Reality is somewhat different!

[CollegeGirl]

You know, I spend such a lot of time on TP, reading, asking questions, trying to offer support, advice and ideas to others, researching, asking for help and support for myself and receiving some great responses that I'm extremely grateful for.

Yet when I'm actually in mam's company, a lot of it goes out the window. My stomach knots up, my anxiety levels increase, I don't know how to react when she's being nasty, I can feel myself getting upset and often quite simply forget any advice that's been given to me (and if I do happen to remember, sadly it often has no effect).

I feel, sometimes, that I'm all mouth and no trousers, if you know what I mean.

The only time I feel sure of what to do is those times when she's upset. My instincts tell me to hug her, hold her tight, kiss her and reassure her, let her know she'll never be on her own. Whatever she needs to hear, I know to say it.

I find myself wishing that she'd be upset more often, rather than nasty or aggressive or excessively clingy towards dad (the latest phase), just so that I would know what to do. But I don't want my mam to be upset.

Not sure why I'm posting this, really. I don't think there are any answers. But it's good to get it out. Thanks for listening.

 

[ellejay]

I know what you mean CG, with me it's like I'm not bad at the theory, but the practical I'm rubbish at

I can manage the constant repetition ( I answer on auto pilot after a while) I hope kindly. The upset I find difficult, it sounds awful written down, but mum & I have never done hugs & there is still a "constraint" between us.

The hardest is when she starts with the " It's not fair" & the spiteful tongue. I try to sooth , ignore & not take personally, but I feel the annoyance & irritation inside myself & have to make a big effort to stay & "do the right thing" (whatever that is )

You have a very difficult path you're trying to walk, don't be so hard on yourself

Lin x

 

[Varandas]

It is heartbreaking to see the 'nasty' side of our loved ones.
I can only say from my experience that it is a phase. It will pass!
It is not easy to stay calm and remember all text books and advise given.
It is like you feel stronger when you can comfort and reassure her and maybe tomorrow there will be a change and she'll always have you there to comfort and reassure her.
If only we could be reassured ourselves!
Hang on and Courage

 

[CollegeGirl]

Lin - Yes, theory/practical, that's exactly how I feel. Written down solutions sound so good, useful and plausible, then when I try them with mam, she comes out with or does something so totally unexpected that it floors me. Again. Every time. Or so it feels. I'm sorry you are foing through similar emotions, and yet I'm glad it's not just me. I often feel other people are so much better at this than me.

They often pop round on a Saturday and I'm already getting anxious. A headache has just started deep inside my head, I'm sure it's tension.

Mam would not want this, I know it. I wish she was here.

Varandas - thank you, we cross posted. Thanks for your reassurances.

 

[Anongirl]

I know exactly what you mean CG.

The only difference is that my mum only gets angry when she's confused and frustrated upto now. I find it harder to deal with her tears and feeling down. My reaction is to try and cheer her up rather than put my arms around her, I don't really know why. Perhaps it's because we've never been a very huggy family. In fact mum is probably the only one who actually is demonstrative in that way. Another reason is if I do I often start crying myself and that would make things worse! I do hug my children though and so intend to do that for as long as they will let me

I know how I'm supposed to act towards certain behaviours but I certainly don't always practice it. I've argued, I've corrected and lots of the other things that you're not supposed to do.

When I'm in mum's company I often feel the same, stomach in knots, anxiety. It's hard to always react in what is considered the right way.

In summary I'm all mouth and no trousers too!

 

[Dumbly]

It is good to know that other people understand what you are going through. I am not seeing my mum today. My husband and the NH manager said we all (me, dad, sister) must have some time off and it's my turn this weekend. However, switching off is not easy. Like you, I listen to all the advice and then when I visit my mum and see her sitting there in the communal lounge in her wheelchair unable to move herself anywhere unless someone takes her (and then where to?), I think how can I not go in every day to give her an hour of pleasure at seeing me. Then when I leave her all upset and anxious because I can't take her with me, the knot in my stomach forms again and I feel so unbelievable depressed. My teenage son said yesterday (when I asked him why he didn't smile much) that it was because I was always so miserable and talking about granny all the time and didn't give him any reason to smile! It's so hard to be cheerful when someone you love is suffering so much and you can't do anything about it. I shouldn't be on TP today. I should be switching off completely but I am trying to find some hope that my mum will settle down in the NH but I know she won't.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Oh Dumbly, I'm so sorry. It's very very hard, isn't it? But one thing that did strike me was that your mum gets pleasure from your visit. That's so precious. I know that it must make it hard to leave, but at least she has enjoyed your time together. Unfortunately my mam gets no pleasure now from me and my husband. She gets very little pleasure from her two granddaughters either. I think it's because she doesn't know who we all are, now, and the only scrap of pleasure from my two girls is that because they are young. But now they're not children any more, she is barely interested in them.

AG, perhaps that's why my mam gets angry, too. Perhaps she is feeling confused and frustrated too. They did pop round, as I thought they would. She didn't want to be here and kept trying to drag dad out. Told me to go away, she didn't want a cuppa, but she drank a cuppa and ate a cake, but I could take that away cos she didn't want it. I'd made them a casserole a couple of days ago and dad was returning the dish. When hubby took it off him, she got very angry because she thought hubby was stealing it. I'd bought some new trousers for dad to try on her and he was bringing them all back because they weren't suitable, and she didn't like that either. It seemed to set her off and it was a bad visit. I asked her a question, calling her 'mam' and asked it several times, louder and louder, with no reaction from her. I didn't know whether she was deliberately ignoring me, couldn't hear me, or whether she didn't know she was 'mam' so I asked her it again using her name, and she turned and responded (with a nasty comment). So that answers that. She no longer recognises me as her mam. I've suspected it for a while.

The last few times I've seen her she was less hostile to me and I thought the phase was maybe starting to pass, but today wasn't good. It has been worse though.

I don't know about mam being confused, but I certainly am

 

[Anongirl]

CG, I'm not sure there are any words of comfort in all this. From the beginning of this nightmare (I can't bring myself to use the word "journey") one of my very worst fears has been that my mum will forget me. I can't bear the thought. I can completely understand why you feel the way you do.

At the start I read posts on here and thought "my mum would never do that, never behave like that" but what the past year has taught me is that every day is different in dementia, recently every hour is different. Is it any wonder we are so confused?

No words of wisdom. I know you'd know it was bull even if I could come up with anything!

Big virtual ((hug)) though X

 

[CollegeGirl]

Aw thank you AG, it's appreciated. I was watching mam yesterday and wondering where she's gone. What's going on in her mind? Who does she think we are?

Hubby went round to help dad set up their new telly last night, and while he was there mam kicked him. She's taken a real dislike to him recently. We have a small problem in that my husband has the same name as my dad. This has never really been an issue before but now it can cause a lot of confusion.

One light moment while they were visiting was that mam said something nasty at one point and dad asked her who she was talking about. "Oh, Jim and Jam over there," she said, nodding to where hubby and I were sitting on the sofa. We all burst out laughing, we couldn't help it. Sometimes we need to laugh, don't we?

 

[Anongirl]

Your husband must be very understanding and tolerant! Just got an image of your husband bending down and your mum kicking his bottom !

On Weds this week I pulled up outside mum's house to drop her off and she said "who lives here?". Mortified I turned to her to see her smiling "only kidding!" she said and started laughing.

She never discusses her dementia or the problems it presents. She appears to have no insight into it and yet she can crack a joke like that?! It's exhausting keeping up!

Hope you have a peaceful day xxx

 

[steffie60]

to true CG keeping a sense of humour is essential