1. Bambini

    Bambini Registered User

    Sep 8, 2014
    Are random arguments all part of this awful disease? Every other day my mum seems to find something to get really angry about which always ends up with her telling me how horrible and nasty I am. Not trying to look for sympathy or have a whinge but be good to know if this is a normal course of events. Thinking of all those dealing with far worse than me and thank you for reading x

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  2. Peegee

    Peegee Registered User

    Jan 22, 2015
    Hi, I'm afraid I don't have answer. I am quite new to this horrible dementia. My mum only in moderate stages. But I'm sure that if her behaviour is different than before then it must be another aspect of this rotten disease. It's terrible to have to think this, but as my mum is 94 I'm hoping that dementia won't be the death of her and that she won't have to go through some of the terrible things I've been reading about on talking point. Sorry I haven't any answers but just wanted to respond to your post.
  3. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Registered User

    Jul 2, 2012
    South West France
    Oh yes. My Mum would often pick fights with me over silly things. I do think it's the disease as, although she could be a bit waspish before, she was never quite so argumentative. Even when I'm agreeing with her, she can turn on me.
  4. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    Before any of us knew mam was developing Alzheimer's, she used to have terrible rows - screaming matches apparently - with my dad. This was unusual behaviour, not the norm and dad had no idea what was going on.

    Only as things progressed did it dawn on him that it had been the start of her illness. At the time I knew nothing of this - dad didn't tell me until fairly recently, understandably not wanting to share what he thought were private marital problems with their daughter.

    So I would say that yes, rows could well be due to the frustration that your mum is feeling due the limitations her dementia is placing upon her.

    Not sure if this is helpful or not, but I hope it makes you feel a bit better.
  5. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Building up anger then letting it all go in a big row does seem to be a feature of the disease, I know if my wife goes quiet and stops talking to or laughing at the TV or radio she's going to kick off. I've learned to spot the signs and head it off with a distraction, some times it's as simple as suggesting going into the kitchen for a coffee and a biscuit which takes her mind off whatever she was thinking, if I miss the early signs and she slides into the vortex of despair then it gets harder. The thing is to never argue back that only fans the flames.
  6. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Mum was always a mild mannered, quiet spoken woman, and doesn't really display anger, or argue with us children, or her own siblings, but now displays annoyance or takes offence if she misunderstands something.

    Mum with AD & Dad with MCI, do however argue alot now over petty things, and mainly because Dad has no coping skills with Mum. It is beyond pointless to teach him any now.
    Have tried telling him about using distraction but Mums arguments are a red rag to a bull. I often feel like their referee.
    Their main argument at the moment is Mum wanting to go away on holiday.
    My sister took them to her holiday home for 5 days to see if this would help, but No she is back to hounding Dad about it.
    Dad would have no patience, or confidence to take Mum away on holiday, and unfortunately between us working, children etc its hard for us to get time off to take them away.
  7. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    I would like to agree with the others. My husband hardly has a kind word to say to me these days, and it is very wearing:( He has just accused me of getting rid of his pillows. He has a favourite one which I just wouldn't dare throwing out, but apparently the ones on his bed aren't his! A torrent of abuse followed, but it's OK, he will find something else to swear at me for soon.
    Bring on the cure!!!!!!!
  8. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    I'd say definitely that arguments are a feature, sadly :(

    We often find that Mil is very 'confrontational' and deliberately provocative - a complete change from pre-dementia. Like Kevin, we can often spot the signs and try to distract - though not always successfully, I admit!

    I think that mostly, she seeks out/starts arguments because of frustration at her situation - she gets cross when she struggles to do something, gets cross when she finds she needs help, gets cross at the loss of control and independence - and expressing that frustration by way of causing/starting an argument is her way of 'kicking the cat', so to speak. That frustration is often fuelled by the delusions and confused memories, that often provide her with her justification for the rows, and the whole situation is made worse again by her loss of ability to consider anyone/anything other than herself and what she wants. Its very 'toddler' like, I often think, and trying to reason with her is just like trying to reason with a 3 year old - albeit one who has a pretty good volcabulary and who can be very eloquent, in Mils case!

    So, we try to distract, and if that doesn't work we go to 'I'm sorry you feel like that, but I am not prepared to discus it', and walk away. She is very clever at trying to start up the row again, but we try to stick to responding with that exact comment and not to be drawn in - and thats a lot easier to type out than it is to do, I'm afraid, as she can go to extremes to get a response, and I am not always very good at following my own advice :eek:
  9. Mancray

    Mancray Registered User

    Apr 28, 2014
    Yeah i think so dads had dementia now about 4 years was always a happy person never had a bad word to say about anyone but over the last year has got very nasty shouting hitting out for a 59 year old man he is very strong and seems to be daily now so yeah think it is the dementia that makes them turn

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  10. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    SEEKS OUT ARGUMENTS. That describes it exactly Ann Mac. Among other things I'm invited to debate how why or if the curtains should be arranged almost every evening, and even if I say I'm happy with whatever you do, somehow it always becomes confrontational. Walking away or saying I don't want to talk about it any more simply doesn't work...he MUST provoke me...

    I wonder if anyone has found a way to avoid this..
  11. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    I certainly haven't, Anne - there are times when it feels impossible. Though the refusal to discus works a lot of the time, its the occasional 'extremes' she goes to that get me. I can't ignore when she tries to draw my kids into a row, though the older ones are more than capable of coping and don't let it upset them, it does upset me. And if she starts banging on windows and doors, she invariably ends up badly bruised at the least, or with a skin tear - so if that goes on for more than a few moments, then to prevent injury, we have to respond. And that is what she wants - a response that she can 'get her teeth into' and use to continue her temper!

    I know the feeling of nothing you say being enough to difuse the situation - at her worst no matter how much we agree, Mil is very capable of doing a complete U-turn and changing what she has said, so that all of a sudden the 'agreeing' we think we have done becomes us arguing with her. Lol - even had her turn our agreeing with her into us not really agreeing - we are just saying we do to patronise/take the p.../try to wind her up!

    Its so exhausting :(
  12. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    It's almost as though they need the adrenalin rush...I think my husband feels he can think more clearly when he's angry, so he seeks out anger. And when he's angry he does seem to be more articulate. But what a price to pay! After he's had what can best be described as a tantrum he's usually quiter and more peaceful for a while.

    Poor man, it must be hell for him, as well as for us.
  13. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    I am so glad (if that's the appropriate term) to see that others have this argument problem. Yes, it is exhausting isn't it. Lex seems to be able to turn any 'discussion' around to be my fault, even if I haven't uttered a word. He sulks if I don't want to go out 'for a drive' a 'drink at the Club' or any other thing he dreams up. I am starting to see a huge increase in petrol and housekeeping expenses. I don't begrudge a the occasional beer, but it's getting ridiculous.
  14. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    I agree finding something to argue about seems to part of the dementia progression. My mother (88) accuses us all of letting her starve because we cancelled her lunch club twice a week when it has always been only 3 days. She has fridge and cupboards full of food but she has always hated cookiing, even heating up in the microwave, prefering to eat out at lunch club or supermarket cafes for over 30 years. She wont have Meals on Wheels either, so our visits and phone calls consist of mainly persuading her to eat even just a cake or ready made sandwich and promising she will be back at her lunch club the next day.We also take her for fish and chips weekly.

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