qubecks thread - alone too

PeggySmith

Registered User
Apr 16, 2012
1,683
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Hi Qubecks,
I've only just found your thread and want to send you a great big HUG:) No wonder you're struggling, it makes me SO MAD that you're being left to cope on your own.

Kassy said: "My suggestion to you is that you contact the Nottingham Branch of the Alzheimers society. Their outreach workers are wonderful. I think it would be a good idea to tell them what you have told us and you might be surprised as what help you might receive and the support in which to help you get it. You should not be caring 24/7 with no information or support at all. You should be in the system somewhere"

Could you try that as your first step?

It's not fair that I get so much help with my MIL and you get absolutely nothing at all. Even with the help we get, I have bad days but at least I can get on here and have a moan.

Good luck
Peggy
 

qubecks

Registered User
Jun 28, 2012
38
nottinghamshire
x


thank you kassy x been to the dentist this morning with mum, all is ok , it just happened to be the morning when my eldest sister pops by ? i did tell her earlier in the week we was going , when we got back home there was a bag on my door ? tv mag for mum, and 3 little cakes in a packet , so i rang to say thank you ~/ she said that she had been twice , on her way back from shopping and then again before she went to lunch with her friend , she also said that on monday she had taken her friend to hospital for a appointment ( her friend is a lot older than her ) here i go again ? makes me sad that she cant come and take mum out , im not going to beg her ? i dont want to fall out but i am getting really stressed over her and my other sister ? there is a big age jap, im 53 , the middle one is 60, then the eldest is 65 , we have the same mum, but different dads ? so my two sisters are close ? i do not know want the problem is between them and mum ? but surly whatever it is ? they should put it to one side ? mum needs all her three girls x after all this i have wrote , she still tells everyone she cannot help with mum because her husband is far too poorly ? yet she still goes places with other people ? but not her own mum ! they both have always said i was the favorite , i was the spoilt one , i was the pretie one ? sounds odd to me ~? the oldest one told me a few months ago ( that i had got the s.... end of the stick ) because mum lives with me , what a vile thing to say .she has lots of issues, still talks about her 2nd husband like shes with him still ? her husband now is unwell , but not has bad as she tells him he is ? he is starting to belive it now , hes not the man he was 12 yrs ago ? she seems to blame everything on mum, saying how bad she was ? i dont remember mum being bad / she and the other sister never lived with mum much ? i am only keeping the peace for mum , so when anything happens to mum i will have my say and then walk away from them both !they cannot treat mum in this way , someon said to me in the street ( if mum had 4 legs and barked at the postman they would give her attention ) so stange ? i love my mum and i will be here for her x and so should they .i have these words on my kitchen wall " KARMA " NO need for REVENGE , just sit back and wait. THOSE who HURT you will scew up THEMSELVES and if your lucky god will let you watch ! . ive gone on again , hope not to next time x:)
 
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qubecks

Registered User
Jun 28, 2012
38
nottinghamshire
x

Hi Qubecks,
I've only just found your thread and want to send you a great big HUG:) No wonder you're struggling, it makes me SO MAD that you're being left to cope on your own.

Kassy said: "My suggestion to you is that you contact the Nottingham Branch of the Alzheimers society. Their outreach workers are wonderful. I think it would be a good idea to tell them what you have told us and you might be surprised as what help you might receive and the support in which to help you get it. You should not be caring 24/7 with no information or support at all. You should be in the system somewhere"

Could you try that as your first step?

It's not fair that I get so much help with my MIL and you get absolutely nothing at all. Even with the help we get, I have bad days but at least I can get on here and have a moan.

Good luck
Peggy
x thank you peggy x i will take this on board , its a lot for me to take in , i mean all you fantastic people listening to me x when my own family couldnt care less , they must really not like me , to be acting this way , and god knows what they think about mum ? i think they should really GROW up , and put the past behind them ? take care peggy x
 

qubecks

Registered User
Jun 28, 2012
38
nottinghamshire
x

Hi qubecks.

Would like to say that I understand totally where you're coming from on the feeling alone front. My situation is very different from yours (which sounds horribly stressful, I must say) but I too am at the end of my tether, and don't feel as though I can go on any more.

The only thing I can say is that although I've only recently joined TP (you seem to be more of a veteran than me!) it's been very helpful so far. People have sent me messages of support, so I'd just like to add mine to you.

Very best x
hope i can be of support to you too x i think i would cope a lot better if i didnt have extra stress off my sisters ? i want to scream at them sometimes ? but i cant ? all i want is for them to spend some time with mum, not wash her hair , not give her a shower , not wash her clothes ect , just to spend some time with her x maybe im wishing for too much ? hope you are coping ? you might think your not ? but you are , i was told by a lovely person i know ( KEEP LAUGHING AND KEEP LIVING ) x i often think of those words when i feel low ? and dont forget , tommorrow is a new day ! xxx:)
 

PeggySmith

Registered User
Apr 16, 2012
1,683
BANES
Morning Qubecks,
How are you today? I hope you can find time to make the phone calls you need to get some help sorted for you and your mum. I know how just getting through the day can push everything else to one side.
Hugs:)
Peggy
 

qubecks

Registered User
Jun 28, 2012
38
nottinghamshire
hi peggy x

hi peggy x still didnt have time today to make phone calls ??? what a hectic day again ? trying to arrange a party for my daughter engagement ? not enough hrs in one day ? mum needed lots of attention to day , not a good day for her ? im trying to be everything to everybody ? i feel like a piece of elastic ? ha ha x hope you are ok x
 

PeggySmith

Registered User
Apr 16, 2012
1,683
BANES
Hi Qubecks,
I know how you feel! Just not quite as bad but I'm not a very organised person.

MIL had her first bath for 8 months today and I wanted to kiss the carer. Then the OT rang to see if they could come out and practice a car transfer. Hooray got me out of cleaning the car! MIL walked up the drive and back down again as well as hopping(ish) in and out of the car. Result!
Spent the evening getting ready for tomorrow's meeting. That includes the carer turning up 40 minutes early to put her ot bed = stopped that and got loads of information about the agency..
So, not in the same place as you but still quite hectic.
Top of your list for tomorrow? Get help.:):):)
Love Peggy
PS Seriously, you can't go on like this, you'll just end up getting ill and then who would care for your mam? Think about it and get angry. We have 4 carers a day and it's still a struggle so why don't you get any?
BIG HUG:):)
 

qubecks

Registered User
Jun 28, 2012
38
nottinghamshire
x

hi peggy x so pleased things are going well x i can take my mum out in the car , she likes it , i do have one private carer , who takes mum out twice a week , a hour and a half each time , i think i will get more help when mum has had her cat scan and seen the consultant ? i did have a social worker for my carers asesment, everything was fine when i had my asesment , so she closed the case ? i rang to tell her about mum , but no one has told me what to do next ? i think mum needs assesing ? my sw tried to get mum to go to day care , but my mum wont have any of it at the moment ? she just wants to be with me ? it would cause more ashel for me if i forced mum to go ? she can be quite stubbon , i try to tell mum im tried and need some help , but this only upsets her ? she cries and says i dont want her here ? she thinks im trying to get rid of her ? maybe one day she will go to day care , this illness is dreadfull , if i am not in the same room as mum she comes looking for me ? is it the illness ? for some reason mum thinks i am going to leave her ? is it the illness ? it took me ages to get mum to go out with the carer ? and when she comes back mum is anxious ?~ is it the illness ? i hope you have a good day and your mum too x taking mum out shopping to day for food for the party , oh heck , that should be fun ? take care qubecks x
 

ceris

Registered User
Jun 7, 2012
67
Bedfordshire
hi peggy x so pleased things are going well x i can take my mum out in the car , she likes it , i do have one private carer , who takes mum out twice a week , a hour and a half each time , i think i will get more help when mum has had her cat scan and seen the consultant ? i did have a social worker for my carers asesment, everything was fine when i had my asesment , so she closed the case ? i rang to tell her about mum , but no one has told me what to do next ? i think mum needs assesing ? my sw tried to get mum to go to day care , but my mum wont have any of it at the moment ? she just wants to be with me ? it would cause more ashel for me if i forced mum to go ? she can be quite stubbon , i try to tell mum im tried and need some help , but this only upsets her ? she cries and says i dont want her here ? she thinks im trying to get rid of her ? maybe one day she will go to day care , this illness is dreadfull , if i am not in the same room as mum she comes looking for me ? is it the illness ? for some reason mum thinks i am going to leave her ? is it the illness ? it took me ages to get mum to go out with the carer ? and when she comes back mum is anxious ?~ is it the illness ? i hope you have a good day and your mum too x taking mum out shopping to day for food for the party , oh heck , that should be fun ? take care qubecks x
I agree with other posters. You need more help. With the best will in the world, you are only one person, and you matter. It's not selfish to ask for help, and you might need to get angry if necessary in order to get it.

All that stuff your mum says - don't know what your relationship was like with her before, but yes, I'm pretty sure it's the illness talking. My dad, before this thing overtook him, was lovely. Now, he's anxious, clinging, sometimes aggressive, always depressed. This illness destroys lives - get help before it destroys yours.

All meant with care and concern, by the way :)
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,035
i did have a social worker for my carers asesment, everything was fine when i had my asesment , so she closed the case ? i rang to tell her about mum , but no one has told me what to do next ? i think mum needs assesing ? my sw tried to get mum to go to day care , but my mum wont have any of it at the moment ? she just wants to be with me ? it would cause more ashel for me if i forced mum to go ? she can be quite stubbon , i try to tell mum im tried and need some help , but this only upsets her ? she cries and says i dont want her here ? she thinks im trying to get rid of her ? maybe one day she will go to day care , this illness is dreadfull , if i am not in the same room as mum she comes looking for me ? is it the illness ? for some reason mum thinks i am going to leave her ? is it the illness ? it took me ages to get mum to go out with the carer ? and when she comes back mum is anxious ?~ is it the illness ? i hope you have a good day and your mum too x taking mum out shopping to day for food for the party , oh heck , that should be fun ? take care qubecks x
Hi qubecks

Hope you're Ok. It is the illness causing the insecurites in your Mum. I wish the authorities were more proactive, they should not be closing cases for people whose condition is more than likely to decline. They're making more work for themselves, people and their carers are suffering and they don't save any money by doing it.

You really need some input to help you manage - it sounds like you're doing and have done an amazing job though. I hope your shopping trip goes Ok, it will be good for your Mum to be involved with that even though I know you said she can't seem to understand what is happening.

Would it be possible to contact the day care, speak to them and see if someone could come out and meet her and reassure her, I know it's a huge task but imagine a small child saying they didn't want to go to school or somewhere, the Mum tries to reassure them it'll be Ok but it's not until they go and see someone they know and like that they're happy to go. I know she will probably forget in-between but the staff will get to know her which is what you need.

Sorry if doesn't sound appropriate just really feel for you
Best wishes
Sue
 

qubecks

Registered User
Jun 28, 2012
38
nottinghamshire
x

hi sue x and thanks for your reply x the shopping trip went well , even though it took 4 hrs ? which would only take me 2hrs on my own ? but we did have coffee and CAKE ! i had a two shot esspresso , the guy asked if i would like a glass of water with it ? my reply " lord no , i need the kick ? he must of thought i was mad or something , ha ha x went we got back mum slept for 3hrs ? x when we pulled up onto the drive , mum said " is this our car ? " yes mum it is x i think the trip was a little much for her ? x mum is still not calling me by my name ? always called me bonny , since the day i was born ! never used my christain name , even before this illness ? but hey what does it matter if mum know thinks i am called " bunny " close enough for me , ha ha x you take care sue and thanks again fo careing x
 

qubecks

Registered User
Jun 28, 2012
38
nottinghamshire
x

I agree with other posters. You need more help. With the best will in the world, you are only one person, and you matter. It's not selfish to ask for help, and you might need to get angry if necessary in order to get it.

All that stuff your mum says - don't know what your relationship was like with her before, but yes, I'm pretty sure it's the illness talking. My dad, before this thing overtook him, was lovely. Now, he's anxious, clinging, sometimes aggressive, always depressed. This illness destroys lives - get help before it destroys yours.

All meant with care and concern, by the way :)
hi ceris x thank you for replying x my relationship with my mum was always good x and then this happens ? i really think it was easier bring my children up than taking care of mum , if you know what i mean ? i cant put mum to bed when she missbehaves ? or put her on the naughty step ? mum is a adult and has choices ? so it is harder x my mum seems like someone else ? i will try my hardess to get the right help ? this thing , illness , i wouldnt wish it on my wost enemy ? if this was happening to my lovely dog Buster , he is 15 yrs old, my friend, part of the family , x i would do the right thing ! but sadly humans have to suffer ? x and watch them suffer x nothing we can do x hey ho , got a party to organzise x my daughter will be home tommorrow x and mum always looks forward to seeing her x so happy days x take care and thank you for your words xxx
 

ceris

Registered User
Jun 7, 2012
67
Bedfordshire
hi ceris x thank you for replying x my relationship with my mum was always good x and then this happens ? i really think it was easier bring my children up than taking care of mum , if you know what i mean ? i cant put mum to bed when she missbehaves ? or put her on the naughty step ? mum is a adult and has choices ? so it is harder x my mum seems like someone else ? i will try my hardess to get the right help ? this thing , illness , i wouldnt wish it on my wost enemy ? if this was happening to my lovely dog Buster , he is 15 yrs old, my friend, part of the family , x i would do the right thing ! but sadly humans have to suffer ? x and watch them suffer x nothing we can do x hey ho , got a party to organzise x my daughter will be home tommorrow x and mum always looks forward to seeing her x so happy days x take care and thank you for your words xxx
Hi. Hope you are okay today. I do know what you mean - it's much easier bringing up kids than dealing with this illness because kids remember and learn - this illness takes that away. I agree - it's so wrong that humans have to suffer, when the humane thing would be to allow that suffering to end.

Have a lovely time with your daughter and your mum together. xxx
 

PeggySmith

Registered User
Apr 16, 2012
1,683
BANES
Hi qubecks,
Hope you're feeling better and manage to have a good weekend with your daughter. Just wanted to tell you that we're off camping for a week so I won't be able to post on here.
When I get back I want to hear that you've got some help coming:):):):)