I made my choice, I didn't go into it lightly, but I didn't know what it really meant. If I'd read this forum first, I doubt I'd have made the same choice
Yes, a PWD may "need" someone, but that doesn't have to be at home killing the carer, the stats are pretty awful, 40% of Carers die before their caree (I read that a few months back, but didn't note the reference).
No time to look after our own health, disrupted sleep, stress, anxiety over getting it "right". Personally, shoulder surgery is being kept off the table because I have to care for mum
it took me 5 months to even register with a GP about my knee & it's been a further 6 months with no treatment as I don't have time to chase it up.
Surely, if the definition of love means putting that person above yourself, then expecting someone to put their life on hold, make themselves ill, or even die while trying to provide care, that's not love, that's control.
I know my mum, she would have withdrawn, not engaged & given up in a CH, I couldn't live with the guilt of not preventing that. Instead, I've sold my home, with no chance of buying another, so will be homeless. I've left a very competitive field of work, which I won't get back into at that level & friends don't understand that I can't meet up, so have fallen by the wayside.
We do this for our own reasons, when someone is honest enough to say, "don't do it", because they know the impact, surely we should support them, not make them feel even worse.
Personally, I'd like to thank you Lisa, for your honesty, I hope that over time you find a way to overcome the negative feelings. As AnneM said, try to get counselling to help you through the emotional aftermath, don't beat yourself up. We do the best we can at the time, with the info available to us at that time. You can't change the past, only the future.
My youngest is a kind soul, I know he wouldn't think twice, if I needed help, he'd just give it. Having spent this time with mum, I've told him, point blank, in plain English. Do not do it.
Yes, other cultures look after their elders. But, the elders look after their grandchildren. It's a cycle of generations. We do not have that culture. Grandparents "help out", but do not see it as their purpose. You can't pick out the bits you like & ignore the rest
I would say, read: Hard Feelings, Becoming my Mums Carer, How Bizarre, then make a choice, with your eyes wide shut.
It's not easy. It's a no win scenario, it's thankless & it's only going to get worse. Help is dangled like a carrot with vouchers you can't use, respite that you can't book & support that doesn't happen.
With hindsight ..... don't do it.
On a forum that's supposed to be a place where we can be honest, without being judged, I'd have hoped for more understanding.
Good luck Lisa & everyone else struggling with these thoughts. We need understanding. We don't need judgement