really at rock bottom

[jackwilson]

I really feel as though im at the lowest point I can go, my husband was sectioned in December and straight from there in he went to a ch, but since being there I have noticed the decline in him and although he recognises me as his wife that's as far as it goes, he is now fixated with another female on the unit and they have been found together 3 times [that I know of] in each others room both half undressed and there is no doubt what they had in mind. today I got the call to say it had happened for the 3rd
time and I am ashamed to say I drove the 2 hour round trip to let him know what its doing to me as his wife, I even made him take his wedding ring off and wouldn't give it back and told him if that's who he wants then shes welcome as I refuse to be with a cheating lying b*****d, even as I was with him he left me to go and sit with her and I lost it completely with the pair of them. he doesn't even realise he is causing me so much pain. I know its the illness but I cannot condone it, I just cant say its ok hes sick, hes my husband and I married him in sickness and in health but how do I cope with all this, I feel as though my whole world has been ripped apart and I don't know where to turn, i said to the manager that he has to be moved to another ch I cant sleep or eat worrying and thinking of it all, if I close my eyes I picture it and if he stays there im just waiting for the next phone call, they said they will move her if possible to the unit upstairs so they are apart from each other, but in my heart the damage has been done how can I act normal with him and pretend it never happened. this illness is horrific, it doesn't only take the person with the disease but destroys the whole marriage. if it was my father or brother I could say 'its the disease' and make excuses but when its my husband it feels as though my world has collapsed around me and I have nothing to hold onto anymore, every tiny little piece that I cling onto is being snatched away and nothing is left for me to hold and cherish ever again.

 

[Izzy]

Oh JW I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I can imagine I would feel the same as you do. I know it 's the disease but it must be heartbreaking. I don't know what to suggest. If you trust the home to try to sort it out I suppose you will just have to stick with it. I hope someone is along soon to offer some advice from their own experience.

 

[Witzend]

How dreadfully upsetting for you - I'm so sorry. I do hope someone will have some helpful advice for you.

 

[benny]

Oh I feel for you so much, sorry don't know what to say but just my thoughts are with you! Do take care of yourself

 

[Onlyme]

I would feel exactly as you do. Even though we know that it isn't them it feels like they have raised two fingers to us and left the relationship.

I am so very sorry that you have to put up with this heartbreak. Take sometime out and let things settle for a while before you go back in again.

 

[zeeeb]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it must be like a knife in your heart twisting and going even deeper than you ever imagined it could. After all your heart has had to endure already. I must say though, as a practical matter. Moving care homes may not be the answer. He may do it again, because he's obviously looking for companionship, and there will be lonely, bored women in any care home, so it could well be, just more stress and more work for you, and it may not resolve the problem, but create other problems.

I don't know what to say to you, it would certainly make you question your unfailing commitment over the years, and he doesn't even have the slightest inkling that he's caused you so much pain.

 

[FifiMo]

I am actually surprised at how the care home have managed this. Did they not consider the effect it would have on you? They know it is the illness that is causing this and they know nothing happened, so why not just tell you your husband has made a friend and they are monitoring them both. I'm sorry, but this has been made worse by the care home's handling of things. They're the ones to blame here and not your husband. He at least has an illness that explains his actions, as devastating as the effect has had on you.

Maybe have a word with your GP and see if you can get some counselling to support you and help you through this.

Fiona

 

[lilysmybabypup]

I really feel as though im at the lowest point I can go, my husband was sectioned in December and straight from there in he went to a ch, but since being there I have noticed the decline in him and although he recognises me as his wife that's as far as it goes, he is now fixated with another female on the unit and they have been found together 3 times [that I know of] in each others room both half undressed and there is no doubt what they had in mind. today I got the call to say it had happened for the 3rd
time and I am ashamed to say I drove the 2 hour round trip to let him know what its doing to me as his wife, I even made him take his wedding ring off and wouldn't give it back and told him if that's who he wants then shes welcome as I refuse to be with a cheating lying b*****d, even as I was with him he left me to go and sit with her and I lost it completely with the pair of them. he doesn't even realise he is causing me so much pain. I know its the illness but I cannot condone it, I just cant say its ok hes sick, hes my husband and I married him in sickness and in health but how do I cope with all this, I feel as though my whole world has been ripped apart and I don't know where to turn, i said to the manager that he has to be moved to another ch I cant sleep or eat worrying and thinking of it all, if I close my eyes I picture it and if he stays there im just waiting for the next phone call, they said they will move her if possible to the unit upstairs so they are apart from each other, but in my heart the damage has been done how can I act normal with him and pretend it never happened. this illness is horrific, it doesn't only take the person with the disease but destroys the whole marriage. if it was my father or brother I could say 'its the disease' and make excuses but when its my husband it feels as though my world has collapsed around me and I have nothing to hold onto anymore, every tiny little piece that I cling onto is being snatched away and nothing is left for me to hold and cherish ever again.

I can hear the despair you're feeling, it is bad enough to lose a loving relationship to dementia, and we may be able to carry on after that loss, but you are feeling a loss and a betrayal. I know you are aware in your head that it isn't his fault, but your heart is breaking and you are experiencing very strong feelings.

The first thing to do is ask that the lady be moved if possible. But there is a very real chance that your husband may seek some comfort elsewhere anyway. He must be feeling quite lonely and missing the companionship he had with you. It must be so hard to forgive such a thing when you've been through so much with him, even though this behaviour is not unusual. Inappropriate affection of varying degrees is a fact for some dementia sufferers.

I am wondering whether you've taken part in any carers' support groups along the way? Forgive me, I'm unfamiliar with your situation up to this point. I really think you need to seek someone to help you. I'm sorry if that seems blunt of me to suggest but you sound utterly desperate and, while the wonderful people here are such a comfort and support, there are some things that go beyond this.

I think it would be wise to speak to someone you trust, whether it's your GP, call the Alzheimer's Society Helpline who may be able to refer you to a person who specialises in dementia counselling, or speak to the Social Worker. It's important that you seek some real help before it escalates any further.

Forgive me if I'm being too blunt or alarmist but you are truly sounding at the end of your rope and perhaps past the point of merely needing to vent.

Take care,
Stephanie, xxx

 

[stanleypj]

I think we can all understand how you feel. It must have shocked you to the core. It's bad enough that he has dementia, now this.

You've had some very good advice so far. The one thing I would say to you is that if you have loved and valued him, as I think you must have done from your reaction, you would do well to think through what has happened so far and see whether it has actually helped you in any way to resolve the situation. It is completely understandable that you raged at him, took the ring away and called him a cheating lying *******. But has it helped you, or him?

He's been sectioned and is in decline. In all probability, even though he recognises you as his wife (which you want him to do, I expect) he has no idea what is going on in his life. You know it's the illness and not him. Keep telling yourself that and thinking about what it means.

The best thing is probably for you to do nothing until you have given yourself time and space to come to terms with this horrific situation and until you have, with help from others, some kind of plan as to your future actions.

It's easy for me to say this, I know. If I were in your situation I may well have acted in a similar way. As you say, it's a horrific disease.

 

[Margaret938]

I felt so sad when I read your story, I can't imagine what your are going through. My husband was sectioned last year for 5 weeks, and I saw him going downhill when they increased the anti psychotic drug, I was furious that they began giving two a day the minute he went into the hospital. I feel that instead of trying to stabilize his drugs, they gave him more to quieten him down thus making their job a lot easier. I still feel very guilty about allowing this to happen. When he came home still on the same medication he had changed from a robust fit man to a shadow of his former self. I fought and fought to get his drugs reduced and finally did. However, I gave into pressure and he was admitted to a ch 4 weeks ago, his meds have been changed yet again and he seems to be responding well, at least some of the time ! I really feel for your predicament, I don't know what I would do, if George was showing affection for anyone else. I really look forward to my visits every day and make sure that I get plenty of cuddles and kisses from him, I tell him all the time how much I love him, my life would be, like yours, totally unbearable if I did not have this to look forward to. I just can't get my life together without him in the house, the visits are all I have to keep me going just now. Surely the manager in the CH should see that this is all wrong and do something about it asap. What kind of a place is it?
to let this happen under their noses. I would go above the managers head and get all of this nipped in the bud. If you don't mind me asking what age is your husband and is this awful illness which has robbed you both of a happy life Alzheimer's Disease?
Please keep in touch,
Margaret

 

[Rosie Webros]

Oh dear, I really feel for you. I wish there was something I could say to help, it must be an awful situation for you. I agree with previous comments that you could perhaps do with some help, talking to your GP or someone at the Alzheimer's Society may help. When Alzheimer's rears it's ugly head we are always told just ignore what they say and do it is the disease and not your loved one. But this is so hard to take on board. You have to try and hold on to the person they used to be and that is so difficult. I also agree that the care home has to take some responsibility for what is happening. Surely they can keep an eye on this and try to keep them apart somehow. Then over time perhaps you could try and accept that it was the disease and not your husband. I do wish you all the best and keep us posted. Take care Rosie xx

 

[Grannie G]

I too feel for you.

There is nothing I can say to make it better and I doubt the wisdom of risking the upheaval of a move to a different home if the same is likely to happen again.

The hurt must be terrible. xx

 

[rajahh]

I feel the ch are adding to your pain. Why do they ring you and tell you?

I had a similar situation and yet dissimilar at the same time.

My husband rarely knows me as his wife and yet he sometimes makes advances . I struggle with the concept of betrayal, as if I allowed him to carry on with the advance, who does he think I am. He does know he is married, but just not to me.

First time it happened I cried all night.

I do feel your pain.

I have counselling so was able to pour my heart out to her and I have now "got over" those feelings. Thankfully my husband has quietened down now.

We truly never know what this disease is going to come up with next.

Sending love. Jeannette

 

[tre]

I understand your feelings completely. It must be absolutely devastating. My husband once woke up in the night and started to become agitated. I held his hand, reassuring him and stroking his face which normally works to calm him down but on this one occasion it did not work and he told me, much as he liked me, he had a wife and young child and I must leave the house now. There was no reasoning with him, but he cannot be left, so I went into the adjacent bedroom keeping awake to see if he settled. He went back to sleep but I was distraught. I spent the whole night weeping. In the morning he fell into the normal routine as if it had never happened and it has not happened again since but it was like a knife in my heart.

What is happening with your husband is so much worse and yes I know it is the illness but how could you not feel emotional about this?

I am so sorry,

love Tre

 

[winda]

I am so sorry you are having this problem JW, but I agree with others that it could be managed much better by the CH.

I would speak to the manager and get him/her to see how much this is upsetting you and that you need them to put an end to it. They should be able to handle this. Meanwhile I would visit a little less until it is sorted.

But although I know it must be painful for you, your husband would not have behaved like this when he was well. It is an indication of how ill he is.

I also agree with others that it would be good for you to get some counselling to help you through this.

I have to say that I would have felt the same as you if my late husband had behaved similarly.

Thinking of you.

 

[jackwilson]

many many thanks

many thanks to each and every reply, first of all I would like to say ive been up all last night couldn't sleep a wink 1st thing today I rang and got an appointment within an hour for councelling and another appointment for next week, then at 4 oclock saw gp so I feel ive taken a small step forward admitting to myself I need help. my husband is 63 and the doctors said they think this is at least 8 years ongoing maybe more, it is bvftd. I have always said to the ch I need to know everything that happens to him while he is in their care and I stand by that. I know all this is due to the dementia, but it does not stop the feelings of betrayal and despair. the lady in question has been moved today to the unit upstairs from so they will never come into contact, but he has spent the day walking the corridors looking and asking for her and continually trying to locate her, which saddens me no end as [through no fault of his own] hes not looking for me. every time I visit him I tell him how much I miss him and love him but yesterday looking into his eyes I knew without a doubt my husband is no longer there and it almost feels as though it was the day he died for me.

 

[lilysmybabypup]

many thanks to each and every reply, first of all I would like to say ive been up all last night couldn't sleep a wink 1st thing today I rang and got an appointment within an hour for councelling and another appointment for next week, then at 4 oclock saw gp so I feel ive taken a small step forward admitting to myself I need help. my husband is 63 and the doctors said they think this is at least 8 years ongoing maybe more, it is bvftd. I have always said to the ch I need to know everything that happens to him while he is in their care and I stand by that. I know all this is due to the dementia, but it does not stop the feelings of betrayal and despair. the lady in question has been moved today to the unit upstairs from so they will never come into contact, but he has spent the day walking the corridors looking and asking for her and continually trying to locate her, which saddens me no end as [through no fault of his own] hes not looking for me. every time I visit him I tell him how much I miss him and love him but yesterday looking into his eyes I knew without a doubt my husband is no longer there and it almost feels as though it was the day he died for me.

I'm so sorry you have had an awful sleepless night, but very glad to hear you have sought some help to deal with such a difficult situation. Good for you, it may often feel like defeat and giving up, seeking such help, but actually, it's a strong and brave thing to do, so, again, good for you!!

I'm glad that the woman in question has been moved and the CH acted quickly in doing so. It must have felt like such a blow to have him looking for someone else, and not knowing you are the one who has stuck by him through such terrible, terrible circumstances. We know you are the one he pledged to love, back when he had the capacity to make such a choice. Please remember that, he has no real choice and his decisions are based in the fantasy that dementia creates, not the reality we know to be true. He chose you, when his mind was sharp and clear, so that is where the love of his life resides, not in a care home, you.

Please don't think that he will continue to behave this way for the duration of his illness, because it's highly likely this will pass. Every time I despaired for the particular behaviour my dad was displaying, driving my mum and myself crazy, it would soon stop. It may have been replaced by something equally frustrating, but, in your case, it probably won't be something quite so devastating.

Yes, it certainly is such a heartbreak, and each new phase is like starting the grieving all over again. But still, they are with us, and we know that the real moment of loss is really yet to come. Try to look forward to the time when this passes and, while he still may not know who you are, he will accept the affection and love you still have to give him.

Take care, and good on you again for acting and seeking help.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[winda]

I agree with Stephanie that this will be a phase which will pass.

My husband went through a phase of having 'relationships' with pictures of beautiful women he found in magazines. He would ask me if I minded. I would say that I didn't.
But it made me realise how ill he was and how much I had 'lost' him. It was like living with a stranger. The phase did pass eventually.

I know this is not the same as having a 'relationship' with a real person but I can understand how betrayed you feel.

I hope your husband will soon forget about this and you can experience a more pleasant time together if only for a while.

Thinking of you.

 

[Izzy]

Thinking of you too. I agree with what Stephanie has written and hope this phase passes soon. Take care. X

 

[Big Effort]

Intellectual understanding vs Emotional Torture

Dear Jackwilson,

I cannot think of any more cruel situation to be in. I feel for you. Yes, it is the dementia showing its ugly face - you understand that intellectually for sure. But how to deal with the emotional trauma is a whole different ball game. I observe there are a few of us here, currently dealing with the harmful effects of ongoing, unresolvable, emotional trauma. Unresolvable in that the dementia makes it so, and we are only human.

every time I visit him I tell him how much I miss him and love him but yesterday looking into his eyes I knew without a doubt my husband is no longer there and it almost feels as though it was the day he died for me.

For me it is undoubtably easier as I am dealing with my mother, who is 86. My emotional pain comes from the 'normal' side effects of losing ones mental faculties, and Mum is more and more dependent as I have to 'do all her thinking for her' (as Mary Newark so aptly describes it). I find thinking for her when she had such a fine intellect incredibly emotionally painful - and the knife twists deep and often.

For you, with all the betrayal (intended or not), the wounds are horrific, and I agree the home must do everything it can to protect you from further harm.

And I so totally relate to your quote above. Looking into his eyes, and knowing the man you married is no longer resident, or very little of him, is another notch in the emotional torture chain. This is going on for me with Mum, and I suffer too.

We all need to put our heads together to find ways of dealing healthily with this emotional torture. As not only do we have dementia to deal with, a heavy load, we also have our own mental processes, and the emotional turmoil can be very shocking. I wonder for all of us, about the long term effects of this.

Sorry I have no solution, but just wanted to show solidarity. I wish you peace of mind more than anything else. For myself too. I am alone with Mum today, and all manner of upsetting things (to me, not her) can issue forth at any moment.

Hugs and gentle days ahead, love BE