Quality vs Quantity?

[at wits end]

I havent had much to say online lately, Gran is as settled as she can be in her CH, her memory is very poor and her eyesight is deteriorating rapidly. But having read Miss Merlot's posts in recent days and some of the responses, they have really made me have a long think about 'caring'.

Do I care? or do I just go through the acts of caring? What do I want for gran and what would she want for herself?

Today I visited her, we had a cuppa and an apple slice I brought in, then we went for a walk. In hindsight the walk in this heat was too much for her and she was struggling by the time we got back, (only out about 15 minutes and never out of sight of the CH roof). She was exhausted yet had loved it! Another cuppa and a sit down and she was ready for a doze so I left.

So my thought is if she were to be taken ill later would I blame myself for taking her out? Do I put quantity or quality first in her life, she says she doesnt want to live like this so isnt it better if she goes out with a smile on her face? Happiness really is in the moment for her. She hates the day to day at the CH.

rambling now...so i'll go!

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Not rambling at all. Think about it this way, my dad is now unable to stand at all, sleeping all day, and today was the first time he had no idea I was his family, even when I hugged him and held his hand. He is no longer eating and may well stop drinking very soon. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or guilty because my dad is in such a poor state, I'm so happy for you, honestly. I know that the sweet moments you have shared with your gran, a simple cuppa, some cake, and a little walk that put some joy into her day, are the things that will stay with you. This is caring, it's seeing a smile on your gran's face that counts, and whatever follows will follow, and it will be out of your hands.

You love your gran in the ways that bring you both joy, that's probably exactly what she wants and needs. I expect she would be the first to say she would rather go out laughing than in misery, I think it's what I would want too.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[meme]

quality every time for me

 

[ellejay]

I'd say quality. Not much makes my mum happy, she doesn't like the CH or the life she has.
When we visit, we always take her out for tea & cake (usually a sticky iced bun with a cherry on top) & some shopping. Mum buys 3 bananas (as a nod to health ), biscuits & chocolate.
She shouldn't really have these, she's diabetic. She's also 91, living where she hates with few visitors (Me my OH & our grandson are the only regulars now)

Yep, quality IMO.

Lin x

 

[littlegem]

I have this discussion with all hubby's Doc's, nurses etc etc.
When he had the stroke we talked about quality v quantity in general terms.
Hubby said quality more important.
So 6 years down the line when we go for check-ups Doc's keep saying 'lose weight, cut out the cream cakes, eat sensibly'
The last time the diabetic nurse said all this to him he said 'might as well be dead if I can't have those things'
So we carry on doing what he wants, I monitor his diabetes, blood pressure etc and as long as they are not bad we will keep on doing what he wants.
Poor lad has nothing left really, lost most of his sight, poor mobility, cannot wash/dress himself, cannot feed himself due to hand shaking with the stroke.
If he wants a cream cake he gets one, same with ice cream.
I cannot make whatever time he has left miserable. He was given about 5 years after the stroke and it's 6 now so we're doing alright.

 

[garnuft]

Aw WE, your Gran would be lost without you.
Quality all the time. x

 

[at wits end]

Phew, glad we're all on the same wavelength!

Thank you for your thoughts.

Gran is so happy when I sit and listen to her talking, and she likes nothing more than asking what I'm having for dinner that night and then telling me how best to cook it!

I wish I could 'mend' her.

x

 

[Big Effort]

I suppose we think about these moral questions and as different things occur, we update or alter our stance.

It is too easy (just my view) to say Quality. I like that old adage "Do no harm" because it helps us to see the bigger and the smaller picture simultaneously.

If it is too hot, then it may do harm. We know elderly people are often not good in heat. We would not want to deprive them of fun either. But if it is a choice of having fun or avoiding us doing them harm (inadvertently, of course), well, do no harm would be my guide.

I suppose we have to be creative on hot days or freezing days and find things for them to do indoors. Here it is measuring 42 C in the shade. I have Mum indoors. But of course that choice is too easy, as I know it is too hot.

Just my thoughts for what they are worth. xx BE

 

[lin1]

Quality v quantity
Give me quality everytime

 

[ellejay]

Then again, I can make sure mum is not too hot or cold & so do no harm, but when I let her eat cake, I could be doing her harm. As cake is one of her few pleasures, to keep her safe is to deny her pleasure.

I still err on the side of cake.

Lin x

 

[Skye]

So my thought is if she were to be taken ill later would I blame myself for taking her out? Do I put quantity or quality first in her life, she says she doesnt want to live like this so isnt it better if she goes out with a smile on her face? Happiness really is in the moment for her. She hates the day to day at the CH.

No, you shouldn't blame yourself.

You gave your gran pleasure, and if she were to die tonight ( which I'm sure she won't), you would be proud that you gave her pleasure on her last day. I'm sure your gran loves your visits, you bring joy into her life.

Definitely quality every time.

 

[sarahp]

Hi all, I was having this debate with myself today. My mum has been struggling with very little sleep wandering in the night. The day after she is agitated and teary. but noticed when she had a glass of wine she slept like a log. so I've been offering her a glass of wine on a nightly basis this last few weeks.

I'm struggling with, is this ok? Last night she had 2 glasses and slept for 11 hours. She has had a happy day and been quite lucid. So surely, she is enjoying having a wine. She is happy after, has a right giggle, then crashes out on the sofa and sleeps. Next day she has a good day because of a rested night? So I think yes it's the right thing to do?

Sarah xx

 

[at wits end]

Well i have learnt from today and won't take her so far next time, maybe we will stay in the gardens.

But i still think quality over a long miserable time.



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[at wits end]

Sarah, i think if there are no negative effects then keep on with the wine. If it was good enough for monks..

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[Hair Twiddler]

Sarah,

It's a wibbly wobbly path - my mum drinks several units of alcohol a day.
Sometimes its hard for me to recognise where the personality ends and the alcohol begins.

 

[CeliaW]

Quality definitely. You are treating her as an ndividual person and giving her pleasure and that is what counts. When someone goes into care, the carer can then leave the physical bits to the CH staff (as anyone could do them in theory) and the carer caries on caring but in a more personal way - sharing the loving times, the memories, the activities and discussions that can only happen between the cared for person and loved ones or friends. THOSE are the the important things you can now do and I am sure they are valued as your comments show.

Speaking for myself I would rather drop down dead after having had a pleasurable time than sit doing nothing and not enjoying life because it was "safer"

Lucky Gran to have a loving, considerate granddaughter

xx

 

[sarahp]

Thanks at wits and hair twiddler. Yeah I think I will use it sparingly and when we are going through a bad patch of more than a few nights sleep and then bring out the happy stuff haha. Since she has moved here, she doesn't eat ten tons of cakes like when she lived alone although she has a bad ice cream addiction!! her diabetes is under good control so I guess a little of what you fancy does you good scenario comes into play and they say a glass of wine a night does you good. I mentioned it to her doctor and the memory clinic when I was trying to get sleeping tablets and they said its much better with less side affects than pills, I'm not saying they prescribed it tho lol but I got the nod.

I'm with you guys quality over quantity! For sure )

The dilemmas of the conscience. ) xxxxx

 

[Polly1945]

Hi Wits End

Firstly I would like to say how I admire you for the love and care you show towards your grandma. It's lovely.

I try to take my mum out when I visit her in the care home as she enjoys going out even if just for a car ride. I took her out on Weds and it was very hot, at first I though we could have a walk in the town and look in the shops but then decided it would be too hot so decided on an out of town large store, that is really suitable for wheelchairs, has a nice little cafe, so cold drink and a piece of cake was in order, and Mum loves looking around at the nice clothes and lovely shoes, usually the ones with very large high heels, not to buy though, just for her to think back about her youthful days when she would go dancing

She was very tired on the way back home but I know that she had enjoyed the afternoon out, so that was what mattered.

Love
Pauline
x

 

[Polly1945]

Hi SarahP

I like the idea of a glass of wine. It sounds like it does the trick and less severe than sleeping tablets.

Love
Pauline