Oh my dear, yes and thank you. No one will look the dementia epidemic in the face except us carers who have no choice. I know it sounds strange, but being with beloved Keith most days is essential to my well being, at the moment anyway!
Good to hear from you too and if being with Keith is essential then of course that is what you should be doing but I also hope that your personal well being is not neglected. I am now with my dear husband most of the time but I do value a break. I think I would feel much the same as you if he was in a CH so know what you mean. His ex-student who takes him out to lunch from time to time, took him again today and reported that his memory loss is now much worse than the last time he took him. It is so good for him to be with someone else whom he trusts and I can relax my vigilance for a short time. I feel very fortunate with those around me.
Oh thank you and that sounds good. It is all about being vigilant all the time, isn't it? I think I lived on adrehaline (can't spell it). that is so lovely about his ex student. Oh my dear, I'm going to melt with this heat. So good to hear from you!
You both put this so well! I am full to the brim with both sets of feelings at the moment and your words have touched me deeply. I too feel lonely, despite not being alone, like @Grahamstown, and I too keep reminding myself that real physical as well as emotional loneliness lies ahead. Like @Mudgee Joy, I am telling myself I must enjoy this companionable stage with my OH for what it is, never mind how much it’s based on pretence and compromise, lest I look back with yearning later, and wish I’d enjoyed it more.That is a good quote @Grahamstown !
And I remind myself often that this period of my life is likely to be the best of the rest of my life because of the potential loneliness in the future!
I often forget the limitations of dementia and tell my husband this or that in some detail / then his response might bring me right back to ground. But I am sometimes pleased when he doesn’t answer because his imagined answer allows my conversation to flow
Yes this happens to me too, more often than I would like.That is a good quote @Grahamstown !
And I remind myself often that this period of my life is likely to be the best of the rest of my life because of the potential loneliness in the future!
I often forget the limitations of dementia and tell my husband this or that in some detail / then his response might bring me right back to ground. But I am sometimes pleased when he doesn’t answer because his imagined answer allows my conversation to flow
I am so sorry dear friend and you are in my thoughts. The other thought that occurred to me is that nobody can replace the person with whom we used to share so much. I have read on TP before that it is a bit like a bereavement, and I definitely feel that I have been through the stages and now have landed in acceptance.
Yes Dear One I was saying this to my friend of 45 years the other day. She lives in London but we speak two or three times a week. I know I need intellectual companionship, and I think about ways to achieve this - but it’s my OHs mind I want to engage with, as in the past - I don’t really want a reading group or seminar, even though I could set this up or seek it out without too much trouble. I just know it would feel like the shadow of what I’m yearning for, not the substance. And anyway I’m so tired looking after OH! It’s funny actually because now if he’s quiet, I have to go and check what he’s up to, exactly the way one does with young children!
@carolyn, your comments about "the shadow...not the substance" is kin to what my OH says. He wants to play golf. Not going to happen. A counselor suggested he put a putting strip in our hallway and try putting. Oh no, he exclaimed, if he couldn't play real golf, he wasn't going to just putt. Another example, now that he's in a home, is he wants to go to a Parkinson's kick-boxing class at a work out club. Yet, he won't go to exercise class at 9:30 every morning at his home. He says they just exercise their fingers. He wants to hit a boxing bag. Not going to happen. Even the doctor demonstrated to him how those finger exercising would be beneficial to him. So I told him this story. Say you want a Mercedes Benz for a car but you can only afford a Toyota (don't know how this translates. Mercedes are expensive, Toyota not so much.). You don't want a Toyota, only the Mercedes. So, do you do without a car!!!??? I lost my best friend and evening conversationalist in OH. It hurts. I now go to a book club once a month with strangers. I've been twice and a new friend emerged this week. It does help. And if you can escape OH for few hours, it really helps. I went to the first meeting because he was home. The second one I forced myself to go to.
Hello imsoblue and many, many thanks for all you say. I shall bear in mind the car analogy and not let myself get too choosy. In fact it looks as though a group of honorary research fellows like me will start occasional meetings together to counteract the isolation and discuss our work. When the offer came I knew I had to make myself express interest, and I’ve done so.
And you have landed feet first! It may not feel like it but I think you are coping incredibly well. Plus the cruise and all!
Gosh Foyles War is a good idea, pace is about right. I’ll put it on my list. I’d love him to watch The Wire but I think it will be too complicated, plus the accents and argot. We need to keep sharing ideas here!
Thanks for the laugh! I wish we had cameras around to record all of this~
Death in Paradise also a possible, little plot, happy endings and beautiful scenery.
Yes that’s one of ours too. We can watch them over and over with suitable gaps in between mainly for my benefit! It can get tedious otherwise, but as it’s mainly character driven like Foyle’s War, it’s watchable.
