1. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Sorry, just need to rant .......

    Monday - spent all day with her - fine
    Tuesday - spent most of morning with her - fine
    Wednesday - buddy and an old friend both visit, hubby takes tea - more than fine - very happy and animated
    Thursday - drop off tea, washing her hair in readiness for her daycare on Friday. (Wow!) Animated and excited about it.
    Friday - ring after day care: "Well, I've had a terrible week" ........ :confused:

    Decide she can't remember whether she has or hasn't ........ refuse to go on guilt trip because have witnessed for myself what would be generally regarded now as a very good week ......

    Saturday morning: Glorious sunny autumn morning ..... wonder if mum could manage to walk to corner shop to get her own paper so I can get sonny for new trainers he needs and back before the football .... or else can she wait til later this afternoon? "No, I'll wait. I'll just watch telly 'til you get here." Sounds like she has forgotten to moan about her 'terrible week' but the GM has kicked in and I decide to change plans and check in on her earlier rather than later. Drop off paper and goodies before trainer shopping ...... "I'm low on Bailey's" she declares as I produce the weekly 'dose' of advocaat ...... "But never mind, I'll be going to the shop in a bit anyway." :eek:

    At which point this puppet's strings well and truly snapped ..... :mad:

    Karen, x

    PS: Shame the food I take doesn't disappear at the same rate as the alcohol!
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Oh dear Karen, I'm not surprised the strings snapped. I'm afraid mine would have gone long before that!

    Do you think you could cope with lengthening those strings a bit? Or would you just sit and worry?

    Could your mum have another day's daycare?

    You really have got too much on your plate at the moment, though you're handling it brilliantly.

    Love,
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,560
    Kent
     
  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,107
    Toronto, Canada
    Karen,
    Reality is something we must kiss goodbye with AD. I used to go crazy with the same sort of issues as you. I've reached some sort of equilibrium in the last couple of months (only took about 6 years, yes, I'm a slow learner).

    When your mum says she's had a bad week, just respond "Oh really? That's a shame" and then change the subject, offer a cup of tea, suggest a walk, whatever. If she wants to discuss the "bad" week, she will & you can commiserate for a minute & then change again.

    The problem is, as I see it, that you are having the difficulties - mixed emotions, which brings on the GM. That's one dragon that needs to be slain. Try to detach yourself a bit if you can. Your mother is the way she is, she cannot change, you are the only one who can change. You've done so well in the last few months. I think this is just one of those momentary blips & I've blithered on and on for no apparent reason.

    Love
    Joanne
     
  5. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Thanks all - blithering helps!

    Yes Hazel - mum has been assesed and is on waiting list for extra day care having finally had a social services assessment, I am also on waiting list for Crossroads assessment, they having accepted my self-referral ... professionals are recognising I am in danger of 'losing it' (whatever 'it' was I might have ever had in the first place) ..... BUT mum is point blank refusing any help other than from me as per ..... all the professionals I am working with recognise this and I have to say are hugely supportive of me and working their hardest to 'cajole' mum into realising I cannot do it all even if I wanted to ......

    This self-centredness, obstinacy, arrogance, ungratefulness, lack of appreciation or consideration for anyone else but herself is driving me bonkers ... (and sadly this stems from pre-dementia days - just it's getting worse! For many years, I used to see my mother at most once a week and that was torturous at times!!!!!!)

    She will no doubt present tomorrow as the frail and vulnerable lady she is, she might even remember she has a grandson who needs my attention too ....... and the Guilt Monster will be after me again ..... and I will no doubt cry and realise I do love her ........

    But today? Today I am being selfish. Today I just want my life back!!!!! :mad:

    Sorry, Karen, x
     
  6. cariad

    cariad Registered User

    Sep 29, 2007
    89
    Hi Karen,

    'Today I am being selfish. Today I just want my life back!!!!! '

    You are not being selfish at all. It's totally normal to 'want your life back'. I too feel this way. God, whatever happened to normality? Will things ever be normal again!? But try to remember that this is only a phase in your life (that's what keeps me sane).

    You are doing a great job and you have managed to retain your sense of humour too! Crossroads should provide you with a little bit more free time too. Sounds like you are spending a lot of time caring and could do with more of a break. Take care Berni x :)
     
  7. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Karen,The tiltle of your post made me laugh,it was very apt.I am glad there has been a "good week" and hope next week gets even better.Your mum actually sounds like one of my residents so i know what you mean about their view of their day.Good luck tomorrow,keep smiling and posting ,your humour is worth a lot!love elainex:D
     
  8. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Karen,
    I think our Mums have much in common. Mine is living in a Care Home so I don't see her as often as you see your Mum, but I DO recognise the behaviour! ;) I must confess I have cut back my visiting to two days a week now because I just couldn't cope with any more. I think you are amazing, but I'm worried that you are doing too much. . . . ??

    As with your Mum, this behaviour predates Mum's dementia, so it isn't all about the disease. Also, she puts on a different "face" to my sisters and ESPECIALLY to my (hopeless!) brother - because she "does not want to worry them". Humph!! :mad: (I guess that means I can do the worrying for all four of us!)

    It is the anniversary of Dad's death this weekend so Mum is "wallowing" in her grief. I know this is a disgusting thing to say (sorry ) but, regrettably it is true.

    Due to the dementia she has forgotten the circumstances of his death and has now developed a truly heart rending version in which she was "kept from his bedside", "told she was a nuisance", "not allowed to be with him when he died", etc. etc. etc. It reminds me of the old rhyme we used to say as children:
    "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me,
    Think I'll go eat worms!"

    Needless to say none of her "story" is true, and I know you will understand when I say we turned ourselves inside out trying to take the best possible care of her. I know it does no good to try and correct her version (but I've still tried to do so!! - dumb, eh!!??). I've tried to help her see that the good part was that he died in his sleep and is free from pain, etc.

    I think the bit that really gets to me is that (as always with my Mum) this is all about HER!!!! It doesn't seem to have anything to do with Dad. It isn't about how much she misses him or wishes he was here. It is about how badly she has been treated and about making us all (but especially ME) feel guilty.

    So dear Karen, I have nothing useful to say! Just wanted to add my own rave about "difficult mothers"!! Hope you won't feel I'm thread gazumping!! My heart goes out to you. Take good care of YOURSELF.
     
  9. paris07

    paris07 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    74
    australia
    Dear Karen,
    Your post has brought to my mind something my psychologist said to me. Inside me there is a little girl just wanting to please her mum and wanting love and acceptance in return,but ,sometimes with dementia they cannot express or show what we want them to. I know how bad that hurts.
    I can understand your frustration, anger and all the other emotions that go with caring for your mum.
    I can only wish you better weeks ahead and send you my best wishes
    paris07.
     
  10. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Karen,
    Sorry that your having a bad time of it, I can relate to what your saying I experience plenty of those days, especially with dad. There is always tomorrow as I say; "Another day in paradise" (NOT!!!).
    I really don't know how people cope with caring working and looking after kids. I hope that you can get more support. Take Care Taffy.
     
  11. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Karen

    Such an awful disease..particularly when you are left having to balance it and look after kids.

    I had the same problems with my Mum in the early stages. She turned on me..I think becuase I was the one closest to her and she was sure that I would be there for her and felt safe with me. Back handed compliment indeed.

    (((((((hugs))))))))) Hope you get the extra respite soon.

    Love

    Mameeskye
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,560
    Kent
    Thank you Nell. Your post hepled me as well as [I`m sure] Karen.

    How did these difficult mothers manage to bring up such devoted daughters ? [and sons].

    Love xx
     
  13. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Karen

    Reality is something we must kiss goodbye with AD. I used to go crazy with the same sort of issues as you. I've reached some sort of equilibrium in the last couple of months (only took about 6 years, yes, I'm a slow learner).

    Joanne I can ditto this, its takes practice and determination to get to this point, but Karen I am soooooo very lucky that mum is in the NH, well looked after, and has become a happy bunny, but you know I have walked a few miles in your shoes, and its relentless.

    I know I can tell you to step back a bit, but you wont will you, because we dont, so dear friend, take a deep breath, count to 100 (10 is no use at all), today is another day, and just dont forget the Baileys.:D

    Keep strong.

    Love
    Cate xxxx
     
  14. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Bless all of you for sharing what you have .....

    I rang ahead this morning pre-visit .... hubby aready telling me 'just leave her alone until her mood has changed' ...... phone rang for an age ..... for several heart stopping moments I thought this was it - 'That's Jimmy God' (one of her favourite phrases to me in childhood) ... he knows I should 'wash my mouth out with soap and water' (another favourite) ... I've said horrid things about her and now I am going to pay my penance and feel guilty forever and ever and ever, amen ...... I'm going to find her collapsed .... and it will all be my fault ....... :(

    As my mind is whizzing with 'Should I ring an ambulance ahead of visit or just fly down there?' she picks up the phone and before I can say anything I get the 'No, no, I don't need anything. I'm fine' and she put the phone put down on me! :eek: Hubby mutters along the lines of, "If she says she's fine, just leave her!"

    Not one to take no as an answer I tootled round on errands (sorry, God, but some of us have to do grocery shopping on a Sunday sometimes!) and dropped in anyway despite her protests. Found her pottering about watering plants ...... perfectly well ( well as perfect as it gets these days) .... evidence that she had eaten the 'goodies' taken yesterday ........ and then the waterworks (hers) started ...... coward that I am had taken hubby along ....... and he dragged me away before she dish out any more emotional blackmail (coz sorry, that is exactly what it is).

    I find it just impossible to walk away whatever she has and continues to throw at me .........................

    I am grieving for my mother ...... and still grieving for the mother I wish she had been ...... I wonder if the bond was stronger does that make it harder or not?

    Oh dear - I had a sense of humour once - I know I put it somewhere safe - but can't bl**dy remember where just now!:rolleyes:

    Soz, Karen, x
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,560
    Kent
    So sorry Karen.

    I think you`ll continue to grieve for the mother you wish you`d had for the rest of your life.
    And I think you`re trying to be, what you would have liked your mother to have been, but she is unable to appreciate it.

    I hope tomorrow`s a better day.

    Love xx
     
  16. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Karen, don't apologise. That one sentence is so poignant -- it deserves a poem all on its own!

    You know you're doing too much, you know you're the victim of emotional blackmail, but deep inside you're still that little girl wanting Mummy to love her.

    But you also know it's too late. That dreaded AD kills all emotion, makes it impossible for the sufferer to love anyone but themself. (Sorry, I know I'm generalising here, and there are exceptions. But so many of us keep hoping for that elusive sign of love and affection.)

    I can't help, I wish I could. I know you'll carry on doing everything you can for your mum. All I can offer is admiration and love and hugs.
     
  17. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Karen, so sorry for how you are feeling and coping with your mum.

    It is seldom that I envy anyone, but I envy your mum having you.
    That goes for the rest of you wonderful sons and daughters out there.

    I realise how hard it must be, but at least you care

    When I think of my Lionel's two children. One son who walked out of his life some 4 years ago.
    A daughter who last visited him, or even contacted him, 10 months ago.

    Well done Karen. Now go and pour yourself a drink. You deserve it.
     
  18. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    I think that there comes a time when we simply have to accept that our parents are who they are; that they did what they could, in the circumstances that they were in; that no parent is perfect. I am sure that my children will look back and think "why did she do that? Why wasnt she there when....?" - but hopefully they will be able to accept and forgive my failings.

    Love Helen
     
  19. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #19 Margarita, Oct 7, 2007
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2007
    that did make me laugh , same hear it was torturous for me also :D

    My mother was like that also , just warning you now that you have to convince your mother that you can't do it all . start slowly telling now , if like my mother she also get angry, because she just won't see the logic in it , but it can be done in convincing her if you don't feel guilty please , because that stop you from doing it .

    you got to put your foot down stand back . this may sound horrible , but I had to tell my mother that I have a life , and if she does not lets people help her she end up in a care home , because I can't cope with it all , had to keep telling her that till it sunk in and it did .

    she hated it excepting help from anyone else then me .

    I know its harder for you because you so want your mother to stay independent at home.

    my mother use cling to me for dear life , which now I understand is because she see me as her security blanket , like what is happening to your mother when you say that she won't let anyone look after her but you , she seeing you as her security blanket and it get worse in her clinging to you if you give in , when she says she does not want any help but from you .

    so hope you don't mind me telling you the worse , so you can be prepared for the worse for the next stage in your mother expecting help and hoping for the best xx
     
  20. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    Yesterday morning I was thinking a lot about my Mum, and what I would have wanted to tell her about my new job, when I suddenly realised that I'd just made two cups of tea for myself!
    It seems that Mum has always been such a large part of my life, that even now, I can't just put her to the back of my mind.
    Sometimes, I even look back on the Nursing Home visits, as a special time when I could just sit with Mum.
    As time goes by, the difficult situations seem to fade in my memory and I remember all the good things that happened.
    Kayla
     

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