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Pushed out of mums care at home pls help


New member
Sep 15, 2020
Our older sister has pushed us out of mums care at home. Mum was placed in nursing home approximately five years ago behind our back by elder sister. When we discovered due to family conflict social services took over an mum remained in nursing home. Since lockdown mum ended up In hospital with chest infection but has recovered after having feeding tube put in place. My sister contacted me saying drs were going to remove tube an pretty much send mum to end of life palliative care. As no one has been able to visit I was not convinced she was at this stage as I had seen her 2weeks prior to her hospital admission. I informed elder sister that mum will not go to palliative care but come home to me to die with her family around. Anyway as I live 2nd floor flat it was not possible to facilitate this so after much difficulty we were convinced by elder sister and her daughters that mum will go to her even though initially she was happy for her to be sent back to care home. Since then I’ve saw mum twice the second time she was extremely dehydrated when I was giving her water with a syringe and because I asked too many questions they have caused real problems making it difficult even potentially dangerous for me to go an see mum. I believe they are not providing adequate care they are refusing to have domicillarys attend despite informing me mum is in pain when she is being washed. With the right loving care my mum could potentially get stronger and still live comfortably for some time but I don’t believe my sister wants this. I regret agreeing to let mum go there as we could have taken mum to our other sister who was pushed out even before me as I am much more resilient. They the ones claiming to be caring care only about mum’s finances and I’m at a loss and extremely distressed not knowing what to do. Can anyone please help. Mum has no new medical issues merely according to the hospital her dementia advanced


New member
Sep 15, 2020
Once the feeding tube was taken out mum began eating porridge and purée food however no dierty care plan has been put in place in fact there doesn’t appear to be any significant plan other than to let mum die by withholding food and water. her swallowing is okay and other than the fact you can see mum hasn’t had adequate care for some time and is now bed ridden I know with t the right plan in place and the patience love and support it is possible she could remain with us for some time.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello @Joanne.mum.

It is clear you are very distressed and I can see how difficult this is for you.

If you insist your mother is not getting the best care with your sister I understand how she may feel you are adding to her stress in providing primary care. This will not be helping anyone.

The only way I believe you can help yourself have access to your mum is to accept the care your sister is giving .

Once you have access to your mum you will know whether or not she is comfortable or distressed.

You say your mum is in pain when she is being washed. This happened with my husband when he was at the end of his life and needed palliative care. I`m really sorry to suggest this
Joanne.mum but is it possible you are finding it difficult to accept your mum is drawing near the end of her life.

If she is, surely it is far better for you to be able to see her if you can. Perhaps for the sake of all of you you can make peace with your sister and offer to help care for your mum in your sisters home.


Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
West Hertfordshire
Some of the claims you make are quite serious- how do you know things are not being done? If someone can only consume puree food ( and often only very little of it) they really don't need a dietry plan- what other plans do you want to see?

The very frail are often in pai when being washed- it would make little difference who was washing them to be honest. Can you clarify what you mean by ''no adequte care' and 'witholding food and water'

I agree with Granny G- try and make peace with your sister, rather than battle with her. Accept that your mother is coming to the end of her life, and there is little that will change that



Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
South coast
Hello @Joanne.mum and welcome to DTP.

It must be very hard when you come in at the end, not having seen them for a while.
Unfortunately, a serious infection like a urine infection, or chest infection, or a fall and broken bones can all advance dementia very quickly. My MIL was still living at home just before she caught a urine infection and my mum fell and broke her hip. In both cases their dementia progressed very quickly to End of Life. Before she fell my mum was chatty, eating and drinking normally and knew who I was although she had mobility problems, which caused her fall. When she fell she broke her hip and although the hospital did everything they could, three weeks later she was dead.

When someone with dementia dies it is not a quick thing. What happens is that their body closes down slowly over the days and weeks and as part of this process they stop eating and drinking as their body can no longer process it. My mum went 17 days with no food or fluid whatsoever. At this stage many relatives think that they are starving to death and that if only they could get them to eat and drink then they would recover, but it is not so. The reason they stop eating and drinking is because they are already dying and, in fact, forcing them to eat and drink at this stage causes pain, because the body cannot cope with it.

Now, you are probably thinking "thats not true with mum" and I dont know the true situation - I am not there, so I dont know whether you are right or it is just wishful thinking, but if they have tried a feeding tube, tried getting her to eat after it was removed and have used a syringe to get her to drink, then, quite honestly, I think they have tried everything.

Im sorry