Pulled the trigger on respite care

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
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Nottinghamshire
I'd certainly think long and hard before returning him home to the annexe. It does sound as though he maybe needs more care than you could provide at home, even with carers coming in. Do you think if he does return home, he'll recognise it as where he lives?
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
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High Peak
I'm sorry that the carer said that - I think they are wrong. It sounds as though your father is deteriorating generally. Where he is will make little difference to that.

In the later stages of dementia there definitely seems to be a 'giving up' factor. I think many of us have seen it in our loved ones but I really feel it's part of the dementia and not something that can be rectified. (Though some people do benefit from anti-depressants.) As the brain gradually shuts down the person is just no longer able to function as they once did. How could they? There comes a point where the person does seem to give up and goes silent, effectively turning their life over to their carers. Awareness is greatly diminished if not gone altogether.

I've just re-read what I've written and realise it sounds very negative, depressing and hopeless. I'm really sorry about that. But I honestly think you should leave him where he is. I just can't see that the new annexe/bringing him home will change anything. Sorry.
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
348
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I'd certainly think long and hard before returning him home to the annexe. It does sound as though he maybe needs more care than you could provide at home, even with carers coming in. Do you think if he does return home, he'll recognise it as where he lives?
Yes, I think he will, he's been talking about how progress is coming on. His dementia isn't that pronounced compared to his physical disability. Several of his carers have been in since we have and are saying he's been quite chatty and in good spirits. In some ways if he's bedbound it makes things easier as he won't be trying to move around and fall over.

It's not decided either way yet but the current plan is for him to come home
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
348
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I'm sorry that the carer said that - I think they are wrong. It sounds as though your father is deteriorating generally. Where he is will make little difference to that.
He is deteriorating but I think he'd rather die at home than in care. My late mother made that choice. It all depends on whether we can get the necessary equipment here and work out a care routine. Having a UTI really doesn't help but I don't know if his kidney disease is getting worse, which is why he's getting them, or some other reason.
 

garfield3

Registered User
Jun 30, 2018
417
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I understand your desire to get him home. Mum died in a care home and it was the best place for her. She was there 4 yrs.
My MIL had cancer and from diagnosis it took 4 weeks. She had nurses coming in and her daughter and granddaughters looked after her. It was only a month but the toll was great.
I'm heading dow this route at the moment. Dad's in hospital being assessed. Want him home, might not the best idea, especially since he's on his own.
Try and stay strong through these difficult times.
 

quickstepqueen

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
17
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I just wanted to reach out and send virtual hugs. I'm carer for my Great Aunt who had started to have falls. It's all very tiring. We decided she ought to have some more respite (in a home she'd have respite in before) but we then extended it with the view to it being permanent. I feel guilty as hell. I wonder if she'd thrive better at home. But I know that it's the night time more than anything that we struggled with. Social Services don't help with that (unless it's end-of-life) and I can't stay awake all night for her and then go to work, look after my own home/dogs etc. Then that makes me feel guilty for having to balance my responsibilities against her desperate needs. You did what was best for him - and that was to ensure he was safe. I know my Aunt will fall in the home but at least she won't be left on the floor for hours, help will be there a lot sooner. I understand the turmoil you must be going through. But everything you have done/are doing is with love and with the best of intentions. That is what you have to hold onto. x