Dear Snuffy, this is every carer's fear.
As a carer the DHSS only give you 8 weeks after the person you cared for dies to sort yourself out. I have had a monumental battle with social services and I hadn't even sorted out my mother's affairs. I was to make myself "available for work" (that was the letter I got 8 weeks to the very day mum died) considering I have been a carer for the past 17 years, and been suffering panic attacks and agoraphobia because of it, this wasn't as easy as it looks on paper. I finally resolved everything but it was a nightmare and I am now a carer for dad (back to square one but so far without Alzheimer's).
I get married in 10 weeks and will have to move my new husband in to live with us. I love dad dearly but at 39 this wasn't my fairytale. The siblings haven't come near us since mum died, I have no time with my fiance as dad has to go everywhere with us. I have one sibling whom doesn't speak to me at all because I wouldn't let him bury mum when my father's wishes were for her to be cremated. He made my mother's funeral a nightmare when he instructed my neices to ignore me, I was crucified on the worst day of my life for nursing my mother for all those years and fighting for my father's wishes to be carried out after her death. Neither of the other 2 siblings stood up for me, they just looked the other way and didn't want involved in the argument. When dad dies they will rip me apart for the house, dad is reluctant to make a will so I know exactly what my future will hold. More fighting. There have already been a few comments as to what happened to my mum's jewellery! Dad gave it to me and now I feel like I should be giving them some of it. Mum didn't make a will either!
This is the reality of being a carer, we save the state millions of pounds but we are non entities to our families, the government and it seems everyone else. Being a carer is a mug's game, but it's out of love we do it. The only good thing that comes out of all of this is that we know we've done our time and given it our all and I for one have no regrets. I would do it all again tomorrow but that doesn't change the fact that carers need more back up than this and we are given no help at all when a loved one dies.
Making a will is very important to a carer but you can't force people can you?
Good luck snuffy. I wish there was something I could say to help. Being a carer before and after is the toughest job in the world. You don't expect the awful stuff that happens afterwards and there is only sympathy for a very short time. People have the attitude you should be relieved in some way. The truth is I miss caring for mum, she was like my baby. My life has been turned upside down too. I never expected to be treated like a criminal by the government and by my siblings, this has been such a terrible, horrible time but I'm still standing snuffy and so are you. You will find that same strength that carried you through caring for your mum. Use it snuffy. We carers have to have a fighting spirit, keep going day by day. Opportunities will open up to you, nothing stays the same forever.
Stay strong. Fight. Make a new life. You can do it. Look at the awful misery you've handle so far, look at the circumstances you have already overcome, not many could have stood it snuffy, you did. That makes you special. Use that special strength, only this time care for yourself. Put half the care you did into yourself that you did caring for your mother and the world will see a snuffy to be reckoned with! Good luck snuffs. x
