to try and get a proper diagnoses but again he would have to agree to see them, and he won't as he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.

I need to protect him but I just don't know how, any advice greatly welcomed.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,605
Essex
Dear @Lucinda33,

I think you should go to the doctors on your own and tell them what's been happening and then ask the doctor to see your dad on another medical condition. I know it is difficult with the pandemic but ideally it would be good if the doctor could come to your dad's house. If not try to get him to the doctors with a love lie.

Good luck

MaNaAk
 

Lucinda33

Registered User
Jul 17, 2020
11
Dear MaNaAK

Thank you so much.

I have spoken to the doctors on many occasions over the past 4 years advising them of Dad's behaviour change/personality change/cognitive decline and the various falls and injuries he has had but the diagnoses has still not come.

They have advised me that they don't have any tablets to help and I should just get myself away as much as possible. I think they thought that by referring Dad to the geriatric psychiatrist that we would get the correct diagnosis but Dad did not allow me to go to any of the meetings, so she did not have all the facts.

I guess I will try again.

Many thanks.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,778
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Lucinda33 I agree with @MaNaAk that you need to let your dad’s GP know what’s been happening and see if he can be called in for a “well man check-up” and hopefully the GP can do other tests while he is there to see if he thinks you’re dealing with dementia. I think it sounds like you are.

I think you have to let everyone involved that your dad is having problems and ask them to refer all instructions from your dad to you (without letting him know they’re doing this) for confirmation. Hopefully this will limit the damage he can do.

In the meantime if your dad gets insistent on doing unwise things don’t say “ no”to him but say “yes but...” followed by a reason it can’t be done until later (later never comes). The success of this tactic depends on how good or bad his memory is.

I found this thread very helpful while I was caring for my dad:

 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,434
South coast
I think they thought that by referring Dad to the geriatric psychiatrist that we would get the correct diagnosis but Dad did not allow me to go to any of the meetings, so she did not have all the facts.
I always write a letter to any doctor that OH is seeing and make sure that the doctor sees it before they see OH - either by handing it in, or posting it in. That way i can explain what i am seeing , because I know that OH has no idea about most of his problems and will deny them.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,356
Hi @Lucinda33 my mother in law often used to say that she would revoked the POA to my husband and I , or change her will . We never got into an argument over this, we simply ignored it. My husband used to say that when she had done this, to let him know . Of course, she never did this as she simply didn't have the capacity to undertake all the steps to do any of it .I used to always let anyone that my mother in law had any dealings with , whether, doctors, care staff, volunteers, that she was ill and to always deal with me . I used to put this in writing as far as possible and if possible to be at any appointments. I had no qualms about this , as far as I was concerned , she needed help and if that made her care needs more obvious then so be it. As far as my mother in law was concerned , she was doing just fine, the reality was she could do little for herself.
 

Lucinda33

Registered User
Jul 17, 2020
11
Thank you to everyone, i am already feeling stronger and able to deal with each day.

How is it best to deal with the worry of Dad making silly decisions on everyday activities that could cause him harm. He constantly leaves things in the garden that he could trip over, and we have had a few falls due to this already. There are many more situations that we have had that simply by luck haven't caused problems.

Obviously I cannot stop him from doing exactly as he wishes, but I just want to keep him safe and I feel that I am letting him down.

Thats the worst feeling really, that I am not doing enough to protect him.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,434
South coast
Thats the worst feeling really, that I am not doing enough to protect him.
I think we all feel like that, however much we are doing. The problem is that dementia is not "fixable", so its never going to be enough.

You can only work out what you can do, and do that.
 

Lucinda33

Registered User
Jul 17, 2020
11
Thank you. I thought I was getting better at not trying to stop any disasters, but I am still trying to explain to Dad the pitfalls of his actions, very stupidly, as it simply makes him more angry.

It is just so hard when he seems to be doing most things simply to provoke a reaction from me so he can vent more anger at me. His main plan at the moment seems to be to prove that I haven't done a good job of running our business for the past 23 years. He has completely dismissed the fact that he retired 23 years ago and has been living life to the full (until he became ill) and I really hoped that he would continue doing so as he had worked so hard. We are a million miles from how are relationship used to be and I know I will never have a normal conversation with him ever again, I know I said goodbye to him a good four years ago, but when I sit opposite him at the table and he still looks like Dad it is impossible to distance myself and not get upset by the awful things he says. He would be absolutely mortified at the things he has said and done if it was still him.
 

Lucinda33

Registered User
Jul 17, 2020
11
We are experiencing a big increase in Dad's anger levels which normally only last for a couple of days at a time, but this time it has carried on for about a fortnight now.

I am wondering if he has stopped taking the anti depressant and whether this would have an effect on his anger levels. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this ?

Any advice greatly appreciated.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,434
South coast
Please be careful, if his rage is increasing it could spill over into actual violence.
Please dont ague with him, or try and explain - its a red rag to an already angry bull.
I think it would be a good idea to contact his GP or Community Psychiatric Team (if you can) and tell them about the increasing levels of rage and aggression.
 

Lucinda33

Registered User
Jul 17, 2020
11
Thank you Canary.
I must admit, it is quite scary. We had a similar level of anger at the very start when there was a reaction to the anti depressant that he had been put on.

I will contact the GP to let them know.

Thank you.