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Putting dad into a home AGAIN

Sharonk43

Registered User
May 24, 2015
29
Thank you Beate you spoke very sensible words and yes you are right, I can hopefully find a good CH where he is safe but I might be able to make him happy, hopefully I will succeed in both. And yes atleast he can still communicate enough to make friends instead of sitting there like a vegetable. He isn't social anyway and will probably stay in his room even to eat but atkeast he has the freedom and option to socialize if he feels like it. It will still be stressful for me to go visit even if he comes to somewhere near me because I still have to say goodbye and watch my grown up dad sobbing like a child but that is something I have to do now when I leave him at home so that's something I will hopefully learn to deal with.
Thank you again
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
Well this is a dilemma for sure. On one hand there is the problems between you and your Brother and the need to find help for your Dad. So try to forget your Brother and his attitude and concentrate on your Dad. You say your Dad gets up, sits in his chair and watches TV with no idea what he is watching; that sounds a bit conflicting to your earlier statement that he is aware of what is going on around him and is very 'with it'. As you have doubts about your Dad's care start the ball rolling to at least have some respite; he may have forgotten what happened the last time he went to a CH. You could 'sell' the idea as the Doctor wanting him to get his legs working again. 'Love lies' are needed at times.

In a CH/NH your Dad could quite easily get more stimulation-and even settle in well.You won't know until you try. One more point; I firmly believe that Dementia sufferers are sensitive to atmosphere's-happy or tense. Your Dad may be picking up on the stress between you and your Brother-in a CH/NH he would avoid all that.

I feel sorry for you that you will probably have to be the one to make the decision with no input from your Brother, but have you considered that your Brother may be suffering from depression? I remember shouting at my Husband to 'get in the bleep, bleep bath' after I had cleaned the hall carpet for over 2 hours in the middle of the night only to turn round and see him messing himself and walking through it again. Then I found he had rubbed his own waste on the dogs ears! Was I unhappy with myself? Was I ashamed? Was I terribly, terribly depressed-yes to all of that. I didn't want to react but the tiredness that invaded my every being didn't stop me being hateful to my poor Husband. Caring 24/7 is absolutely bone shattering, all engulfing hell. Your Brother may just feel the same.

Lyn T
 

Sharonk43

Registered User
May 24, 2015
29
I agree that my brother probably is depressed but I have exhausted all possibilities and brought in army has care as possible but it wasn't all used as it could be as my brother didn't want to have to be in the home while carers were also there so as mentioned I have been hitting my head against a brick wall.
When I said about my dad and the TV I meant he looks at the tv but he doesn't have the motivation the become interested in what's in if that makes sense
My brother and I are always' civil' around my dad and we never argue in front of him. If anything dad picks up on my brothers resentfullness. Dad is so worried about speaking up about things and being badly treated because he doesn't want to get people into trouble and have to leave the home but his safety and dignity is important to me
 

Sharonk43

Registered User
May 24, 2015
29
I must add that i am also considering my mums health and quality of life too. She is 72yrs old and still working as a nurse 36hrs a week when not caring for my dad.
She has a heart conditions, has suffered from long term depression as have i and i just think she needs to enjoy what time she has left too.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
Just a thought. Some CH's have day care. Could you find a suitable CH that would accept your Dad as a 'day patient?' That way he could get used to the same faces and routine (meals etc) Eventually he could find the transition easier.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
I agree that my brother probably is depressed but I have exhausted all possibilities and brought in army has care as possible but it wasn't all used as it could be as my brother didn't want to have to be in the home while carers were also there so as mentioned I have been hitting my head against a brick wall.
When I said about my dad and the TV I meant he looks at the tv but he doesn't have the motivation the become interested in what's in if that makes sense
My brother and I are always' civil' around my dad and we never argue in front of him. If anything dad picks up on my brothers resentfullness. Dad is so worried about speaking up about things and being badly treated because he doesn't want to get people into trouble and have to leave the home but his safety and dignity is important to me
My mother was the same with the Tv for quite a while before she went into the CH. She wanted it on all the time, but couldn't follow anything*. She wasn't interested in doing anything else, though heaven knows I tried - it was always, 'I can't be bothered.' I just don't think she could cope with anything more demanding.
*Mind you one great success was some documentary series about colossally fat people in America. It was 'dear oh dear!' over and over - it was one thing that really held her attention. God knows why I never thought to record it - she'd have watched it again and again.
 

Sharonk43

Registered User
May 24, 2015
29
I would think about that but i am hoping to have him placed in a home near me so getting him to and from the day care would be a problem as he at the moment lives a 2hr round trip from me and i do not have the room to have him with me. I know it sounds funny as my dad is 82yrs old but he hates being around old people especially ones with more advanced dementia and i think that is something he will struggle to get used to. We tried day care before and we couldn't even get him out of the house, he just got so worked up about going that we cancelled it.
 

Sharonk43

Registered User
May 24, 2015
29
I totally get you, he will take interest occasionally in a western and he loves antique programs but doesn't really acknowledge whats going on in the moment





My mother was the same with the Tv for quite a while before she went into the CH. She wanted it on all the time, but couldn't follow anything*. She wasn't interested in doing anything else, though heaven knows I tried - it was always, 'I can't be bothered.' I just don't think she could cope with anything more demanding.
*Mind you one great success was some documentary series about colossally fat people in America. It was 'dear oh dear!' over and over - it was one thing that really held her attention. God knows why I never thought to record it - she'd have watched it again and again.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
I would think about that but i am hoping to have him placed in a home near me so getting him to and from the day care would be a problem as he at the moment lives a 2hr round trip from me and i do not have the room to have him with me. I know it sounds funny as my dad is 82yrs old but he hates being around old people especially ones with more advanced dementia and i think that is something he will struggle to get used to. We tried day care before and we couldn't even get him out of the house, he just got so worked up about going that we cancelled it.
I think a lot of dementia sufferers are like that re old people and others with dementia. They are often back somewhere in the past, maybe even many decades back, so of course they themselves are certainly not old like all these other poor decrepit old things, and because they so often have no insight into their condition they will often think they are the only one who is not 'barmy'.
My mother's care home has no mirrors, I think because it can shock people badly if they are back in the past, to see themselves as they are now. I know my poor mother at over 90 was once terribly shocked to see her reflection in the wing mirror of my car when I was taking her out. She could not believe it was her, but luckily she very soon forgot about it - that is the one blessing of dementia, IMO.